Random Thoughts on Reality TV--Rockstar: Supernova

I didn't watch more than an episode of 2005's Rockstar: INXS, so I can't say for certain whether J.D. fit the profile of that band you vaguely remember from the 80's, more because you either thought their name was spelled "In Excess" or pronounced "inks." And I do know that both years of the show have garnered mediocre ratings (I hear Supernova fluctuates quietly around #40 on the Neilsen chart) so I don't expect people to really know what it is I rant about.







But I do know for a fact that Tommy Lee is the dirtiest motherfucker on television right now.

The new supergroup rock band Supernova consists of Gilby Clarke (formerly of Guns 'N Roses) on guitar, Jason Newsted from Metallica on bass and our very own Mr. 9-inch penis on drums, and they chill in the back of the oddly vampire lair-themed mockup of downtown L.A.'s Club Mayan (where I was once an extra in a music video) spouting very short, clipped, oft-unintelligible yays and nays about the eclectic group of young rock singers that sing/yell before them.

The group has its share of truly talented individuals who each have a unique gift they can bring to the show. However, I do not believe that any kind of Metallica/Motley Crue/GnR band would ever, EVER, have a female lead for the band. Just like the unbalanced battle of the sexes that apparently took place last season, this season is no different. The songs Supernova has given the group, while still retaining a good bit of hair metal, is a kind of rock that most companies wouldn't have the balls to give to a female.

This bodes poorly for Storm Large--yes, that's her real name--who is without question the frontrunner of the pack at this moment. This 6-foot rock goddess from Portland has shown her chops time and time again, absolutely killing songs left and right. (Killing in the good way.) Her version of Dramarama's "Anything, Anything" made me feel for the song more than I ever cared to in the past, as her described "singing like she was possessed by rock" reminds me of Hedwig a lot of the time. Last week her theatrics were toned down to make way for her soaring and bluesy rendition of David Bowie's "Changes," which did its job: it made me want to go out and buy the Bowie album, and by "buy," I mean "download."

It doesn't hurt, either, that she is absolutely gorgeous, both in a very natural sense and that gritty downtrodden rocker chic that I know this generation still can't get enough of. (It may seem more like a Gen-X preference, but that I believe is one of the lasting characterstics that made it over to our generation. If you haven't noticed, most girls my age, when asked who they are attracted to, will almost always say "a skinny emo boy with a lip ring" or some crap like that.)

I also appreciate a gnarly stage dive. She's the only one whose had the guts so far on the show.

Really, she should just get a mega-contract to go out with the band she's already had, The Balls, and they can be Storm the Balls! Avast! Storm the Balls!







But back to my point. I also somewhat object to a female front for the band, and not for any misogynist reason. The problem is, you just know that if Storm were made lead of Supernova, their tours would be literal orgies of Gilby/Jason/Storm/Tommy stature. Their lovemaking would actually make physical bubbles that would look like the sex frenzy at the end of the Futurama episode "Why Must I Be A Crustacean in Love." The spawn resulting from the orgy would be Satan, and the world would explode.

Which brings me back, in a sense, to Tommy Lee. He is the most inappropriate reality TV host of all time, and this includes the obscenity-ridden Gordon Ramsey from "Hell's Kitchen," who likes to call female chefs "cows." Mr. Lee has got sex on the mind, booty all the time. Mr. Long Dick Dong has turned much of the competition into a series of quick flirtations with the female contestants, and even the male. (His response to Ryan Star's lowdown piano version of "Losing My Religion," which is the best performance of the season, was "that performance is so gonna get you laid." By whom, Tommy? All the people watching at home who would like nothing better than to fuck a D-list celebrity on a low-rated reality show? I think Tommy has some homoeroticism he needs to tend to.)

Let's examine his reactions to Zayra, the worst singer on the show. This Puerto Rican nuthouse thinks putting on satin wings and missing every single note to Tommy Tutone's "867-5309" is perfectly acceptable as long as she looks good and puts on a show. This miserable mess is a beautiful, if tres peculiar, woman of model proportions, but this is still in fact a rock competition. Not necessarily a singing competition, because rock singing is a hell of a lot different from regular singing. (I don't want another fight about this topic, though, so I'll shut up about it.) Zayra has been put in the bottom three so often that it would seem like a good heads-up to Supernova to get that tramp out of the way, but as usual, Tommy's thinking with his dong. Last week, he offered to wrestle her in some mud after her performance, as if the hundreds of audience members and the few million of us at home just don't seem to notice how grotesque this man is.

(Sidenote: I know that it was publicized that Tommy Lee gave Pamela Anderson Hepatitus B, which, as is understandable, made her very dang mad. But now that she and Kid Rock have gotten married after a see-saw of broken engagements, I have to wonder if she's passed along ol' Hep B to her new spouse. You just know they don't use rubbers. But then you have to think that Kid Rock has obviously already obtained some pretty vicious bawitdabadabangadangdiggydiggydiggysaidtheboogiesaidupjumptheboogie VDs, so I guess I shouldn't worry.)

Just so you can get an understanding of how batshit catshit crazy Zayra is, because I think you really must know--here's a photo. I'll give you a minute. Let me know when you're back.







Okay, but how about the rest of the competition. The aforementioned Ryan Star--who is one extra "R" away from being a first season American Idol finalist whose original name was Tiffany Montgomery (why the fuck do I know this?)--gave an intensity that the show hadn't seen before, and proved that yelling effectively to notes doesn't have to be on key to work. (See, there's that theory again about rock singing vs. regular singing. That's a good example. Too bad you have to fucking download the performances from ITunes, and I'll be damned if I'm paying $0.99 for something on CBS.)







Canadian punk rocker Lukas Rossi has a marvelous Billy Idol growl to him, but as TVgasm has pointed out, he's a fucking hobbit who performs what seems to be an Oompa Loompa/Don Corleone mashup. He was the frontrunner for a while, and I dig his style, but something horrible happens on every reality show competition, and he'll probably be leaving soon. But if you've ever wondered what "Bittersweet Symphony" sounded like as a hardcore punk song, he's your guy.







Jill Goie, who looks like but isn't the oldest person on the show, can fucking rock wail in a way that makes me think of Four Non-Blondes ("and I said heeeeeeyayayaya, what's going on?!"), but she's been shafted time and time again for prettier girls. Just comprehend the scolding she got from Gilby Clarke after she kept on grinding him on the stage. Grinding on your guitarist during a rock song? For shame!

The most recent fatality on the show was doled out by "hatchetman" Tommy Lee to poor little Dana Andrews. It took me a few weeks to get it out of my head that she was, in fact, not the actor from the 1960s who was in shit like "Night of the Demon," which just happens to be a lyric in "Rocky Horror Picture Show" ("Dana Andrews said prunes/gave him the runes/and passing them used lots of skill"). Once I got over that, though, I noticed that this little Georgia peach was absolutely in the wrong competition. She has a very pop sensibility, and as contestants and judges tried to get her to grunge things up, she just seemed like she was playing a part.







She finally did the rock gods proud with her version of The Who's "Baba O'Riley" (while I am a mildly enthuasiastic fan of The Who, I still have no fucking idea why the song is called that) that seemed perfectly fine to me, but struck the judges as a play for votes. They said the song was about teenage rebellion, and she just couldn't represent that.

What should have happened is that instead of merely trying to up her stage antics (which always seemed forced) and getting a tattoo of a treble clef (how shocking!) is that CBS should have given fellow contestant Dilana (a South African growling queen) carte blanche to just turn Dana into this vicious little gutter punk. Just throw a couple tattoo sleeves on that little body and make her pierce herself where it hurts, cut bits of hair out in random order, and smear lipstick where it doesn't belong. It would have been splendid. Here's Dilana, if you were wondering.







In the end, the show matters very little. It got a roasting on Best Week Ever for its non-pedigree ways and well as the questionable intelligence of much of the "cast." It is, however, a good trade-off from America's Got Talent, which I stopped watching on Wednesday night once it became a voting competition, despite my man-crush for the Hoff.

And Tommy Lee is a filthy petrie dish of terror.