'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 8

THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY

Synopsis: A gang of ragamuffin working class New Yorkers band together and decide to, what else, rob Mick Jagger.

What Worked: Of all the canceled sitcoms from the 2006-2007 season, this one stings the most. From David Letterman's Worldwide Pants production company, this was a truly off-the-wall, completely insane non-laugh track comedy (man, there are a lot of those in this series) that was so sure of itself it was intimidating to aspiring comedy writers (yo). No show this year made me laugh like an idiot more, while concurrently having me stare at it in utter disbelief, that the producers/writers thought that the HBO level of wit this show possessed was ever going to catch on at ABC. Pop culture references, Jew jokes, and a hot illegal immigrant Latina (the lovely Sofia Vergara) who mispronounced English words in ways that didn't even make sense all added up into this weird comic clusterfuck.

With the most various ensemble on a network sitcom, it included VH1 mainstay Donal Logue, comedian Maz Jobrani and the extremely talented and very ubiquitous (second time I've used that word this week!) Kevin Michael Richardson. Richardson specifically created Rockefeller Butts, probably the funniest character on television after Neil Patrick Harris' Barney on "How I Met Your Mother," by relying on very subtle and sardonic timing, along with the deepest voice this side of Barry White. He made the show his bitch. Seriously, all the episodes are on ABC.com. There's only a dozen, so it's worth your time.

The show garnered most of its laughs from the incredibly ill-advised ways they planned to invade said Rolling Stones lead singer's fortress of a New York apartment, which at one point involved Richardson taking on the persona of Reginald Van Hoogstraten to get a job as Jagger's bodyguard. If that name doesn't make you laugh, this might not have been the show for you.

"The Knights of Prosperity" also had the best theme song of the year. Seriously, go to ABC.com. The flash player for their episodes is the best of the Big Four. You owe it to yourself to at least check it out.

What Didn't Work: After about eight episodes, the writers seemed to run out of steam, and the Mick Jagger theft idea kind of fell apart. After a combination of a botched robbery, being stuck in Jagger's panic room and the presence of South American mob lord Bobby Cannavale, they decided to no longer rob him. They instead set their sights on Kelly Ripa, at least until Logue's character fell in love with her, and they decided instead to rob Ray Romano. And then the show ended. Huh?

Why Not Enough People Watched: Again, a bizarre premise, witty jokes and no laugh track equals no interest. I don't like to say that the American public is stupid when it comes to watching television, but for every great show that succeeds ("The Office," "Heroes"), dozens of original programs just don't get the attention they deserve.

Seriously, though, Worldwide Pants only had one hit on their hands. It just happened to last nine years, and involved some guy called Raymond. Their other major show, "Ed," was never a runaway success, and lasted four years more for its loyal but small audience instead of real network wish fulfillment.

Overall Series: 9 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #117 (5 million viewers)

Fun Fact: It's no secret, but the original title of the show was "Let's Rob Mick Jagger," which was shortened to "Let's Rob...," until the suits decided that both titles wasn't to their liking, and chose the interesting but forgettable current title.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 7

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Synopsis: Four depressed thirtysomethings who were all classmates in high school find their lives entwined and realize they fucked up somewhere along the way toward general happiness.

What Worked: Good Lord was this a bizarre show. I wasn't entirely sure I was going to be tuning in, despite the presence of likable actors such as Jonathan Silverman ("The Single Guy") and Greg Germann ("Ally McBeal"), until I saw that the pilot was directed by John Favreau ("Swingers"). Now, I know that this show would be a far cry from his recent Hollywood outings such as "Elf," "Zathura" (great movie if you have a chance) and the upcoming "Iron Man." Instead, it would harken closer to his disaster of a film "Very Bad Things." Now, that film is kind of terrible, but it's also completely haphazard and unforgettable, so it seemed he could have an eye for the small screen. (Yes, I know that Peter Berg directed "VBT" and Favreau only acted, but I'd like to think Favreau is involved by proxy.)

That's basically what it turned out to be, very haphazard, not at all likable, but still kind of hard to ignore. Only in this show would they have Kelly Hu play a former valedictorian who now jacks men off at Asian massage parlors to get ahead, and have it seem funny that self-help guru Germann tries to binge-eat himself to death after his wife makes off with all of his money.

I don't think the show was very funny, more amusingly depressing, but I tuned in week after week, fascinated by a sort of new direction for ABC sitcom--the pity comedy. By the time David Carradine made an appearance as a cult leader who brainwashes women, I knew I was in for something quite interesting.

I did, however, enjoy Silverman's constant need to burgle from his ex-wife whenever he visited. It didn't make a whole lot of sense, and the character himself was baffled at his own neurosis, but it had this kind of rhythm and nonchalance that really cracked me up.

What Didn't Work: It's all kind of been spelled out already. The show was very very very weird and very very very pathetic. They ran out of steam very quickly, and the subplot regarding the suicidal David Arquette ("Scream") and his crush on a soon-to-be-married doctor never worked, but it was still better than critics said.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Bad placement by a network that never gave it proper promotion, combined with, well, everything I've already said sent it to the sitcom graveyard very quickly.

Overall Series: 5.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #119 (4.8 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Uh...I just got a job for July.

Adventures in Pop Culture Vocabulary: Mike Figgis Edition

Here is my favorite story of the week. If anything, he should have been arrested for his terrible interpretation of "Miss Julie."

From Cinematical:

I'm not exactly sure how the word "pilot" came to mean "initial episode of a TV show," but it's definitely a part of the general lexicon by now. "Did you watch that new series called People on an Island?" is what I might ask you, and your response very well could be "Yeah, I watched the pilot but I couldn't get into it." So you understand the word "pilot" in this context, right? Good. Maybe you should get a job at Los Angeles International Airport.

It's funny because I'm kind of surprised it hasn't happened before: Director Mike Figgis was going through security at LAX when he was asked the reason for his visit. "I'm here to shoot a pilot," was his response. Obviously he meant "I'm here to shoot the first episode of a TV series that may or may not be picked up for broadcast distribution," but what the immigration official thought he meant was "I'm here to shoot an airplane pilot with a gun." Yikes! The director of Leaving Las Vegas, Timecode and Internal Affairs was then detained for about five hours until immigration officials could get online and figure out that, yep, "pilot" has more than one meaning.

Good thing the immigration officers didn't ask him about his body of work. Figgis' answer might have been "I recently made a huge bomb."

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 6

SIX DEGREES

Synopsis: The lives of six strangers in New York City come together through coincidences and interlocking story fragments.

What Worked: Yeah, sounds like a boring show, huh? Not necessarily. While this particular J.J. Abrams concoction didn't have superspies or nanobot black clouds, it had a few very good things going for it. Firstly, I have to commend Abrams for once again finding a perfect laid-back tone that was warm and inviting, an attitude he also brought to personal favorites "Felicity" and "What About Brian?" (more on the latter in a few days). He never shows all his cards and allows these shows to evolve naturally, changing direction at a moment's notice. This may sound like a haphazard way to guide a show, and in a way it is, but to me it keeps everything fresh and involved.

Second on that list is the A-level ensemble, which included Hope Davis ("American Splendor") as a grieving widow of a war correspondent, Campbell Scott ("Singles") as a divorced alcoholic photographer, and the likes of Jay Hernandez ("Hostel"), Erika Christensen ("Traffic"), Bridget Moynahan ("The Recruit") and Dorian Missick ("Lucky Number Slevin"). While the intersecting stories sometimes tried to hard to mimick "Crash" (not the awesome Cronenberg movie, but that lame Haggis one that just happened to win an Oscar for best picture), it never steered into melodrama, and credit has to be given to the cast for trusting in their instincts and playing it as true as possible.

This was a show about second chances, about having faith in those around you, about never saying "die." Unfortunately, ABC didn't follow any of the themes and dropped it after only showing six of the 14 episodes.

What Didn't Work: Well, not much really happened on the show. Everything was set up in the pilot, and the six characters quickly connecting in a fun little "Magnolia" way very quickly, but after that where is there to go? The show found more and more ways to create new combinations of these characters, but sometimes forgot to get into the souls of the people. It was mildly frustrating, but not even remotely bad.

Why Not Enough People Watched: It's all laid out pretty well above. Not enough happened quickly enough, and after about two episodes the audience just went away. Unable to capitalize on the post-"Grey's Anatomy" spot, it withered away into nothingness, based on its quality that some would consider lackadaisical.

In a lot of ways, ABC was smart in canceling this. Save for HBO shows, one of the "CSI" craptaculars, "Rescue Me" and the one "Law & Order" version that's not struggling for ratings (that would be the one about pedophiles and rapists going head-to-head with that scary fucker from "Oz" and the daughter of Jayne Mansfield), it is a very bad idea to film in New York. It is always too expensive, it always yields shows Middle America doesn't care about, and it always gets canceled. First chance they got, the suits let this go.

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #68 (8.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: This was San Francisco Chronicle TV writer Tim Goodman's favorite pilot of the season. Also, it was designed originally for WB, where I think it may have lasted a full season, but nothing more.

The Lamented Death of Reilly

As you can see from the above picture, no, I'm not talking about the recent death of TV personality Charles Nelson Reilly, although I hold a very small place in my heart for the reruns of "Match Game" I happen to catch every now and then after midnight on GSN.

No, I'm talking about the recent ousting of Kevin Reilly as president of NBC entertainment. While I am not prone to discussing the revolving door that is network television chief status as much as I am about the shows and ratings themselves, I felt that upon reading this news today from zap2it.com that I had to address the situation. See, I really liked Reilly. I liked what he stood for and how he handled some truly dire matters about the network. When he came on board to the network, they were already in fourth place among the Big Four, and it was his job to solve this calamity. Unlike what you'd expect anyone in his position to do (more low-end reality shows and cop dramas) he took a different route.

One of the great quotes from him came from the beginning of the 2006-2007 season upon choosing some very high-risk, expensive and esoteric shows to fill out the new schedule. He proclaimed that NBC's new policy was to create great shows first, as opposed to predestined hits. He was, in a great deal of ways, about bringing quality television to the masses, having come from helping greatly in establishing FX as a network that took chances with complex and controversial shows, and seemed a good fit with the new network. Did it succeed? Not exactly. NBC is still fourth place, and some of his shows bit the dust real hard, but he has a wonderful quality about him: tenacity.

Sure, Steve MacPherson over at ABC has also championed some truly wonderful and underrated shows, but he never had the guts to stick with them, allowing such gems as "Sons & Daughters," "Invasion" and "What About Brian?" to go the way of the dinosaurs instead of allowing them to find their audience. Reilly was different. He brought us "My Name Is Earl" and "The Office," and lauded them through some so-so ratings which still hold up to this day. He treats them like comedy royalty, and the people are slowly starting to catch on. These aren't dumb comedies, and in a lot of ways they are truly special. Same goes for "30 Rock" and the continuing support for "Scrubs," which will now enter its seventh year of very low ratings.

I appreciate him most for the "30 Rock" save, allowing it to blossom into a great and uproarious show, and believing in its potential early on. Same goes for the renewal of "Friday Night Lights," the best new show of the season and perhaps one of the greatest TV shows I've ever seen that just happened to hemmhorage ratings each week. Great shows first, ratings later.

I will always rue the day that he decided to not renew "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," but I'm slowly understanding why it just couldn't exist in this modern television climate.

The world of television grew a little bit darker today. Quality will always peek through every once in a while at the Big Four, but it's going to be a hell of a lot harder.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 5

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Synopsis: The ubiquitous William Shatner hosted this trivia game show, in which people would gain or lose money based on both the correctness of their answer (duh), and what money amount is inside these futuristic-looking scrolls held by who was obviously Shatner's harem.

What Worked: Quite a bit. As far as modern game shows go ("1 vs. 100," "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire," "Deal or No Deal") this was above and beyond my favorite one. My idea of a great game show is "Win Ben Stein's Money," one that really relied on your knowledge and common sense, and not this bullshit picking random cases which takes no thought at all. (Not that I don't catch "DOND" every once in a while and enjoy it, but it's not my cup of tea.) While the game could be considered a little complicated, it boiled down to knowing your trivia and moving along naturally in the game. There was none of this new-TV bullshit where if you get one question wrong, you're out. I honestly can't stand that. Like "Jeopardy," but without those pesky other contestants, you lost money with incorrect answers but still had a chance to bounce back.

The questions on this show, also, spread themselves out into all fields, going from pop culture to politics very easily, as opposed to completely random and unimportant facts that nobody has a right to know ("Millionaire" was the worst at this). This is finally a show I felt like I could be on and not suck out loud.

Shatner himself made the show as enjoyable as it was. Here was this absolutely insane man having the time of his life, randomly dancing for no reason and sometimes all-out mocking the contestant without seeming like a total jackass. His energy wasn't smarmy (Howie Mandel) or seemingly bored (Bob Saget), but more someone who (and this is Shatner to a T) seemed to be struggling onto their last bout at pop culture legend status. It was fascinating.

Also, the women who held the scrolls containing the amount of money you were to win/lose upon the answering of the question were of special importance. Now, in such shows as "DOND," the "ladies" of the show seem to be struggling actresses/models who are using this opportunity to eke by along the prime-time television casting pool one step at a time. On "Show Me the Money," however, the women were clearly strippers to whom Shatner owed a lot of money. How else to explain the poledances that preceded every single commercial break?

What Didn't Work: The "Killer Card" was the only thing I truly hated about this show. After answering a question and picking one of the scroll-wielding strippers, there was a 1-in-20 chance (or however many strippers were out there) that they held the "Killer Card," which would automatically end your game unless you answered the next question correctly. This was just a way for the show to seem more like their cruel brethren, and it didn't fit the optimistic nature of the show.

Why Not Enough People Watched: The show's rules couldn't be explained in one easy sentence, which is always a struggle for any new game show. Try the Wikipedia article for a better explanation than I could muster up. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show_Me_the_Money_(US_game_show)).

Ironically, though, it was the show's simplicity that did it in. There was no goofy new idea, like the statistics of "DOND" or that sweet wall of 100 in "1 vs. 100," or the fun little celebrities on "Identity." It was just a good old fashioned trivia show with some bells and whistles.

It had no chance.

Overall Series: 8 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #79 (7.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Reruns and the few unaired episodes will air on the Game Show Network (GSN) very very soon. Catch them if you can.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 4

THE NINE

Synopsis: A bank robbery goes haywire over two terrifying days, affecting the lives of nine of those involved.

What Worked: Very, very little. This is the first show on this list to get the Media Whore Stamp of Astronomical Disapproval (the SAD to you), and one of the few shows from the 2006-2007 I outright despised. It had a good premise, I'll give you that. Looking back on a botched robbery to see what went wrong, who double-crossed whom and the buried secrets exposed sounded like a sweet idea. There was quite a cast involved, including Chi McBride ("Boston Public"), Tim Daly ("Wings") and Kim Raver (Audrey Raines on "24"). Serialized dramas were making a comeback, at least in the pilot stage, and this went along with the networks' bold new strategy that treated the audience with some respect.

What Didn't Work: Oh man. The show decided to go a different route than the natural idea (at least, naturally to me. Instead of pulling a "24" and dealing with the crime in a near-real time basis (22 episodes, each representing about two hours, would have made for a nail-biting show), the program decided to focus on what happened AFTER the robbery, and how people were coping with the shock, the publicity and the already-mentioned revelations. Boo-fucking-hoo. We were treated each episode to victims asking what it all meant, why they had to be there, and what they learned from being held at gunpoint. It's TV. Show it, don't say it.

As far as the well-chosen ensemble went, the only character I had any sympathy for was the schlubby office clerk Egan (character actor John Billingsley) who took the hero status from the robbery and decided to change his life for the better. Instead of wining, he tried to take the show in a new direction, one where nobody else seemed interested in venturing.

I did appreciate doctor Scott Wolf's ("Everwood") final decision to kill off one of the criminals in his own hospital by poisoning him, but it was too little, too late.

Why Not Enough People Watched: People give shows like "Lost" and "Jericho" shit for not giving us enough answers in each episode, but "The Nine" was one that had no answers for us. Absolutely zero. If I get bored with a TV show, and I mean truly struggle hitting the Play button on my TiVo remote, you KNOW America has already done the same. It didn't even last 10 episodes.

Overall Series: 2 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #72 (8.1 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Camille Guaty, who played Franny Rios on the show, joined so after quitting her supporting character on "Prison Break" as Maricruz, Sucre's beloved finacee, being the second person to leave said "PB" character behind. They were to replace her with a third actress, but the cancellation of "The Nine" allowed her to return in 2007.

He's My Friend, and a Whole Lot More...

Some time near the end of my six weeks in Boston, I was in the Campus MovieFest van, a.k.a. Big P, with Vijay, Stace and DAQ, on our way to the M.I.T. finale. Somehow the topic of old cartoon shows came up. Moments later, DAQ randomly started singing a verse of something from my childhood. Something I've mostly blocked.

"Denver, the last dinosaur. He's my friend, and a whole lot more."
"Denver, the last dinosaur. He's my friend, and a whole lot more."
"Denver, the last dinosaur. He's my friend, and a whole lot more."

This is, of course, from the short-lived 80s cartoon show "Denver: The Last Dinosaur," which told the tale of a surviving green dinosaur who skateboarded and played guitar in a kids rock band.

All in all, something we all need in our lives.



I thought posting it would give me a little more to work with than just those two lines that were on a continuous loop in my head ever since early April when DAQ first uttered the phrase, but alas, it's just making it worse. And so I've spread it like a virus. Muhahahaha...

Berkeley, Je T'Aime

It takes a very special place in the United States, one that is not located within the limits of a major metropolitan city, to have a movie like "Paris Je T'Aime" nearly pack the entire theatre at the local cinema.

The film, which just happens to be adorned with my favorite poster of 2007 thus far, is a compilation of short films about Paris made by some of the best international directors around. It's uneven and about 1/4 of the shorts are a little forgetful, but to have any kind of experimental film trumpeted on this, the weekend of the "Pirates 3" behemoth, is a real treat.

God, I love it here.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 3

HELP ME HELP YOU

Synopsis: Ted Danson plays a group therapist to a bunch of crazy whackos while dealing with his own difficult life, including an estranged wife (Jane Kaczmarek from "Malcolm in the Middle") who has just left him for Tom Wilson, a.k.a. Biff from "Back to the Future."

What Worked: This laugh track-free, improv-based comedy had a remarkably high quirk factor that ultimately led to its downfall. Surrounding himself with some of the best names in improvised comedy, this show worked its way into my better graces, despite some terrible sitcom-my subplots, by relying on the small idiosyncracies of the characters and not wacky madness at every turn. Each week we would learn more about Danson's core therapy group and why they are, in fact, all insane. The stand-out was the spunky Suzy Nakamura ("Curb Your Enthusiasm") who was an agoraphobe with little luck in love. The best episode focused on her home life, when upon meeting with her internet blind date and finding out it was a teenage boy (the son from "Sons & Daughters," to drop another improvised TV sitcom into the mix), she chooses to embrace him and his friends and bond over videogames and junk food.

The rest of the main group were interesting to watch, but what really made the show a haven for comedy nerds were the constant appearances by quasi-famous improv actors of whom you would have to have a working knowledge in order to realize why their mere appearance is enough to garner a few chuckles. This would include Jane Lynch and Judd Apatow (respectively a supporting character and the writer/director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"), Jonathan Katz ("Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist") and Toby Huss (while an accomplished comedian and voice-over artist in such shows as "Reno 911" and "King of the Hill," is probably best known to my readers as Stumpy on "Carnivale").

The show also gave me one of the biggest laughs of the year, when in the pilot Danson tries to get revenge on car salesman Tom Wilson by attempting to break his car windows with a golf club, only to find that the car's windows are too strong for his swing, resulting in him commenting something akin to "That's really a nice car."

What Didn't Work: I hate to say this, but Jane Kaczmarek. It's no secret that "Malcolm in the Middle" is one of my favorite comedies of all time, but she was completely wasted on this particular show. To go from Lois, uber-TV mother, to this shrill cipher was insulting to her talents.

Another member of the ensemble, Jere Burns ("Max Headroom"), was saddled with a completely terrible and unlikable character, a hot shot big wig with anger issues who would go so far as to fire an employee for beating his high score on a cell phone game. The character was a misstep, even during his scenes with a fellow group member with whom he was having an affair.

A couple times, the show lost some of its energy and a couple episodes seem like placeholders as a result. It bounced back, but I might have been the only one who noticed.

And, in retrospect, the show wasn't as funny as I thought it was when it was on.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Too quirky. Seriously. The general public like their Ted Danson in lame "Becker" reruns, not as a smart but complicated therapist, and to group him with a bunch of great improv actors just wasn't going to bring in the big numbers. It did gain a bit of ratings when put in the after-"Dancing-With-the-Stars" spot, but that never lasts more than a couple weeks in most instances. (Don't tell that to "Til Death," which only survived because it paired up with "AI" results a few times. Oh, and it was the only new Fox show of the 2006-2007 season that hadn't been canceled already.)

Overall Series: 7 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #65 (8.4 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Tom Wilson is now a semi-popular comedian, and his MySpace can be found here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=95021732

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 2

DAY BREAK

Synopsis: Taye Diggs ("Rent") plays as renowned Los Angeles cop who is framed for the death of an assistant district attorney. Catch is: he is reliving the same day over-and-over, "Groundhog Day" style, until he can uncover the conspiracy and figure out why he is being given this repeated chance to clear his name.

What Worked: Pretty damn near everything. This was a show for the ages, a taut, imaginative thriller with a supernatural twist that greatly rewarded attentive viewers with small details that grew into a whole lot of fun. Never taking itself too seriously, this loopy premise worked wonders by keeping it set strictly in a real world (no "Quantum Leap" madness) that didn't give the Diggs character, or the audience, any chance to breath. It was a fast-paced, violent, intelligent and entertaining mindfuck of the highest order, helped along by the fact that it was designed to begin and end its entire story within a 13-episode miniseries.

The show dealt with the constant struggle to not only prove his innocence, but also save the lives of many of those around him, including girlfriend Moon Bloodgood ("Pathfinder"), his ex-partner Adam Baldwin ("Firefly"), his sister's family and his informant. There were multiple plot strands threatening to collapse at any moment, but the show was savvy enough to juggle them effortlessly.

Not only was it a blast to see Diggs have to continually learn new tricks in order to survive and take information he gathered the day before and use them to his advantage the next day, but also deal with the bizarre fact that, unlike in Bill Murray's situation, injuries he garnered one day would continue onto the next, therefore making death in any day an endgame.

What Didn't Work: Absolutely nothing, save for the fact that this 13-episode miniseries, designed to cover up the "Lost" hiatus on ABC, was canceled after the sixth episode, making this a major blue balls network decision. Why it couldn't play out is beyond me. The remaining episodes are available on ABC.com, but I'll wait for the DVD set to devour with my mother.

Why Not Enough People Watched: We come back to the whole "serialized series are risky" explanation, especially when it comes to a midseason replacement. At this point, viewers were already juggling "Heroes," "Lost" and even recent casualty "Jericho," so a new series, one with such a batshit crazy premise, was lost on the casual viewer. It was too smart and too sly for its own good.

Taye Diggs has also not proven to be a draw, either on the big or small screen. His last show, "Kevin Hill," didn't make it past its first season, and it's hard to carry a show when nobody really cares. He is a charismatic actor and I wish the best for him, but network TV may not be the answer. Try HBO.

Overall Series: 9.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #85 (6.6 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Adam Baldwin is another show killer, having been in the cult classic series flop "Firefly" (which, of course, spun-off to the mini-flop of a film "Serenity") as well as the summer burnoff show from 2005 "The Inside." "The Visitor" and "The Cape," both from the mid-to-late 90s, also lasted only one season, and the fact that I hadn't heard of either is definitely a bad sign.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 1

I think I'm at about the safest distance possible from last week's network television's upfronts, where ABC/NBC/FOX/CBS announce their new schedules. More importantly, however, they are there to destroy the stories that have made up my prime-time life since last September. It happens every year, and it doesn't sting any less. Sure, there's a crop of lousy shows that bit the dust, but as we all know creativity is hard to come by in Hollywood, and the combination of Neilsen ratings and the big-wigs don't make it any easier to say goodbye to some special programs.

I say safest distance because it's enough days after the bad news to not feel extreme anger and resentment toward each and every network for their misdeeds, but not too far away that I feel it's not worth even bothering talking about said shows.

I'll hopefully dedicate one blog a day and briefly dissect a show that is leaving the airwaves, why it worked, why it didn't, why it failed to return and an overall rating for its season.

I'll start with ABC, using Zap2It.com's trusty list.

BIG DAY

Synopsis: Sort of like "24" except a half-hour comedy about the one day surrounding a wedding where absolutely nothing goes right.

What Worked: What could have been gimmicky and cliched ended up being...kind of gimmicky and cliched. But it also had this infectious attitude that was optimistic even in the face of extreme pathetic mayhem. The main couple, Josh Cooke ("Four Kings") and my middle-school TV crush Marla Sokoloff ("The Practice") had a wonderful give-and-take that had a sort of realism in a way that, say, they survived off their inside jokes and mutual respect, despite their wildly different backgrounds.

The ensemble really helped with that overall groovy feeling of the show, from the rich and bickering bride's parents played by Wendie Malick ("Just Shoot Me") and Kurt Fuller ("Wayne's World") to new-age guru father of the groom Stephen Tobolowsky ("Groundhog Day"). Each found a way to overact without going into self-parody, giving the show (along with the mostly house-based setting) a very welcoming theatrical quality.

The standout, however, was the gorgeous maid-of-honor Miriam Shor (Yitzhak in "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"), who proved herself a very talented comedienne who kept her wits about her and acted as a sort of vantage point for the viewer, aghast at the shenanigans thrown around the show. Her rapport with best man and relative newcomer Stephen Rannazzisi was fresh and free from sitcom crap, and their eventual marriage to each other (based on a very extreme game of "dare") seemed a better story arc than the central marriage. I can't wait to see her again in next season's "Swingtown."

What Didn't Work: Yeah, it's those aforementioned shenanigans that ultimately wore down the viewer. It's understandable that in this type of absurd comedy, you need to stack the decks against the character, but sometimes it was just too much. When the main characters began a turf war with a neighboring wedding, the show turned into "Meatballs Part II," and that is not a good thing. The high-strung wedding planner Stephnie Weir ("Mad TV") kept everything amusing for as long as she could, and I'd be glad to watch her in another series, but the lengths Malick's character went to humiliate and dominate Weir ended up a shriek-filled mess.

The two main characters, in the second-to-last episode, decide to hell with the wedding and run off to God knows where, but end up having a change of heart and returning to the ceremony, only to have it rudely interrupted by a hysterical estranged friend of the family. That was the last episode. No actual vows were exchanged, and that bothered me to no end. In the 2006-2007 season, there were plenty of shows that allowed themselves to have a good one-season arc in case they were cancelled (as they were with "Kidnapped," "Vanished" and "Day Break," as well as returning shows "Heroes" and "Friday Night Lights") but this one screamed second season when it didn't have the right. I wouldn't have watched a second season of this anyway, despite my fondness for it. The wedding works on its own. Learn from British TV, and try for short runs.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Please. A serialized comedy about a wedding? Tough sell. They tried to pull off an original trick, but audiences aren't always savvy enough to catch something like this. Poor advertisement on ABC's watch didn't help, as the ads pretty much included all the shrieking and none of the heart the show had, along with a very telling title card that had a wedding cake blowing up.

This also continues the reign of Josh Cooke, who now joins the infamous pantheon of show killers. All three of his most recent shows on which he was a major character never made it past 12 episodes, those being "Committed" and "Four Kings," and now this. (He also appeared as a rabbi on the series finale of "King of Queens," and while that show was always ended its nine-year run that night, I'd like to think he had something to do with it.) Come, join recent additions Eric Balfour and Chyler Leigh in this corner of the TV Hall of Shame (although if Leigh's recent presence on "Grey's Anatomy" as Meredith's half-sister bodes ill for the show, she has more destructive power than the Death Star).

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #116 (5.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Sokoloff once spoke out slightly against the chance of a second year of this show, as it would probably take place during their honeymoon and she didn't want to wear a swimsuit the entire season.

What I Did For Nigel Lythgoe: Five Reasons Why "So You Think You Can Dance" is a Better Show than "American Idol"

Tomorrow night marks the premiere of the third season of Fox's runaway summer hit dance show "So You Think You Can Dance," an electric set of 22 episodes that, in a way, pulls you directly into the world that is Media Whore. I've made no secret of my love of musicals, and the show my circle dubs as "Dancey Dance" (or what Stevi calls "So You Think You Wear Pants") fits right into that equation.

I give you five reasons, among many, why "Dancey Dance" is a better show than "American Idol." This is assuming that the show stuck with the voting process of the second season, a vast improvement over the first season. True, in the past I've always mentioned that "American Idol" is a great show in the way that it truly affects our future as a pop culture nation and really rallies for a voting public, and those are ways that makes "AI" better than "Dancey Dance," but for the purposes of this article, it should be noted that each show is better than the other in different ways. I know, I'm crazy.

1. "Dancey Dance," after an audition process similar to "AI"--except Hollywood week becomes Vegas week--the dancers are whittled down into a final 20 to perform and compete at a soundstage at CBS Television City right around the corner from the "AI" stage. These 20 (10 male, 10 female) are then paired together by the judges after weighing their strengths and weaknesses. Catch is, you are stuck with your partner for the first five weeks. This means it is a constant struggle in the show to not only improve week-after-week upon yourself, but to also lift your partner along with you. Sometimes the pairing can be incredibly bizarre, and often times one contestant will have to carry a contestant into the next round with all the vigor they can muster up. This makes for a remarkable challenge, both for the contestant and for the viewer, as a talented individual who, say, doesn't work well with others, can find themselves going home.

Other times, it works out in a magnificent way. Contestants will start to grab bits and pieces of energy from their partners they never had before, making them better contestants. A bond forms. (And sometimes maybe a little romance, as I thought when it came to the pairing of Natalie and Mousa.) A perfect example would be the pairing of Allison, a trained jazz dancer from Utah who has a small appearance in "High School Musical," and Ivan, an Eastern Russian immigrant who was known more as a street dancer and "pop-and-lock'er." Judges gave Ivan a lot of crap early on, as he was struggling with the very difficult material that was way out of his league and seemed to be a leech on Allison's talent. After several weeks later, however, Ivan began to pick up this wonderful contemporary vibe from Allison he sorely lacked, and she finally got some flavor into her vanilla moves. The below YouTube clip signifies their best performance. (Keep in mind, all linked videos save for one were dances that made it to the "Dancey Dance" tour, which I caught in Oakland with my mom and sister.) *choreographed by Tyce Dioro*



2. In the voting process introduced in the second season, the show differed greatly in its first half than the second half of the program's run. During the aforementioned rock-solid couplings, viewers voted for their favorite pairs. The bottom three pairs would then perform solo numbers, apart from each other, on the results show. However, the lowest scores didn't necessarily go home, as the home viewers never found out what that was. Instead, the judges would send home the couple they deemed necessary. That's right, the judges. This means that for every show between the top 20 and the top 10, there would be little chance of someone less talented eking by for weeks, or pretty much what happens every year on "AI." If they suffered, they suffered the consequences.

Better yet, the judges truly weighed that contestant's/couple's entire run of the show, going from auditions to now, so unlike "AI" a bad performance would perhaps not entirely destroy their chances of moving on in the competition. This is a breath of fresh air for those who mourn the loss of many an "AI" contestant who just had a bad week. Only one villain really existed in the second half of "Dancey Dance's" second season, Dmitriy, but he was still a very talented individual.

During the Top 10, the couples disintegrate and are randomly chosen, and the voting process turns to the viewers to eliminate individual dancers (one male, one female) each week, and at that point in the competition everyone should be at around the same level.

3. In "AI," producers and vocal coaches are indeed there to suggest songs to the contestants, but the final decision still belongs to the singer. Not so in "Dancey Dance." The judges themselves are the choreographers (save for Nigel, executive producer of both "Dancey Dance" and "AI," who is still a trained dancer), so they know what the hell they're talking about. While each has a wildly different sense of style--compare Mia Michaels' bizarre but beautiful contemporary repertoire to Mary Murphy's rigid ballroom protocals, or Dan Karaty's safe hip-pop boy band music video moves to Shane Sparks' wild and balls-out freedom that informed his choreography in "You Got Served"--they all respect each other's fields, and know how to discuss such things in detail.

4. Since the judges do the choreography (when they choreograph, they are not allowed to judge that week, but return in later weeks), they are given free reign to push the dancers to the limit. There is no pussyfooting around, and if you can't do the Cuban rumba that Alex da Silva is teaching you, you'd better believe you're going to look like a fool out there on the dance floor. This forces a contestant to not only break out of their comfort zone--true, that happens in "AI" sometimes, but even in country week singers find a way to bring it back to their strengths--but to put up or shut up. There is no lying back while your fans rally around you, because if you don't make that lift look spectacular, you're exposed. This makes for a constant flow of energy and pizzaz every single episode, and it's infectious. Admire what Ms. Michaels does to the top 10 dancers in this clip, having them find their inner spirits, make them trust that they don't look like clowns even with some borderline foolish-looking moves, and get them to connect their story to the audience.



5. I've said it before and I'll say it again: there is nothing more exciting, energetic and erotic than a great dance sequence. They get you pumped and feeling alive. They get you to move to the rhythm of life, which is indeed a powerful beat. And if done right, they get you the girl, figuratively speaking (or literally, depending on your circumstances and skills). "Dancey Dance" understands this, and isn't just a sort of reality television regurgitation for the masses. (Yes, I hate "Dancing with the Stars" with a passion.) It hits you on an emotional level on almost every occasion, something "AI" can only boast with a handful of contestants. Let's look at runner-up Travis' contemporary dance with third-place Heidi, using a song featured in one of the greatest modern movies most people have never seen, "Baghdad Cafe." *choreographed by Mia Michaels*



I've said so much about how great the show is without even mentioning the great first season the show had, or even the winner of season two, the supremely talented Benji. It's so good, I don't even have to. But I leave you with the final and unofficial sixth reason why "Dancey Dance" is better than "AI"--"AI" doesn't have zombies. *choreographed by Wade Robinson*

The 8th step of addiction recovery would be very odd in this situation

So, I just voted 100 times for Jordin Sparks to win "American Idol." I know the first step of addiction recovery is admitting you have a problem, and I wholeheartedly admit that I fall under this category, but there is no part of me that wants to quit the drug that is "American Idol." Sorry.

During today's final performance night, though, one thing did strike me as incredibly awkward: Marlee Matlin was in the audience.

Don't get that clay pigeon in your hair now, y'heard?

The usage proliferation of the term "skeet" in recent years has fascinated me. As we all know, or at least should know, the term came into mainstream usage with the song "Get Low" by Atlanta's Lil' Jon & the East Side Boyz, wherein we are barraged with this during the chorus:

To the window! To the wall!
Till the sweat drop down my balls (My Balls!)
All these bitches crawl (Crawl)
Y'all skeet skeet motherfuckers (Motherfuckers)
Y'all skeet skeet god damn (God Damn!!!)
Y'all skeet skeet motherfuckers (Motherfuckers)
Y'all skeet skeet god damn (God Damn!!!)

Some of us were a little confused by the term, as it is hardly put into context within the song. Dave Chappelle, on his dearly departed sketch program "Chappelle's Show," addressed the song, and then suggested that white people don't know what it means.

This is why urbandictionary.com is a great resource. I did come to learn what the term meant, but the first post in the search said something to the effect of "Something white folk don't understand and have to look up in urbandictionary.com."

Hardey-har.

A few years later, I appreciate the new top entry a great deal more.

"Skeet" is actually a form of birth control practiced by the African-American tribes of North America near the beginning of the 21st Centruy. Visionaries of the time (such as Lil Jon and Nelly) recognized the inevitable and everpresent danger of overpopulation in their land and decided to take action. They discovered an ancient form of birth control used by their ancestors that involved "pulling out and shooting" (much like skeet shooting) during sexual intercourse, as to not impregnate the female, or "biatch". The visionaries spread the word the only way they knew how: rap music. People would listen to the songs of the visionaries during ritual smoking ceremonies and chant "skeet skeet skeet!". Every tribe of their kind in the land listened to rap music and the idea of skeeting quickly gained in popularity. Soon, the entire African-American tribe had done its part to offset the effects of overpopulation through generations of skeeting on the women that they did not wish to impregnate. However, the other tribes of the land (most notabley, the Whites and Mexicans) did not support the "Skeet Movement". They continued to grow in number until the Whites eventually ate the Mexicans. The Whites, however, refused to eat the African-Americans for fear of sickle cell anemia, so they all got on a very large boat and went back to England.

Now, halfway through that entry the etymology of the term is explained, albeit ever-so-briefly. Yes, in the sport of skeet shooting, you hit the trap, therefore pulling the clay pigeon, which flies out at a great speed into the air, where it is thusly taken down by a bullet from a shotgun wielded by an average sportsman. Therefore, pulling and shooting.

In theory, I feel that while the term does make logical sense, I can't get over a few troubling matters with this term and its origin.

1. Ejaculate very rarely exits the member in a disc form. There have been rare exceptions in places blessed by bleeding Virgin Mary statues and electromagnetic, invisible islands a la the television show "Lost."

2. If a clay pigeon hit you square in the face at maximum speed, a few bones would without a doubt break. Ejaculate, on the other hand, should be nothing more than a mild annoyance. Are they saying their ejaculate could break someone's jaw?

3. Ejaculate cannot possibly travel at the same speed as a clay pigeon, can it?

For the third point, I felt I had to do further research with the matter to settle it once and for all. A Google search using the phrase "speed of a clay pigeon" brought me to a sporting goods website selling "Clay Trap Throwers" (http://www.lcishootingsports.com/pages/products/). After a quick moment of perusing the site, I found that with the top product at LCI Shooting Sports, the average speed of the clay pigeon could be adjusted from 45-60 miles per hour. Sounds about right.

In order to compare, another search was in order, so I did what I usually do with more esoteric queries than Google can deal with: I asked Jeeves. Jeeves knows everything. Going to ask.com, I clicked the box next to the jolly butler and asked the following question: "At what speed does an average man ejaculate?"

Top result, no go. Top five. No go.

The sixth entry brought me to a site called "Strange But True Penis Facts" (http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/102521.html). Jackpot! After learning that, in fact, the average man will ejaculate 7,200 times in his life, or that the average amount of an average man's ejaculate over the course of his life is exactly 2/5 of what it needs to fill the average bathtub, I finally find the fact for which I was searching.

Average Speed of Ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average Speed of a City Bus: 25 miles per hour

So, it's quicker than a city bus, which has been known to kill pedestrians on occasion, but slower than a thrown clay pigeon.

As a result, I do not accept the terms of this etymology. It is ill-conceived and easily disproven. Thusly, I shall offer my own personal take on the origin of the term "skeet."






That's right, actor Skeet Ulrich.

Think about it: Skeet Ulrich came into mainstream popularity in 1996, when he starred as one of the villains in the Wes Craven/Kevin Williamson horror thriller "Scream." Lil' Jon didn't officially coin the term until well over five years later. Coincidence? Absolutely not.

Secondly, with the exception of "Scream" and his bit part in "As Good As It Gets" (1997), his performances usually elicit the same two emotions: pleasant, but a little shameful. (e.g. "Chill Factor," the television show "Miracles" or the recently canceled "Jericho.") Now what else is both pleasant AND a little shameful?

I rest my case.

You Can't Get It Right Every Year: How "American Idol" Just Broke My Heart

*sigh* Yes, I was a Melinda Doolittle fan. Yes, she was just sent home on "American Idol" last night. And yes, I'm still pretty angry about the whole thing. Sure, I get attached to singers on the show every year, just to see them whither and die in the competition or make a misstep that costs them every thing they've worked for on the weeks on the show preceding. There's no real science involved with who goes through round-after-round on this gargantuan ratings hit, but there is an art to the same idea. Really, I knew Melinda was going to go home, but for the first time in a while, I just didn't want to believe it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one in the country to say it, but I consider myself a sort of scholar of this particular television show. Anyone who followed my writings at the Los Angeles Loyolan knows I spent an unhealthy amount of space writing about this yearly phenomenon, often in ways that I'm sure cost me the small amount of readers who actually took the time to peruse my personal articles aside from my more objective critical pieces. In season 3 when Jennifer Hudson was booted from the show after only reaching seventh place, I placed an ad, separate from my own personal column, with a false obituary, putting the date of her ousting below that of her picture. My editors looked at me funny, but I kept it. Now she has an Oscar, is in the midst of probably creating one of the biggest R&B albums of this decade and has been requested by Ms. Franklin herself to star in the early-in-development biopic of Aretha. Bottom line: listen to me.

Sure, I've backed other losers like Paris Bennett (season 5, fifth place), Constantine Maroulis (season 4, sixth place), Nadia Turner (season 4, eighth place), Kimberley Locke (season 2, third place), Gina Glockson (season 6, ninth place) and my Bay Area darling LaToya London (season 3, fourth place). But with the exception of a couple, each went home exactly when I thought they would. It's really difficult to know what America wants in a singer week-after-week, and when their story no longer seems interesting, really, it's time to go.

Case in point: season five's golden boy wasn't Taylor Hicks, but Chris Daughtry. Now, let's put aside that his debut album has sold about 17 wackydongzillion albums (I think that's the official amount as of yesterday's Billboard charts) and has probably outperformed the combined sales of the three contestants who did better than him that season (those being Taylor Hicks, Katherine McPhee and Elliott Yamin). He has that voice that alternative rock stations love: you know, sort of Grunge 2.0, kind of like Fuel and Nickelback and Staind and all that other crap but more sellable to the masses and, more importantly, the teenage girls who made sure that "Titanic" will always be the biggest box office champion of all time. Here was a man who auditioned for "Rock Star: INXS" but was rejected, forcing him to move to a more family-friendly venue.

Now, when he was ousted, the country went up in arms. There was more of an outcry for a recount for him than it ever was with Al Gore or John Kerry. Thing is, I called it the moment he sang "Suspicious Minds" during Elvis week. I had the privilege of attending the "American Idol" dress rehearsal a week earlier for the top 5. Really, there's not much to the untrained eye that would make the dress rehearsal more interesting. It's merely for the singers' own benefit, as the clips that attach to the respective phone numbers at the end of the real live show happen to be taken from the dress rehearsal (in case you've ever sat through a live show, and then wondered why the clips at the end "didn't feel right").

But to a true fan of the show, it was a lot more subtle of a discovery. With the top four of Taylor, Katherine, Elliott and Chris, I saw their true colors and what put them into the final positions: how their fans treated them, and how they treated their fans. Taylor, of course, had his infamous Soul Patrol, made up mostly of women above 35 who swooned over, as David Spade once referred to him, "an overweight, grey-haired, slightly retarded Southerner." Taylor ate up every moment of this, gave them his full attention when he could, and seemed genuinely respectful of these people who had made him their lives for the four-five months of the show's duration. Elliott was the same: he had a loyal fan base, not nearly as large as Taylor's but one that really let their freak flags fly. He was kind and grateful, and enjoyed having their company and fed off their energy.







Katherine, on the other hand, was an Ice Queen in big capital letters. After each of her songs, Ryan spoke with her for a moment and recited the phone numbers necessary to vote for her, and she immediately walked off the stage the first moment she could. No wave to the crowd, no acknowledgement, no nothing. Really, I don't feel she ever really had much of a fan base, those with "McPheever," but I can tell you what she did have: a beautiful face and great tits. It's the 21st century, but great tits will still get you pretty much everything you want. Except for a top spot in a reality competition and an album that's anything other than excruciatingly lame! (Zing!)

What surprised me, though, was that Chris did almost the same thing, but with that very frightening scowl of his. Yikes. I knew how he treated his fans, and karma's a bee-eye-itch my friend.

Therein lies my very longwinded explanation of why I'm usually right when it comes to "American Idol." Sorry you had to go through that, but really, everybody and their mother (literally) seems to watch this show, as it does not focus on any age group or gender demographic, and is watched pretty much equally in all states. (Except for Montana, where I hear they have horses instead of televisions.) It's a lesson I learned and have been able to apply with the following season (this one). Really, predicting "Idol" is a continuous learning experience. You have to pay attention to the trends and the signs. If Simon wants somebody off that week, he shouldn't praise them (to energize that singer's fan base) or completely demolish them (which REALLY energizes that singer's fan base out of protection), but merely say "that was okay." Apathy and wishy-washiness equates to death on "Idol."

Other items I learned over the years:

-Nobody likes "gospel jaw." (Bye, Jennifer Hudson)
-Hot legs without showing off your boobs barely gets you halfway. (Enjoy your fiancee, Haley Scarnato.)
-Having eye sex with the crowd and the camera each week gets old. (How's that two-week stint on "The Bold and the Beautiful," Constantine Maroulis?)
-Don't have the same hairstyle each week, then suddenly change it. (Fuck off, Ace Young.)
-Don't be a black person who can't sing. (White people are more forgiving of their tone-deaf kin.)

Hell, it didn't even surprise me when this year's villain Sanjaya Malakar made it all the way to the top 7 with nary a note on key at any point after Hollywood Week. True, I wanted him gone with every fiber of my being, and definitely shed a tear when he was chosen to stay over the incredible voice that is Gina Glockson (too rock-n-roll for America, to state another "Idol" trend).

To continue to precede my true thoughts on why Melinda is gone, I have to deal with another topic. (I'm sorry I'm sorry, but for every person who thinks I'm just going crazy with all this "Idol" talk, there are four out there who know exactly what the eff I'm talking about.) That being this whole controversy on Howard Stern's show as to why, say, Sanjaya finally left and how the show truly picks who goes home each week. See, Stern's show, along with the website votefortheworst.com, were trying to really pull a prank on TV-watching America by asking their fans and visitors to vote for Sanjaya Malakar to stay in the competition. Both pretty much claim it was their doing that made him last so long. When he finally left, one of Howard's "insiders" at "Idol" said it was because the producers sent him home, not America. This guy claims that while most of the "paperwork has already been shredded," everyone knew that it was producers Simon Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe who made the decision, and apparently make the decision every week, about who stays and who goes based on buzz and ratings. Each week, he comes on to say who will be off next, and can be right.






Now, I have a major problem with Howard Stern. I used to be a fan, but I don't like the person he has become since moving onto Sirius radio. I don't listen to him enough to really speak of his new show in detail, but my mother listens to his full show everyday and relays these things to me. But there are some really big issues with these claims, in no particular order.

1. To rig a game show is illegal. Seriously. It absolutely is. There is a law specific to television game shows for such a thing. Hell, Robert Redford made an entire movie about what created this law. It's called "Quiz Show," it got a fuckload of Oscar noms, and it isn't a bad movie. Howard's insider claims that the voting process on "Idol" is done so that nobody but the producers can actually check on the numbers, so it's their word against everybody else if they cheated. Now, this seems far-fetched for anybody who cares about this show, because why would they bite the 30 million hands that feed them? This doesn't take into account the long-lasting presence of such "Idol" duds as Scott Savol (s4), Anthony Federov (s4), Jasmine Trias (s3), Diana DeGarmo (s3 final two), Carmen Rasmusen (s2) and our very own Sanjaya. But I can tell you why each of these contestants made it as far as they did. Seriously. I wouldn't even break an intellectual sweat.

The insider finally made a wrong move this week and said that the producers were going to get rid of Blake Lewis, the sole remaining eye candy for girls on the show. Wrong!

2. Howard has been struggling like crazy with his ratings ever since moving to satellite radio. Sure, he likes to tell you how many new subscribers come to the service each month solely because of him (which you can't really prove one way or the other) and how much praise he gets, but really, I think Sirius Radio made a $500 million dollar mistake. A good deal of people don't know that a lot of these new subscribers aren't subscribers at all. Sirius bought the opportunity to have their service installed in a series of new car models (forgot which specifically) and are counting those toward their subscriber numbers. So let me make it clear: Sirius is counting the radios they personally paid for in cars that haven't even been bought yet, that are simply sitting in lots across the country. Way to boost your numbers Enron-style, assholes.

Howard also happens to be a huge fan of reality television. Seriously. He can't stop talking about the latest developments of "Survivor," "Big Brother," et al, but he seems to have a problem with "Idol." Why? I think it's because it's far and away the biggest hit American television has had in years ("Grey's Anatomy" and "CSI," while juggernauts, can't even TOUCH what "Idol" has), and he's just trying to stir up shit to boost his own ratings. People are talking about him in relation to Sanjaya's long "Idol" life in great numbers. Hell, I'm doing it. Fuck this, I can't give him anymore press, as small as it may be.

3. A good predictor of "Idol" results, though it took me a few years to believe it, would be dialidol.com, which is a service one downloads to speed-dial your favorite contestants, then with pretty damn good accuracy tells you who is going home this week due to the amount of busy signals each contestant gets. They say they were 87% accurate with season 5 predictions, which is honestly better than most pop culture publications such as ew.com and zap2it.com. They've been pretty dead-on this year, and finally, last night, they decided it was too close to call a winner, just as they did last year when Taylor, Katherine and Elliott each received 33% of the vote, plus a few different decimals. Howard's insider (dammit, I'm doing it again), as aforementioned, said Blake was going home. Nope, it was Melinda.

4. Sanjaya stayed on because he was a young teenage boy, cute in a very odd kind of way, was unthreatening and unassuming, didn't stir the pot, had a sister who also auditioned and made it to Hollywood week and was probably incredibly gay (for that good ol' Clay Aiken vote). He was voted off when that became boring. Each week he stayed was not a surprise. Not by a longshot. It wasn't Howard. It wasn't votefortheworst.com. In a show that got around 60 million votes for this week's competition, I cannot believe that either's relatively small fanbase had any kind of impact on the voting. This is the kind of program that got all of Ruben Studdard's hometown in Alabama to vote hundreds of times until the voting time ran out. "Idol" fans are RAVENOUS, and no stupid shock jock or lousy website can really affect that with any true seriousness.

---

Now, onto Melinda Doolittle. She has, in my opinion, the best voice I've heard on "American Idol" in the five years I've watched it (sorry, didn't really get into season one until the final damn episode). Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson are the other two, but both have a tendency to go wildly over-the-top, and hence neither one won the competition. My mother is a rabid Claymate, so I choose my words wisely (she goes across the country for his concerts, used to sell his old demos to benefit his foundation, and has a painted portrait of Mr. Aiken hanging on the wall in her office), but Melinda really did have something special. And she brought it week after week.

Herein lies the problem: she was great. Every single week. Every. Single. Song. This may sound incredibly odd to outsiders, but completely normal for those in the "Idol" loop, but being consistently great doesn't get people fired up.

She started off with a great origin story, though. After graduating from Belmont Unversity in music, for years she's been toiling as a back-up singer for such acts as CeCe Winans, Aaron Neville and "Idol's" own George Huff (s3, fifth place), and has never really had much confidence in her abilities, at least not enough to be a headliner. She came to the auditions on a whim after her accompanying friends suggested she try out, and she was the only one who went through. For much of the first half of this season, her story has been a heartwarming yarn about breaking out of her comfort zone and finally allowing herself to be the star she was destined to be.

Unfortunately, that story disappeared once everyone jumped on the "what the fuck is Sanjaya still doing on the show" bandwagon. It's a fickle world on "Idol," and when you're not the center of attention, your days are numbered.

But she just kept on being great, with each theme, which each mentor, with each and every note. There was absolutely nothing wrong with anything she did, and that's just not what "Idol" audiences like. They like a roller coaster. They like bad weeks from which you can recover, allowing that your fans give you that chance with enough votes. Both Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis (this season's final two) have had bad weeks, and each have actually had awful weeks. But all this does is serve to ignite a match and start a fire underneath their collective and respective fan bases, hoping that they can come back strong. And they have. Not as strongly as Melinda, but enough to create a story.

Melinda is now free to make a great album away from the controlling hands of 19 Entertainment, who pretty much entirely owns these people for the duration of recording and promoting their first album. It's worked for Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood (still the only two "Idol" winners to really become more than that), but it's interesting to listen to Clay Aiken and Taylor Hicks talk about how much their creative spirit had been crushed by the company. Now Melinda can do whatever the fuck she wants, and just like I'm itching to pick up Paris Bennett's debut album, I will be the first in line to pick up Mindy Doo's triumphant debut. Fuck that idea that she's not marketable (she isn't as much as Jordin or Blake, but she's still got a lot going on), and fuck that idea that nobody cares. A great voice will always find its way to the top, even if it takes years.

I bid you adieu Melinda. And if Jordin Sparks doesn't win "Idol," I may return for more insane bloggage. That girl's got some pipes.