'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : Another Pause in Our Programming

Well, another network down. We've learned this year that for the most part, NBC, under the watch of recently ousted entertainment president Kevin Reilly, took chances with some very peculiar shows, and for the most part stuck with them at least for a full season (or half-season in the cases of mid-season replacements). The casualties weren't as severe as ABC, nor as half-assed as CBS, or nearly the disaster that was FOX's last season (one, count them, one new show lasted to see another season, and it's not a very good one) and the future looks bright for NBC. I'll deal with their new shows later on when that times draws closer.

There were, of course, another handful of shows on NBC's canceled list about which I didn't write. This would either be due to the fact that I was on the road for four months starting in January (severely limiting the hours I usually dedicated to watching every damn thing the networks throw at me) or a complete lack of interest. As follows:

-"The Black Donnellys": Paul Haggis is sort of a hack, and while the concept mildly intrigued me, I wasn't going to watch anything he created on his own. I reserve my right to do this.

-"Crossing Jordan": During its entire run I have seen exactly zero episodes. I did, however, see an episode of "Las Vegas" where the two characters randomly appeared to solve a mystery at the Montecito. It was okay.

-"Grease: You're The One That I Want": I watched the first three weeks of this, and then work caught up with me (along with the fact that it was nigh-impossible to download any episodes of this). I appreciated the effort but wasn't ecstatic about it, and from what I knew of the contestants by the time I stopped watching, I was not satisfied with the winning couple. Still, an intriguing idea for a show that just didn't catch on. (You know, like "On the Lot" right now.)

-"Raines": I saw the pilot very recently, and thought it was really interesting, but I just don't have it in me to download the rest of the small season, especially now that it's canceled. Sorry, Jeff Goldblum.

-"The Real Wedding Crashers": One of the two shows that stole "Studio 60's" Monday at 10 spot, it fell under that series of reality television--i.e. dating shows and wifeswapping--I decided early on to avoid.

-"Thank God You're Here": A mediocre but slightly watchable take-off on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" that just didn't grab my attention during the first episode. All the episodes were available on NBC.com and still may be (along with "TBD" and "Friday Night Lights") and still very may well be, and I might visit a couple more before I say goodbye, but I'm fine without it. The hilarious Bryan Cranston, who appeared on the first episode, now has his own series coming up called "Breaking Bad." I'm looking forward to that far more.

As with ABC's "What About Brian?" I'm not sure if I'm ready to discuss the cancellation of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" for two reasons:

1) It is very dear to my heart.

2) They're still technically burning off episodes.

And as for "The Apprentice," it may not be on the fall schedule, and Trump may have threatened to quit, but current legal battles and flighty network executives haven't technically dropped this one yet.

CBS is next, and they've got some shit to deal with maintenant.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 12

KIDNAPPED

Synopsis: The son of an affluent New Yorker is kidnapped, leading to a high-powered manhunt involving vast political conspiracies.

What Worked: Probably the most sly debut show of the season, this was underplayed and nearly underacted, avoiding the bombastic nature of most cop shows. This was one to which you reaaaaally had to pay attention, and for the few episodes that actually aired in its original Wednesday at 10 timeslot, it made the viewers feel like they were reading a damn good mystery novel. This was a full season commitment, much like HBO's "The Wire," which pretty much every reputable critic in America agrees is one of the greatest television shows of all time. "Kidnapped" is not "The Wire," not even close, but it shared the same intelligence.

I know that I've been gushing over the ensemble cast of most shows already in this article series, but "Kidnapped" boasted by far the greatest, bar none. I have been the biggest Jeremy Sisto fan ever since his role as Roberto in Lawrence Kasdan's tour de force "Grand Canyon" (like Paul Haggis's "Crash," only not lame) right through such works as "Clueless," "May" and his role as Billy Chenoweth on "Six Feet Under." As the hard-edged private eye with unorthodox tactics (yeah, aren't they always that way?), he was an itchy trigger finger antihero that seemed more at home in a cable show like "The Closer" or "The Shield."

The rest of the major cast included Bay Area guy Delroy Lindo ("Get Shorty") as Sisto's former partner and pointman of the investigation, Mykelti Williamson ("Forrest Gump") as the victim's bodyguard and Timothy Hutton ("Ordinary People") and Dana Delaney ("NYPD Blue") as the parents. In addition, the show was filmed in New York, so instead of those L.A. characters actors we see in several shows during the same year in guest roles, "Kidnapped" has its share of cult actors and theatre personalities, the two most noteworthy being Anthony Rapp ("Rent") and James Urbaniak (Dr. Venture on "The Venture Brothers").

What Didn't Work: This show got praised to high holy heaven by many print and online critics, but I always found it a bit too solemn for its own good, or for its very few viewers. I found the focus on the parents too depressing to work in comparison to the in-depth investigation, which is an admittedly sociopathic response entirely on my part but still nevertheless true.

I wish the show had remained a little more focused on the case at hand, really, and understanding more about the Sisto character and less about the victim (who we saw being kept in Mexico for no real reason), more like the other wealthy kidnapped person show this year, FOX's "Vanished." I actually enjoyed that show a great deal more, but in a very stupid I'm-watching-FOX way.

But it's very hard to pass judgement on this show, since it lasted no more than four episodes in its time slot, was put on hiatus, then asked by the producers to take the 22-episode arc and squeeze it into 13, then only aired those episodes scattered throughout the year, ultimately showing the final handful all together on a weekend.

Why Not Enough People Watched: The death of the serialized show not about superheroes or castaways continues. It's definitely a tough sell, and to put it into the slot occupied by TV mainstay "Law & Order" after more than a decade in the same spot probably seemed like blasphemy to NBC watchers. ("L&O" also suffered greatly from this change, a move that almost ended its legendary run entirely.)

I can't blame NBC for canceling it, though. Just look at that cast list. That's a whole lot of moolah to pony up, not to mention the fact that New York is an absolute killer of shows due to the monstrous sums of money it takes to film there.

It just wasn't happening. NBC was hemmhoraging money, and needed a surefire hit from the get-go. Let's see how Sisto does now that he's joined "L&O." (What a coinkydink.)

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #106 (5.6 million viewers)

Fun Fact: NBC tried a bold new marketing strategy by placing the show's pilot on Netflix a month in advance to spread the good word. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. And look, what other show did they try this on? "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," another one that won't be making it to next season. It did work for "Heroes," but one out of three is very much bad.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 11

IDENTITY

Synopsis: Coolest motherfucking magician on the face of the planet Penn Jillette--whose daughter's name is Moxie Crimefighter (best name in the world)--hosts this game show where he literally puts 12 people on pedestals and asks contestants to correctly identify their identity for cash prizes.

What Worked: This was kind of a gnarly show. Let's put aside the fact that I know a production assistant who worked on the show (and was subsequently promoted, though I don't know to what position), but this was a good game show that at least took a little bit more skill than simple fifth grade statistics and picking random briefcases. You had to understand people, what made them who they were, and finding little miniscule details about their person that lent you the answer to their true identity. The identity is "shark-bite victim?" Look for how their clothes are placed. "Elementary school teacher"? Look at their eyes, for that's where the stress of teaching third grade resides.

It was also amusing to an ungodly amount where you as a pop culture aficionado (or maybe it's just me and my close friends) absolutely know the identity of a certain person, and the contestant does not. This includes Stan Lee, "Top Model" Caridee English, the Moviefone guy, etc. When former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight lasted the entirety of his episode without being identified (I believe the contestant lost before they got a chance), I was 95% certain he would have gone home that night and killed himself in depression, but alas this was not the case.

There's also the #1 reason why I liked this show: Penn Jillette. I don't think enough people know it, but I have a strong obsession with magicians. I absolutely love every single one of them that has the competence and confidence (whee, rhyming) to do their shit with absolute finesse. It's only natural: film is basically an illusion at 24 frames per second--look at me ripping off Godard and Neil Burger in the same fucking sentence--so why should I neglect magic itself? Jillette is my favorite of these, along with his mute pal Teller, for treating their trade as both art and entertainment, as well as a teaching device. They are the ones who tend to explain their tricks, which is oddly not frustrating at all. I'd rather them tell me how they made a fucking submarine disappear from underwater in the Bahamas (they used a helicopter) than David Copperfield hide the fact that he made the Statue of Liberty disappear by covering it up with FOG MACHINES! And this isn't even mentioning the stellar Showtime series "Penn & Teller's Bullshit" where the two act as probably the most logical investigative reporters in television history.

Yes, I'm a goddamn media whore. Jillette's presence on this show makes everything 800X better. Sue me. I'm going to really miss this guilty pleasure.

What Didn't Work: Stevi would like me to mention that she refers to this show, which she did still very much enjoy, as "Shit I Did Last Week." She (and me to a much lesser extent) felt that the title "Identity" was sometimes a misnomer, as something that happened in a person's life (that person being one of the 12 on a pedestal) did not necessarily indicate their true identity. The "shark-bite victim" previously mentioned is an example, as are people who have their IQs/SAT scores listed as their identity, or people who had heart transplants in the past, et cetera et cetera. This was mildly annoying, but not as much as...

...my gameshow hatred of a contestant automatically losing because of one wrong answer. Now, in the first half of the game, the contestant was allowed one wrong answer, which was pretty sweet. They were also allowed to narrow down their choices (like on "Millionaire" where the four choices were whittled down to two, even though that would 90% of the time be the two answers the contestant was ALREADY CONSIDERING) and ask a "panel of experts" (body language expert, FBI dude and psychologist), but this still bothered me. I know the design of the show is to get people to use their damn smarts to identify the 12 people, and I saw at least three contestants win the big prize (half a million, I believe), but I will automatically be opposed to a show where one wrong answer equals termination.

Overall Series: 7.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #90 (6.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: David Blaine is an asshole. And not a magician. Fuck him. And thus concludes the first of this series I wrote drunk. I think it's noticeable.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 10

ANDY BARKER, P.I.

Synopsis: A newly relocated accountant (Andy Richter, "...Controls the Universe") finds that his new office was once the headquarters for a private eye (Harve Presnell, "Fargo"), and takes on the bizarre cases that literally walk through his door.


What Worked: As usual, Richter himself. Since his departure from "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (who is also a producer on this show), he's struggled with ratings for his own shows, but he has always been a top-notch comedic actor, whose power lies in the fact that he underplays everything so much that he comes off not as an actor, but as a friend that happens to be on television. A lot of very strange things happened on this show, and it was approached
with a very hard-to-identify kind of nonchalance that made the show original and different.

The cases always had a fucked-up twist to them, but they also gave the show a lighthearted shrug quality that seemed to intentionally alienate viewers used to CSI zooms and body wounds and shit. The cases weren't the point, but the quirks of the individual characters, such as the sudden violence of Presnell's character or the drier-than-a-desert delivery of Richter's secretary or the so-horny-as-to-be-creepy vibe of video store clerk Tony Hale ("Arrested Development").

What Didn't Work: Honestly, though, I was very confused when this show got all the praise it did, especially from Ain't It Cool News' Herc, who declared it the funniest show he'd ever seen. I smiled more than giggled, and I only got one big belly laugh out of the entire series. (Andy is investigating a chicken meatpacking conspiracy, and during a footchase scene he grabs a stray chicken, puts it in a warehouse and assures the chicken that it'll be safe. As he closes the door, it is labeled "Chicken Slaughterhouse.")

The rest of the time, the nonchalance I praised the show for also was a tad too forced, as I stopped caring about the cases altogether. That's fine, but it made the plot-heavy sequences kind of pointless, as if the writers are just treading water until they can come up with another weird joke about "an emergency thermos of bisque."

Why Not Enough Viewers Watched: Say it with me.

1. No laugh track.

2. Weird, difficult and quirky humor.

3. No bankable stars.

4. Bad advertising.

I was also extremely put off that the best episode of the series, "The Lady Varnishes" starring the absolutely hilarious Amy Sedaris, was only available online. Way to believe in a show from your future "Tonight Show" host, NBC.

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #112 (5.4 million viewers)

Fun Fact: I am mildly glad that the show isn't around anymore for one very particular reason. Now that series regular Marshall Manesh is not attached to the show, he can appear as often as he fucking wants on "How I Met Your Mother" as taxi/limo driver Ranjit!

"Hit it, Ranjit!"

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 9

20 GOOD YEARS

Synopsis: Two aging friends, a judge (Jeffrey Tambor) and a doctor (John Lithgow), face mid-life crises and decide to move in together in an attempt to recapture their youth and finally experience the titular amount of time.

What Worked: In an effort to grab a viewing demographic often neglected by the networks (basically anything above age 35), NBC tried its hand at something old-fashioned and morose in the world of modern sitcoms.

What Didn't Work: Who am I kidding? Of the 25-or-so new shows in the 2006-2007 television season I watched, this was by far the worst. How Tambor and Lithgow can go from "Arrested Development" and "Third Rock From the Sun" (one of which is already a comedy classic, the other a warm reminder of the sitcom heyday of the 1990s) to this utterly despicable piece of shit absolutely boggles my mind. There must have been a really big paycheck involved for each of them, because otherwise these two savvy and very dependable character actors should be completely ashamed. There was not one laugh in this absolute bummer of a show, and this judgement is coming from someone who even found something to like in "Date Movie."

There is a good premise here, no question. Some of my favorite stories, be they TV, film or literature, involve people whose quests for personal contentment and happiness are sacrificed due to decisions made either for their struggles at the time or for the benefit of others, and their last-minute attempts to find that spirit again, start anew, become a new person. It's a simple concept to which absolutely everyone can relate, and it gives its main character(s) a strong amount of empathy other characters in other stories have problems attaining from the viewer/reader/listener.

So what the hell happened here? Why did I despise both characters, why was this show greenlighted, and why was I so pleased when the show was canceled after, I believe, two episodes, even though it might have spelled disaster for the other half of that NBC hour that belonged to "30 Rock"?

What a disaster.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Really, it wasn't anything in the above rant, about how offended I was by the piss-poor execution of a worthy premise or the great actors, because regular viewers have given plenty of time to lousy shows with the exact same problems. I think it falls more under the mentioned aversion of the show toward the 18-34 demographic and the current failure of nearly every sitcom on network television. This show was put out of its misery very quickly, and I'm not sure if people even remember it airing in the first place.

Overall Series: 1 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #106 (5.6 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Tambor sort of considered the cancellation of "Arrested Development" a blessing in disguise, as it allowed him to accept this role that he originally had to turn down to due a prior engagement with one of the funniest shows of all time! Somebody was drunk, it seems.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : What Have We Learned So Far?

Indeed, in three bullet points, what have we learned?

• ABC does not like bizarre, non-laugh track comedies.
• Despite the presence of "Lost," ABC just can't handle high-concept serialized dramas.
  
• ABC likes hour-long dramedies aimed toward women.
  

Shows Marcus knows absolutely nothing about, that are also canceled:

• "According to Jim"
• "Extreme Makeover"
• "The George Lopez Show"
• "The Great American Vote"

The next TV-driven article, before tackling all of this again with NBC, will be looking toward the future for ABC. What looks good? What looks like shite? What won't last past six episodes?

Also, I will save discussing the last ABC-canceled show, "What About Brian?", for later, because that was a truly special show, near to my heart, and I need some time to process its demise.

Until then...

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 8

THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY

Synopsis: A gang of ragamuffin working class New Yorkers band together and decide to, what else, rob Mick Jagger.

What Worked: Of all the canceled sitcoms from the 2006-2007 season, this one stings the most. From David Letterman's Worldwide Pants production company, this was a truly off-the-wall, completely insane non-laugh track comedy (man, there are a lot of those in this series) that was so sure of itself it was intimidating to aspiring comedy writers (yo). No show this year made me laugh like an idiot more, while concurrently having me stare at it in utter disbelief, that the producers/writers thought that the HBO level of wit this show possessed was ever going to catch on at ABC. Pop culture references, Jew jokes, and a hot illegal immigrant Latina (the lovely Sofia Vergara) who mispronounced English words in ways that didn't even make sense all added up into this weird comic clusterfuck.

With the most various ensemble on a network sitcom, it included VH1 mainstay Donal Logue, comedian Maz Jobrani and the extremely talented and very ubiquitous (second time I've used that word this week!) Kevin Michael Richardson. Richardson specifically created Rockefeller Butts, probably the funniest character on television after Neil Patrick Harris' Barney on "How I Met Your Mother," by relying on very subtle and sardonic timing, along with the deepest voice this side of Barry White. He made the show his bitch. Seriously, all the episodes are on ABC.com. There's only a dozen, so it's worth your time.

The show garnered most of its laughs from the incredibly ill-advised ways they planned to invade said Rolling Stones lead singer's fortress of a New York apartment, which at one point involved Richardson taking on the persona of Reginald Van Hoogstraten to get a job as Jagger's bodyguard. If that name doesn't make you laugh, this might not have been the show for you.

"The Knights of Prosperity" also had the best theme song of the year. Seriously, go to ABC.com. The flash player for their episodes is the best of the Big Four. You owe it to yourself to at least check it out.

What Didn't Work: After about eight episodes, the writers seemed to run out of steam, and the Mick Jagger theft idea kind of fell apart. After a combination of a botched robbery, being stuck in Jagger's panic room and the presence of South American mob lord Bobby Cannavale, they decided to no longer rob him. They instead set their sights on Kelly Ripa, at least until Logue's character fell in love with her, and they decided instead to rob Ray Romano. And then the show ended. Huh?

Why Not Enough People Watched: Again, a bizarre premise, witty jokes and no laugh track equals no interest. I don't like to say that the American public is stupid when it comes to watching television, but for every great show that succeeds ("The Office," "Heroes"), dozens of original programs just don't get the attention they deserve.

Seriously, though, Worldwide Pants only had one hit on their hands. It just happened to last nine years, and involved some guy called Raymond. Their other major show, "Ed," was never a runaway success, and lasted four years more for its loyal but small audience instead of real network wish fulfillment.

Overall Series: 9 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #117 (5 million viewers)

Fun Fact: It's no secret, but the original title of the show was "Let's Rob Mick Jagger," which was shortened to "Let's Rob...," until the suits decided that both titles wasn't to their liking, and chose the interesting but forgettable current title.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 7

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Synopsis: Four depressed thirtysomethings who were all classmates in high school find their lives entwined and realize they fucked up somewhere along the way toward general happiness.

What Worked: Good Lord was this a bizarre show. I wasn't entirely sure I was going to be tuning in, despite the presence of likable actors such as Jonathan Silverman ("The Single Guy") and Greg Germann ("Ally McBeal"), until I saw that the pilot was directed by John Favreau ("Swingers"). Now, I know that this show would be a far cry from his recent Hollywood outings such as "Elf," "Zathura" (great movie if you have a chance) and the upcoming "Iron Man." Instead, it would harken closer to his disaster of a film "Very Bad Things." Now, that film is kind of terrible, but it's also completely haphazard and unforgettable, so it seemed he could have an eye for the small screen. (Yes, I know that Peter Berg directed "VBT" and Favreau only acted, but I'd like to think Favreau is involved by proxy.)

That's basically what it turned out to be, very haphazard, not at all likable, but still kind of hard to ignore. Only in this show would they have Kelly Hu play a former valedictorian who now jacks men off at Asian massage parlors to get ahead, and have it seem funny that self-help guru Germann tries to binge-eat himself to death after his wife makes off with all of his money.

I don't think the show was very funny, more amusingly depressing, but I tuned in week after week, fascinated by a sort of new direction for ABC sitcom--the pity comedy. By the time David Carradine made an appearance as a cult leader who brainwashes women, I knew I was in for something quite interesting.

I did, however, enjoy Silverman's constant need to burgle from his ex-wife whenever he visited. It didn't make a whole lot of sense, and the character himself was baffled at his own neurosis, but it had this kind of rhythm and nonchalance that really cracked me up.

What Didn't Work: It's all kind of been spelled out already. The show was very very very weird and very very very pathetic. They ran out of steam very quickly, and the subplot regarding the suicidal David Arquette ("Scream") and his crush on a soon-to-be-married doctor never worked, but it was still better than critics said.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Bad placement by a network that never gave it proper promotion, combined with, well, everything I've already said sent it to the sitcom graveyard very quickly.

Overall Series: 5.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #119 (4.8 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Uh...I just got a job for July.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 6

SIX DEGREES

Synopsis: The lives of six strangers in New York City come together through coincidences and interlocking story fragments.

What Worked: Yeah, sounds like a boring show, huh? Not necessarily. While this particular J.J. Abrams concoction didn't have superspies or nanobot black clouds, it had a few very good things going for it. Firstly, I have to commend Abrams for once again finding a perfect laid-back tone that was warm and inviting, an attitude he also brought to personal favorites "Felicity" and "What About Brian?" (more on the latter in a few days). He never shows all his cards and allows these shows to evolve naturally, changing direction at a moment's notice. This may sound like a haphazard way to guide a show, and in a way it is, but to me it keeps everything fresh and involved.

Second on that list is the A-level ensemble, which included Hope Davis ("American Splendor") as a grieving widow of a war correspondent, Campbell Scott ("Singles") as a divorced alcoholic photographer, and the likes of Jay Hernandez ("Hostel"), Erika Christensen ("Traffic"), Bridget Moynahan ("The Recruit") and Dorian Missick ("Lucky Number Slevin"). While the intersecting stories sometimes tried to hard to mimick "Crash" (not the awesome Cronenberg movie, but that lame Haggis one that just happened to win an Oscar for best picture), it never steered into melodrama, and credit has to be given to the cast for trusting in their instincts and playing it as true as possible.

This was a show about second chances, about having faith in those around you, about never saying "die." Unfortunately, ABC didn't follow any of the themes and dropped it after only showing six of the 14 episodes.

What Didn't Work: Well, not much really happened on the show. Everything was set up in the pilot, and the six characters quickly connecting in a fun little "Magnolia" way very quickly, but after that where is there to go? The show found more and more ways to create new combinations of these characters, but sometimes forgot to get into the souls of the people. It was mildly frustrating, but not even remotely bad.

Why Not Enough People Watched: It's all laid out pretty well above. Not enough happened quickly enough, and after about two episodes the audience just went away. Unable to capitalize on the post-"Grey's Anatomy" spot, it withered away into nothingness, based on its quality that some would consider lackadaisical.

In a lot of ways, ABC was smart in canceling this. Save for HBO shows, one of the "CSI" craptaculars, "Rescue Me" and the one "Law & Order" version that's not struggling for ratings (that would be the one about pedophiles and rapists going head-to-head with that scary fucker from "Oz" and the daughter of Jayne Mansfield), it is a very bad idea to film in New York. It is always too expensive, it always yields shows Middle America doesn't care about, and it always gets canceled. First chance they got, the suits let this go.

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #68 (8.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: This was San Francisco Chronicle TV writer Tim Goodman's favorite pilot of the season. Also, it was designed originally for WB, where I think it may have lasted a full season, but nothing more.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 5

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Synopsis: The ubiquitous William Shatner hosted this trivia game show, in which people would gain or lose money based on both the correctness of their answer (duh), and what money amount is inside these futuristic-looking scrolls held by who was obviously Shatner's harem.

What Worked: Quite a bit. As far as modern game shows go ("1 vs. 100," "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire," "Deal or No Deal") this was above and beyond my favorite one. My idea of a great game show is "Win Ben Stein's Money," one that really relied on your knowledge and common sense, and not this bullshit picking random cases which takes no thought at all. (Not that I don't catch "DOND" every once in a while and enjoy it, but it's not my cup of tea.) While the game could be considered a little complicated, it boiled down to knowing your trivia and moving along naturally in the game. There was none of this new-TV bullshit where if you get one question wrong, you're out. I honestly can't stand that. Like "Jeopardy," but without those pesky other contestants, you lost money with incorrect answers but still had a chance to bounce back.

The questions on this show, also, spread themselves out into all fields, going from pop culture to politics very easily, as opposed to completely random and unimportant facts that nobody has a right to know ("Millionaire" was the worst at this). This is finally a show I felt like I could be on and not suck out loud.

Shatner himself made the show as enjoyable as it was. Here was this absolutely insane man having the time of his life, randomly dancing for no reason and sometimes all-out mocking the contestant without seeming like a total jackass. His energy wasn't smarmy (Howie Mandel) or seemingly bored (Bob Saget), but more someone who (and this is Shatner to a T) seemed to be struggling onto their last bout at pop culture legend status. It was fascinating.

Also, the women who held the scrolls containing the amount of money you were to win/lose upon the answering of the question were of special importance. Now, in such shows as "DOND," the "ladies" of the show seem to be struggling actresses/models who are using this opportunity to eke by along the prime-time television casting pool one step at a time. On "Show Me the Money," however, the women were clearly strippers to whom Shatner owed a lot of money. How else to explain the poledances that preceded every single commercial break?

What Didn't Work: The "Killer Card" was the only thing I truly hated about this show. After answering a question and picking one of the scroll-wielding strippers, there was a 1-in-20 chance (or however many strippers were out there) that they held the "Killer Card," which would automatically end your game unless you answered the next question correctly. This was just a way for the show to seem more like their cruel brethren, and it didn't fit the optimistic nature of the show.

Why Not Enough People Watched: The show's rules couldn't be explained in one easy sentence, which is always a struggle for any new game show. Try the Wikipedia article for a better explanation than I could muster up. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show_Me_the_Money_(US_game_show)).

Ironically, though, it was the show's simplicity that did it in. There was no goofy new idea, like the statistics of "DOND" or that sweet wall of 100 in "1 vs. 100," or the fun little celebrities on "Identity." It was just a good old fashioned trivia show with some bells and whistles.

It had no chance.

Overall Series: 8 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #79 (7.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Reruns and the few unaired episodes will air on the Game Show Network (GSN) very very soon. Catch them if you can.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 4

THE NINE

Synopsis: A bank robbery goes haywire over two terrifying days, affecting the lives of nine of those involved.

What Worked: Very, very little. This is the first show on this list to get the Media Whore Stamp of Astronomical Disapproval (the SAD to you), and one of the few shows from the 2006-2007 I outright despised. It had a good premise, I'll give you that. Looking back on a botched robbery to see what went wrong, who double-crossed whom and the buried secrets exposed sounded like a sweet idea. There was quite a cast involved, including Chi McBride ("Boston Public"), Tim Daly ("Wings") and Kim Raver (Audrey Raines on "24"). Serialized dramas were making a comeback, at least in the pilot stage, and this went along with the networks' bold new strategy that treated the audience with some respect.

What Didn't Work: Oh man. The show decided to go a different route than the natural idea (at least, naturally to me. Instead of pulling a "24" and dealing with the crime in a near-real time basis (22 episodes, each representing about two hours, would have made for a nail-biting show), the program decided to focus on what happened AFTER the robbery, and how people were coping with the shock, the publicity and the already-mentioned revelations. Boo-fucking-hoo. We were treated each episode to victims asking what it all meant, why they had to be there, and what they learned from being held at gunpoint. It's TV. Show it, don't say it.

As far as the well-chosen ensemble went, the only character I had any sympathy for was the schlubby office clerk Egan (character actor John Billingsley) who took the hero status from the robbery and decided to change his life for the better. Instead of wining, he tried to take the show in a new direction, one where nobody else seemed interested in venturing.

I did appreciate doctor Scott Wolf's ("Everwood") final decision to kill off one of the criminals in his own hospital by poisoning him, but it was too little, too late.

Why Not Enough People Watched: People give shows like "Lost" and "Jericho" shit for not giving us enough answers in each episode, but "The Nine" was one that had no answers for us. Absolutely zero. If I get bored with a TV show, and I mean truly struggle hitting the Play button on my TiVo remote, you KNOW America has already done the same. It didn't even last 10 episodes.

Overall Series: 2 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #72 (8.1 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Camille Guaty, who played Franny Rios on the show, joined so after quitting her supporting character on "Prison Break" as Maricruz, Sucre's beloved finacee, being the second person to leave said "PB" character behind. They were to replace her with a third actress, but the cancellation of "The Nine" allowed her to return in 2007.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 3

HELP ME HELP YOU

Synopsis: Ted Danson plays a group therapist to a bunch of crazy whackos while dealing with his own difficult life, including an estranged wife (Jane Kaczmarek from "Malcolm in the Middle") who has just left him for Tom Wilson, a.k.a. Biff from "Back to the Future."

What Worked: This laugh track-free, improv-based comedy had a remarkably high quirk factor that ultimately led to its downfall. Surrounding himself with some of the best names in improvised comedy, this show worked its way into my better graces, despite some terrible sitcom-my subplots, by relying on the small idiosyncracies of the characters and not wacky madness at every turn. Each week we would learn more about Danson's core therapy group and why they are, in fact, all insane. The stand-out was the spunky Suzy Nakamura ("Curb Your Enthusiasm") who was an agoraphobe with little luck in love. The best episode focused on her home life, when upon meeting with her internet blind date and finding out it was a teenage boy (the son from "Sons & Daughters," to drop another improvised TV sitcom into the mix), she chooses to embrace him and his friends and bond over videogames and junk food.

The rest of the main group were interesting to watch, but what really made the show a haven for comedy nerds were the constant appearances by quasi-famous improv actors of whom you would have to have a working knowledge in order to realize why their mere appearance is enough to garner a few chuckles. This would include Jane Lynch and Judd Apatow (respectively a supporting character and the writer/director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"), Jonathan Katz ("Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist") and Toby Huss (while an accomplished comedian and voice-over artist in such shows as "Reno 911" and "King of the Hill," is probably best known to my readers as Stumpy on "Carnivale").

The show also gave me one of the biggest laughs of the year, when in the pilot Danson tries to get revenge on car salesman Tom Wilson by attempting to break his car windows with a golf club, only to find that the car's windows are too strong for his swing, resulting in him commenting something akin to "That's really a nice car."

What Didn't Work: I hate to say this, but Jane Kaczmarek. It's no secret that "Malcolm in the Middle" is one of my favorite comedies of all time, but she was completely wasted on this particular show. To go from Lois, uber-TV mother, to this shrill cipher was insulting to her talents.

Another member of the ensemble, Jere Burns ("Max Headroom"), was saddled with a completely terrible and unlikable character, a hot shot big wig with anger issues who would go so far as to fire an employee for beating his high score on a cell phone game. The character was a misstep, even during his scenes with a fellow group member with whom he was having an affair.

A couple times, the show lost some of its energy and a couple episodes seem like placeholders as a result. It bounced back, but I might have been the only one who noticed.

And, in retrospect, the show wasn't as funny as I thought it was when it was on.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Too quirky. Seriously. The general public like their Ted Danson in lame "Becker" reruns, not as a smart but complicated therapist, and to group him with a bunch of great improv actors just wasn't going to bring in the big numbers. It did gain a bit of ratings when put in the after-"Dancing-With-the-Stars" spot, but that never lasts more than a couple weeks in most instances. (Don't tell that to "Til Death," which only survived because it paired up with "AI" results a few times. Oh, and it was the only new Fox show of the 2006-2007 season that hadn't been canceled already.)

Overall Series: 7 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #65 (8.4 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Tom Wilson is now a semi-popular comedian, and his MySpace can be found here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=95021732

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 2

DAY BREAK

Synopsis: Taye Diggs ("Rent") plays as renowned Los Angeles cop who is framed for the death of an assistant district attorney. Catch is: he is reliving the same day over-and-over, "Groundhog Day" style, until he can uncover the conspiracy and figure out why he is being given this repeated chance to clear his name.

What Worked: Pretty damn near everything. This was a show for the ages, a taut, imaginative thriller with a supernatural twist that greatly rewarded attentive viewers with small details that grew into a whole lot of fun. Never taking itself too seriously, this loopy premise worked wonders by keeping it set strictly in a real world (no "Quantum Leap" madness) that didn't give the Diggs character, or the audience, any chance to breath. It was a fast-paced, violent, intelligent and entertaining mindfuck of the highest order, helped along by the fact that it was designed to begin and end its entire story within a 13-episode miniseries.

The show dealt with the constant struggle to not only prove his innocence, but also save the lives of many of those around him, including girlfriend Moon Bloodgood ("Pathfinder"), his ex-partner Adam Baldwin ("Firefly"), his sister's family and his informant. There were multiple plot strands threatening to collapse at any moment, but the show was savvy enough to juggle them effortlessly.

Not only was it a blast to see Diggs have to continually learn new tricks in order to survive and take information he gathered the day before and use them to his advantage the next day, but also deal with the bizarre fact that, unlike in Bill Murray's situation, injuries he garnered one day would continue onto the next, therefore making death in any day an endgame.

What Didn't Work: Absolutely nothing, save for the fact that this 13-episode miniseries, designed to cover up the "Lost" hiatus on ABC, was canceled after the sixth episode, making this a major blue balls network decision. Why it couldn't play out is beyond me. The remaining episodes are available on ABC.com, but I'll wait for the DVD set to devour with my mother.

Why Not Enough People Watched: We come back to the whole "serialized series are risky" explanation, especially when it comes to a midseason replacement. At this point, viewers were already juggling "Heroes," "Lost" and even recent casualty "Jericho," so a new series, one with such a batshit crazy premise, was lost on the casual viewer. It was too smart and too sly for its own good.

Taye Diggs has also not proven to be a draw, either on the big or small screen. His last show, "Kevin Hill," didn't make it past its first season, and it's hard to carry a show when nobody really cares. He is a charismatic actor and I wish the best for him, but network TV may not be the answer. Try HBO.

Overall Series: 9.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #85 (6.6 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Adam Baldwin is another show killer, having been in the cult classic series flop "Firefly" (which, of course, spun-off to the mini-flop of a film "Serenity") as well as the summer burnoff show from 2005 "The Inside." "The Visitor" and "The Cape," both from the mid-to-late 90s, also lasted only one season, and the fact that I hadn't heard of either is definitely a bad sign.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 1

I think I'm at about the safest distance possible from last week's network television's upfronts, where ABC/NBC/FOX/CBS announce their new schedules. More importantly, however, they are there to destroy the stories that have made up my prime-time life since last September. It happens every year, and it doesn't sting any less. Sure, there's a crop of lousy shows that bit the dust, but as we all know creativity is hard to come by in Hollywood, and the combination of Neilsen ratings and the big-wigs don't make it any easier to say goodbye to some special programs.

I say safest distance because it's enough days after the bad news to not feel extreme anger and resentment toward each and every network for their misdeeds, but not too far away that I feel it's not worth even bothering talking about said shows.

I'll hopefully dedicate one blog a day and briefly dissect a show that is leaving the airwaves, why it worked, why it didn't, why it failed to return and an overall rating for its season.

I'll start with ABC, using Zap2It.com's trusty list.

BIG DAY

Synopsis: Sort of like "24" except a half-hour comedy about the one day surrounding a wedding where absolutely nothing goes right.

What Worked: What could have been gimmicky and cliched ended up being...kind of gimmicky and cliched. But it also had this infectious attitude that was optimistic even in the face of extreme pathetic mayhem. The main couple, Josh Cooke ("Four Kings") and my middle-school TV crush Marla Sokoloff ("The Practice") had a wonderful give-and-take that had a sort of realism in a way that, say, they survived off their inside jokes and mutual respect, despite their wildly different backgrounds.

The ensemble really helped with that overall groovy feeling of the show, from the rich and bickering bride's parents played by Wendie Malick ("Just Shoot Me") and Kurt Fuller ("Wayne's World") to new-age guru father of the groom Stephen Tobolowsky ("Groundhog Day"). Each found a way to overact without going into self-parody, giving the show (along with the mostly house-based setting) a very welcoming theatrical quality.

The standout, however, was the gorgeous maid-of-honor Miriam Shor (Yitzhak in "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"), who proved herself a very talented comedienne who kept her wits about her and acted as a sort of vantage point for the viewer, aghast at the shenanigans thrown around the show. Her rapport with best man and relative newcomer Stephen Rannazzisi was fresh and free from sitcom crap, and their eventual marriage to each other (based on a very extreme game of "dare") seemed a better story arc than the central marriage. I can't wait to see her again in next season's "Swingtown."

What Didn't Work: Yeah, it's those aforementioned shenanigans that ultimately wore down the viewer. It's understandable that in this type of absurd comedy, you need to stack the decks against the character, but sometimes it was just too much. When the main characters began a turf war with a neighboring wedding, the show turned into "Meatballs Part II," and that is not a good thing. The high-strung wedding planner Stephnie Weir ("Mad TV") kept everything amusing for as long as she could, and I'd be glad to watch her in another series, but the lengths Malick's character went to humiliate and dominate Weir ended up a shriek-filled mess.

The two main characters, in the second-to-last episode, decide to hell with the wedding and run off to God knows where, but end up having a change of heart and returning to the ceremony, only to have it rudely interrupted by a hysterical estranged friend of the family. That was the last episode. No actual vows were exchanged, and that bothered me to no end. In the 2006-2007 season, there were plenty of shows that allowed themselves to have a good one-season arc in case they were cancelled (as they were with "Kidnapped," "Vanished" and "Day Break," as well as returning shows "Heroes" and "Friday Night Lights") but this one screamed second season when it didn't have the right. I wouldn't have watched a second season of this anyway, despite my fondness for it. The wedding works on its own. Learn from British TV, and try for short runs.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Please. A serialized comedy about a wedding? Tough sell. They tried to pull off an original trick, but audiences aren't always savvy enough to catch something like this. Poor advertisement on ABC's watch didn't help, as the ads pretty much included all the shrieking and none of the heart the show had, along with a very telling title card that had a wedding cake blowing up.

This also continues the reign of Josh Cooke, who now joins the infamous pantheon of show killers. All three of his most recent shows on which he was a major character never made it past 12 episodes, those being "Committed" and "Four Kings," and now this. (He also appeared as a rabbi on the series finale of "King of Queens," and while that show was always ended its nine-year run that night, I'd like to think he had something to do with it.) Come, join recent additions Eric Balfour and Chyler Leigh in this corner of the TV Hall of Shame (although if Leigh's recent presence on "Grey's Anatomy" as Meredith's half-sister bodes ill for the show, she has more destructive power than the Death Star).

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #116 (5.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Sokoloff once spoke out slightly against the chance of a second year of this show, as it would probably take place during their honeymoon and she didn't want to wear a swimsuit the entire season.