Look How I Overestimated a Movie! In Real Time!

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com, hence the delayed wrongness)

Two summers ago, one special movie took the country by storm, bringing delight to small children across the United States and ending up with at $150 million+ gross at the box office.

Unfortunately, that film was Fantastic Four, a film eviscerated by critics and comic book fans alike, decrying it for its juvenile wit and lackluster special effects. Those who were amazed by the great stories told in such Marvel Comics properties as the sequels to Spider-Man and X-Men, as well as the vastly misunderstood Ang Lee version of The Hulk, were left with a silly and incredibly dumb adventure film not suitable for anyone above the age of 12.

I don’t consider the film to be as awful as everybody else: I thought Michael Chiklis (from FX’s The Shield) gave a pretty riveting performance as The Thing considering being buried in about a foot of make-up, and as far as origin stories go, I’ve seen far worse. I didn’t think it merited all the money it raked in, though, so I was mildly dreading the sequel.

All things considered, the sequel Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer will come out this Friday and overtake its competition at the weekend box office quite easily, and taking into account how well superhero sequels do, it could probably bring in $80 million easily, surpassing the $56 million opening weekend of the original. Little elementary school boys will buy up the Mr. Fantastic action figures from Toys ‘R’ Us and make their own Stan Lee stories, as they have every right to do.

But will the film be any good? The previews give an impression to those who were not fans of the original that the creators were, in fact, listening to the comic book nerds, and the portrayal given of fan-favorite the Silver Surfer is a marvel of character design that could sustain a good amount of interest for at least half of the running time. Another complaint of the first film was that nothing much happened, which is also true. However, this film is about nothing less than the destruction of Earth itself, brought forth by Galactus and perhaps the Surfer himself. That may even bring in those who hated the first film.

This weekend, we’ll know collectively whether or not we’ve been duped a second time. The poor pedigree of the first film keeps my anticipation of the sequel quite low, but something tells me I’ll be in the theatre, once again, chanting the movie geek mantra, “Please don’t suck. Please don’t suck. Please don’t suck.”

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 11

IDENTITY

Synopsis: Coolest motherfucking magician on the face of the planet Penn Jillette--whose daughter's name is Moxie Crimefighter (best name in the world)--hosts this game show where he literally puts 12 people on pedestals and asks contestants to correctly identify their identity for cash prizes.

What Worked: This was kind of a gnarly show. Let's put aside the fact that I know a production assistant who worked on the show (and was subsequently promoted, though I don't know to what position), but this was a good game show that at least took a little bit more skill than simple fifth grade statistics and picking random briefcases. You had to understand people, what made them who they were, and finding little miniscule details about their person that lent you the answer to their true identity. The identity is "shark-bite victim?" Look for how their clothes are placed. "Elementary school teacher"? Look at their eyes, for that's where the stress of teaching third grade resides.

It was also amusing to an ungodly amount where you as a pop culture aficionado (or maybe it's just me and my close friends) absolutely know the identity of a certain person, and the contestant does not. This includes Stan Lee, "Top Model" Caridee English, the Moviefone guy, etc. When former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight lasted the entirety of his episode without being identified (I believe the contestant lost before they got a chance), I was 95% certain he would have gone home that night and killed himself in depression, but alas this was not the case.

There's also the #1 reason why I liked this show: Penn Jillette. I don't think enough people know it, but I have a strong obsession with magicians. I absolutely love every single one of them that has the competence and confidence (whee, rhyming) to do their shit with absolute finesse. It's only natural: film is basically an illusion at 24 frames per second--look at me ripping off Godard and Neil Burger in the same fucking sentence--so why should I neglect magic itself? Jillette is my favorite of these, along with his mute pal Teller, for treating their trade as both art and entertainment, as well as a teaching device. They are the ones who tend to explain their tricks, which is oddly not frustrating at all. I'd rather them tell me how they made a fucking submarine disappear from underwater in the Bahamas (they used a helicopter) than David Copperfield hide the fact that he made the Statue of Liberty disappear by covering it up with FOG MACHINES! And this isn't even mentioning the stellar Showtime series "Penn & Teller's Bullshit" where the two act as probably the most logical investigative reporters in television history.

Yes, I'm a goddamn media whore. Jillette's presence on this show makes everything 800X better. Sue me. I'm going to really miss this guilty pleasure.

What Didn't Work: Stevi would like me to mention that she refers to this show, which she did still very much enjoy, as "Shit I Did Last Week." She (and me to a much lesser extent) felt that the title "Identity" was sometimes a misnomer, as something that happened in a person's life (that person being one of the 12 on a pedestal) did not necessarily indicate their true identity. The "shark-bite victim" previously mentioned is an example, as are people who have their IQs/SAT scores listed as their identity, or people who had heart transplants in the past, et cetera et cetera. This was mildly annoying, but not as much as...

...my gameshow hatred of a contestant automatically losing because of one wrong answer. Now, in the first half of the game, the contestant was allowed one wrong answer, which was pretty sweet. They were also allowed to narrow down their choices (like on "Millionaire" where the four choices were whittled down to two, even though that would 90% of the time be the two answers the contestant was ALREADY CONSIDERING) and ask a "panel of experts" (body language expert, FBI dude and psychologist), but this still bothered me. I know the design of the show is to get people to use their damn smarts to identify the 12 people, and I saw at least three contestants win the big prize (half a million, I believe), but I will automatically be opposed to a show where one wrong answer equals termination.

Overall Series: 7.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #90 (6.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: David Blaine is an asshole. And not a magician. Fuck him. And thus concludes the first of this series I wrote drunk. I think it's noticeable.