Media Whore

"The Big Chill" To Be Remade, And Here's Why That's Okay

2007-07-02T10:22:00.001-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com)

I’ve had a few days to get used to the idea, let it roll around inside my brain to weigh the positives against the negatives. Word is out that Regina King (The Boondocks, Ray) will produce and star in an entirely African-American version of Lawrence Kasdan’s 1980s nostalgia-fest The Big Chill. Online bloggers and talkbackers are tripping over themselves to say how and why this is a terrible idea, pointing to the recent onslaught of bad remakes in recent years. I, however, am taking the opposite perspective: I think it’s a great idea.

Let’s put aside, for a moment, the notion that remakes are automatically terrible movies. Whether they be inspired by old movies or TV shows, I happen to think that there’s an equal number of great remakes and bad remakes. Let us not forget that only four months ago a remake of a Hong Kong cop thriller took home the Best Picture Oscar. Start from there and work your way down the list, and you’ll find gems such as SNL sketch-based Wayne’s World and Stuart Saves His Family, as well as Jonathan Demme’s marvelously creepy The Manchurian Candidate, which I consider to be even slightly better than the Frankenheimer original from the 1960s (less Cold War shenanigans, more topical themes).

Now, The Big Chill. Released in 1983, this was Kasdan’s follow-up to his schorching debut, the William Hurt-Kathleen Turner thriller Body Heat, and was a passion project from one of the more popular screenwriters at the time (those being the tiny films Raiders of the Lost Ark and The Empire Strikes Back). Based around a meeting of former college friends at the funeral of one of their closest acquaintances, it examined the lost dreams of the Baby Boom generation and how to put those pieces back together. A very talky affair, the film is not for everyone, but much like his 1991 race drama Grand Canyon it holds up wonderfully well to similarly themed films (2005 Oscar-winner Crash owes a lot to Canyon yet doesn’t even remotely come close to its glory). The Big Chill is one of my favorite movies, and the performances from Kevin Kline, Jeff Goldblum, Glenn Close, Meg Tilly et al are still probably the best of their careers.

To bring it around again into today’s social atmosphere, amidst political turmoil and a country at odds with itself, is a better idea than people thing. The news sources has said that the Kasdan script would only be a jumping-off point for a new screenplay, which would include a title change as well. It could really be an introspective, intimate slice-of-life amidst a sea of braindead blockbusters and dumb gross-out comedies, just like the original was.

I find it problematic, though, that I’ve noticed a trend about online film nerd readers and talkbackers--they simply just don’t like African-American movies. This is putting aside that there’s an equal percentage of good films in any ethnic group, no matter what the color of the characters’ skins. Recently, I just watched the lovely romance Something New with Sanaa Lathan, which went along with the race-changing remake Guess Who in treating interracial dating with respect and maturity.

I look at the IMDb.com star rating of the film adaptation of The Honeymooners show, this time starring Cedric the Entertainer, Mike Epps, Gabrielle Union and Regina Hall, and see that it is rated as the 40th worst movie of all time. I thought the movie was very sweet and likable without going into the histrionics that made the original show innovative but ultimately sometimes obnoxious, but that’s beside the point. I can name hundreds of other comedies that were worse than The Honeymooners from a critical perspective but still apparently liked more by viewers (White Chicks has a 4.9/10 in comparison to this movie’s 2.2/10). I cannot help but point to much of the country’s continue bigotry about what they don’t understand. It’s not racism entirely, but it shows a lack of understanding for other cultures. Why should this movie be rated lower simply because of the race of its actors?

I think people have a right to respond to the remake as a bad idea, but most of the comments come from the topic of the ethnic switcheroo, and I don’t like this. To remake The Big Chill isn’t the problem, and the ethnicity change isn’t one either. As long as it’s good, nobody should care. Look on the bright side.

Name That Foreign Game Show: Human Tetris Edition

2007-07-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbyshows.com)

I am not necessarily a game show connoisseur, but I will still catch myself watching all too much of GSN (Game Show Network) and random cable channels in order to find some of the more bizarre antics the world at large can cook up. Over the weekend, TV Squad posted a video of this Japanese game show, which is basically like a very big game of Tetris, except it’s only one block every few minutes and your entire body is on the line. As each contestant tries to fit into each designed hole, the show gets more and more ridiculous, and a big part of me thinks that it could make a great addition to Spike TV.

Hell, I’m still waiting for American Gladiators to come back, all updated for the Ultimate Fighting Championship-watching teenagers of today.

The game show is not mentioned in the clip--well, it might be, but I don’t speak Japanese--but this is not a problem. I would rather it not be named. Why? So I can start a column about finding said foreign game shows and giving my own suggestions, as well as a few from my fiancee. You are welcome to, as well.

(Side note: The following exercise is not meant to mock any language or country and is not intended to be insensitive. I have no desire to poke fun at other cultures. I do, however, find language barriers endlessly fascinating and very amusing, and should be chalked up to the peculiar idioms made up by each of these cultures.)

Fiancee’s Title Suggestions:

Body Shaped Hole Fit
Fit Through Hole in Wall or Shame Your Family
Happy Contortionist Fun Show
We Love Foamcore

Marcus’s Title Suggestions:

Super Squeeze
Mountain Dew Tumble
Tetris for Winners!
Prison Break

Don't You Forget About Me, Batman!

2007-06-29T09:25:00.001-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com)

More comic book rumors abound. It's been brought to the attention of, well, pretty much every movie gossip site that Anthony Michael Hall may make a cameo in The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan's second part of the Batman relaunch, as the man who would become quizzical supervillain The Riddler. Whether you consider this good news or not, that's beside the point. What really matters is that there's more to this story, a further rumor nobody seems to be aware of.

Not only will Hall be the Riddler, the entire cast of 1985's John Hughes' high school brilliance The Breakfast Club are all set to make appearances in the new film as some of the baddies of Gotham City. Not having met as a single group since they were forced together to suffer through a weekend detention, it will be a reunion of epic proportions.

-Judd Nelson, who played bad-ass John Bender, will play Joe Chill, the man responsible for the death of Bruce Wayne's parents. The man who played him in Batman Begins could not return due to a nasty meth addiction.

-Molly Ringwald, the prissy Claire Standish, will follow in the footsteps of Uma Thurman, lay on the leaves, and play Poison Ivy. Great, easy casting.

-Ally Sheedy will play against type and be the new version of Mr. Freeze, far different than her anti-social Goth girl Allison Reynolds.

-Emilio Estevez, a.k.a. jock Andy Clark, will be the Penguin, but there's a twist to the character: Estevez himself has asked permission to follow-up his historical film Bobby with the underworld adventures of the recently murdered Robert F. Kennedy and has chosen Gotham City to act as said afterlife, so the Penguin has been altered to being an insane director whose plot has nothing to do with Batman or really anybody else in the cast. His producer, though, will be played by the ghost of Paul Gleason.

"Kid Nation" or "Child Island"?

2007-06-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

One of the more controversial new shows airing this fall is CBS’ reality show Kid Nation. This is a description of the program, one that a great deal of people find very exploitative and problematic. Me, I just think it could end up being really boring.

“The show, which recalls William Golding’s The Lord of the Flies, will feature 40 children, aged 8-15, living in a ghost town named “Bonanza Town” that had been uninhabited since the 19th century. The children will be required to create a functioning society in the town, as well as set up a government system used to solve problems in the town. The children will be attempting to prove that they can create a functioning society.

At the end of each episode an elected council of kids award the “Gold Star”, worth $20,000, to a fellow participant.

The show stresses the pressure of creating a viable society. The official CBS promo depicts children arguing with one another, crying, and falling over with exhaustion in challenges.”

Sounds kind of creepy, doesn’t it? Who could have possibly thought of such a premise?

Apparently, comedian Jamie Kennedy already did years ago. In this clip from the WB hidden camera prank show The Jamie Kennedy Experiment, he plays a Hollywood producer pitching an idea for a new reality show to a focus group made up of children and their worried parents, the show he refers to as “the final chapter in reality television,” known as Child Island. (The slogan--"Who will win? Child or island?") Showing them what he describes as a kids version of Survivor, he manages to expose what really goes into network television promotion and pretty much tell the future.

The clip has been barred from embedding, so below is the link to the video file.

YouTube: Jamie Kennedy's Child Island

Seems that the star of Malibu’s Most Wanted and Kickin It Old Skool has a little bit of Nostradamus in him. Who knows if other bits of his show, which was canceled in 2003, may also come true in the future?

I vote for the prank in which a restaurant worries its patrons with the upsetting news that there may be a rodent infestation in the walls. At the climax of the sketch, a six-foot rat breaks through the walls and chases the staff.

It could happen.

10 Great Dance Movies

2007-06-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com)

I have been quoted as saying, in previous writings, that “there is nothing more exciting, energetic and erotic than a great dance sequence. They get you pumped and feeling alive. They get you to move to the rhythm of life, which is indeed a powerful beat. And if done right, they get you the girl, figuratively speaking (or literally, depending on your circumstances and skills).”

In the spirit of tonight’s first competition week of FOX’s “So You Think You Can Dance,” I give you an assortment of 10 great films (in chronological order) either about dance or heavily featuring the art form.

Film: 42nd Street (1933)
Director: Lloyd Bacon

The mother of all backstage musicals was the first film since the introduction of sound in American films four years earlier to truly show how a movie musical could improve upon one in a live theatre. With dance sequences staged by the master choreographer Busby Berkeley, it paved the way for glorious, overdone and uncompromisingly optimistic rags-to-riches stories for years to come. Look for a pre-Astaire Ginger Rogers as a feisty chorus girl.

Film: Shall We Dance (1937)
Director: Mark Sandrich
The seventh and greatest teaming of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers doesn’t have the cultural impact of “Top Hat,” but it is certainly the freshest movie e’er they shared. He, a famous ballet dancer, falls in love with she, a chanteuse, and while their romance builds slowly, the gossip-hungry world of the socialites fabricate a rumor that the couple are secretly married. Watch not only for Astaire’s “Slap That Bass” number, where he glides around a trans-Atlantic ship’s engine room egged on by the largely African-American crew, but for the show-stopping roller skate number set to “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off.”

Film: An American in Paris (1951)
Director: Vincente Minnelli

While technically only a musical and mostly unconcerned with dance as a plot point, this Oscar winner for Best Picture nevertheless boasts a climactic 17-minute dance sequence with star Gene Kelly and the grand ensemble, retelling the entire story up to that point in a feverish, frenzied fashion. The sequence cost over half a million (a pretty penny in 1951) and took an entire month to film. While the “Broadway Melody” section of Kelly’s follow-up film “Singin’ in the Rain” is equally as dazzling, it has little to do with the story itself, hence this inclusion of this film over one more beloved.

Film: Invitation to the Dance (1957)
Director: Gene Kelly

This oft-forgotten masterpiece, about three unrelated stories told entirely through dance and pantomime, was shelved for five years after poor test screening. It’s a pity, because it holds one of the greatest dance sequences in American film history, in which Kelly plays a lovelorn French clown unable to attain his true love. The third part, wherein Kelly interacts with Hanna/Barbera cartoons in a retelling of “Sinbad the Sailor,” is way too silly for its own good, but if you can be like me and find this rare gem on VHS (it is unavailable on DVD) grab a hold of it immediately.

Film: Fame (1980)
Director: Alan Parker

I am unfamiliar with the revered television show, but this Alan Parker film (one of the great modern musical directors who deserves a place among the pantheon of the likes of Stanley Donen, Bob Fosse and Minnelli himself) is an explosion of youthful energy. At a New York high school for the performing arts, angst-ridden teenagers bounce off each other both emotionally and literally, hitting a fever pitch in the title track from Irene Cara. If only all high schools were this expressive.

Film: Xanadu (1980)
Director: Robert Greenwald

Say what you want, but I’m including it. Okay, fine, admittedly it’s a pretty terrible movie on the surface, but the infectious spirit of Olivia Newton-John as a muse sent to Earth in order to inspire Michael Beck to open a roller disco, you could do a lot worse.

Film: Footloose (1984)
Director: Herbert Ross

No list of this sort would be complete without this satire of Middle American values about a town that has banned dancing. Kevin Bacon breaks out and becomes a star in one rollicking central number, and movie trivia games were never the same.

Film: A Chorus Line (1985)
Director: Richard Attenborough

Though widely panned for not being even remotely as good as the seminal stage version (what can be?), this is still in my opinion a heartbreaking ode to the trials and tribulations of being merely part of a Broadway chorus. The film elected to take away the mid-show montage in favor of the terrible (and Oscar-nominated) song “Surprise, Surprise,” but the dancing is still spectacular and Mark’s monologue still hurts me deep within.

Film: Strictly Ballroom (1992)
Director: Baz Luhrmann

Before he was giving epileptic audience members seizures in the madcap musical “Moulin Rouge!”, Luhrmann told a small, sweet story about a competitive ballroom champion and the ugly duckling who loved him. Without too much of the hyperactive camerawork and editing style brought to his later films, he captured the true spirit and energy of perfect dancing I mentioned in the introduction. This is the film where mainstream audiences learned about how the Paso Doble is considered one of the hardest dances to master, information helpful to those who watch “So You Think You Can Dance” religiously.

Film: Center Stage (2000)
Director: Nicholas Hynter

The guiltiest pleasure of them all, I can tell you without embarrassment that my sister has watched this film at least 25 times. Following a year in the life of New York’s American Ballet Academy” through relationship troubles and professional complications, it’s one of the more accurate portrayals of how difficult the world of professional dance can be. (Robert Altman’s 2003 film “The Company” is, of course, far more accurate, but is needlessly solemn and wooden much of the time.) The final sequence, choreographed by Susan Stroman, is something to behold, as the world of ballet gets flipped on its head and brings in Michael Jackson and Jamiroquai songs.

"Entourage" Returns...Again

2007-06-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

(originally published on 6/15 at the now-defunct www.poweredbyshows.com)

It’s sunny out in the world of television, so that can only mean one thing: the return of HBO’s hit show Entourage. Loosely based on the early career of producer Mark Wahlberg, the beloved comedy follows the roller-coaster Hollywood trajectory of up-and-coming hot actor Vinnie Chase (Adrian Grenier) and his tight circle of friends, manager Eric (Kevin Connolly), driver Turtle (Jerry Ferrara) and washed-up C-list TV actor/brother Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon). This year, viewers were given a special treat as 2006’s third season had its regular 12 episodes extended by another eight which were shown over the last couple months, having its finale two weeks ago. Since this has always had been a mainstay program during the summer months, there is no need to wait for season four--it premieres this Sunday after the second episode of the new David Milch series “John From Cincinnati.”

In the words of Wayne’s World: “All right! Bonus!”

This serendipitous little bit of cable scheduling does wonders for the show. While nearly all HBO shows tend to keep their show’s runs an average of 12 episodes a season, Entourage always felt like it could extend its story and go really deep into the negative but very honest satire of Tinseltown. It might be because of its half-hour running time and comedic nature, but each season has always felt too short. HBO has always been a little strange with their comedies, but also know when to take a cable run and turn it into something a little more in tune with regular network programming. Most Sex & The City seasons ran 20 episodes straight, and earlier in the 90s the raunchy sex comedy Dream On would equal that amount, as well as even stretch toward 22 episodes during its final season.

Really, though, viewers just don’t want to be left waiting to go head-first into the focus of Entourage‘s return. After struggling to recover from his firing off of Aquaman 2 when he demanded too much money (and was subsequently replaced by Jake Gyllenhaal in a nod to the negotiations over Spider-Man 2) and losing a great role in a Ramones biopic, produced in the show by Martin Landau’s takeoff of producer Robert Evans (The Godfather) due to his agent Ari (Emmy winner Jeremy Piven) and his backstabbing ways, he struggled this season to both find new representation as well as take on passion project Medellin, a Paul Haggis written/directed biopic of drug lord Pablo Escobar. By the end of last season (you know, two weeks ago) Vinnie and Eric had decided to take a gamble and buy the script for several million dollars (thus having to sell their mansion) and produce it themselves. With financial backing from “Trust Fund Baby” Adam Goldberg and them tapping trigger-finger director Billy Walsh (Rhys Cioro) to helm the project, everything finally seems to be going according to plan. Even Drama buying a condo millions of dollars out of his price range compared to his comparatively minuscule salary for starring in what might be a hit show, nothing could go wrong.

Ah, but that’s what this upcoming season is about. For those not in the know, much of Medellin‘s financial squabbling, the stop-and-go nature of its development hell being bounced from studio to studio, is based on the real-life biopic of Che Guevara that never seems to be able to get made. Many directors have circled many different versions of the project, but the one to make it closest to actually happening was Steven Soderbergh’s version with the man he directed to an Oscar, Benicio Del Toro. Unfortunately, that’s been put on hold again. Since a year ago during my short stint as a bookstore employee in Los Angeles when I actually got to converse with Mr. Del Toro himself (who was strangely buying about 20 Rudyard Kipling books, despite the fact that no film based on the author’s work existed either then or now), and he said it was “taking a break,” there has still been no word.

As some of us saw in the previews, this development hell troubles will only be worse on the set, tipped off by the sly little joke at the end of “last season” when Walsh, finally accepting the job offer to direct, springs the news on the entourage that he’s considering filming the entire film in Spanish, sure to hurt the film’s glory at both the Oscars and at the box office.

What’s great about Entourage is that it really does get a lot of its jabs completely correct. I worked in Los Angeles in the film business in some capacity or another for a good five years, leaving due to financial struggles and an overall contempt for the city, and while some of the sexual escapades of the entourage can sometimes seem forced, nearly everything about everyone else in the business is spot-on. The show can also be seen to Hollywood “outsiders” as a sort of fantasy of life out there, but it’s really not the case. For every party attended and every million-dollar deal being signed, there is an underlying hatred for the business on this show, as if everyone in the industry is a shark just waiting for their meal. It’s a great draw for the show to hit both sides of the critical reception with such precision, and it’s very bold, very fun and very smart.

On a side now, I also feel especially happy about a small bit of foresight regarding cast member Rex Lee, who plays Ari’s loyal (and very flamboyant) assistant. On September 8, 2004, when I was still writing arts journalism, he was a recurring actor at the local small MET Theatre, having impressed me over a year earlier with a fun role in a play called “The Question.” This time, it was for the awful post-modern cowboy comedy “Western Big Sky.” While I took the play to task for being offensive, stupid and dull, I still wrote the following (ignore some weird verb conjugations and you’ll be fine):

“As unfunny and poorly-plotted as “Western Big Sky” is, one factor barely saves it, and that is the performance of Rex Lee as the intelligent and monotone-dialogued Native American Shemp. His brief and mysterious interjections of philosophy, pop culture and overall deadpan wit provides a momentary respite to those in the audience who prefer their humor a little less alcohol-induced. When his cathartic monologue peeks up from the wreckage of the script, it’s a welcome distraction from all the pointless violence and gay jokes.”

One review, of course, does not make a career, but I do like to think I had a little bit of say in Lee getting his delicious role as fan-favorite Lloyd on Entourage the following year. It’s good to find new talent in Hollywood.

The Truth About Michael Moore's "Sicko"

2007-06-25T11:14:00.000-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com)

Michael Moore is a publicity whore. Usually. When he won the Oscar for Bowling for Columbine, he took his time onstage to shame the president’s involvement in Iraq, exclaiming, “How dare you, Mr. Bush.” For his follow-up film Fahrenheit 9/11 in 2004, he tried desperately to arrange a screening of the film at the White House, to little avail. Point is, he got his name out there in as many ways as possible, and his films star pretty much him and only him, with the facts supporting characters. This is not meant to be a criticism of Mr. Moore, because that’s beside the point.

What is the point is that his newest film Sicko, an expose on the corruption and greed of the American health care industry, is a cry for the U.S. to be more like Canada, Denmark, Cuba. Yes, Cuba. Word has it is that Mr. Moore is rarely seen in this film, finally letting his subjects speak for themselves. It’s a work that even Fox News has described as important and mature.

But let’s look at that poster again. Notice the letters. The font. Now check this out.

Notice anything similar? Even down to the lowercase “i,” that is almost exactly the same font. Coincidence? Absolutely not.

Very little has really been said about the content of Sicko other than the general ideas. If anything, it was only really controversial before it was even made. When American HMOs got wind of the subject of the film, they sent out memos threatening termination to any employee who talked to him. More recently, Moore was put in some hot water when the government found he had transported people to Cuba for the film, and transport from the U.S. to Cuba is strictly forbidden. That’s pretty much all we know.

Here’s what they’re not telling you, and it lies in the devious little poster “coincidence.”

Michael Moore is actually a robot.

Let’s look as the Three Laws of Robotics, created by Isaac Asimov who wrote the original story of I, Robot.

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given to it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Now, in the Will Smith/Alex Proyas film version of I, Robot, a robot technician and philosopher is murdered and said death is investigated by Detective Spooner (Smith). He has a grudge against robots as a result of a terrible accident earlier in his life when an autobot saved the life of Spooner and not that of a young girl, assessing that Spooner had a higher percentage chance of living. Needless to say, he is out to prove that a robot killed the technician, but is met with opposition from the government, the robot company and the police force who direct his attention to the Three Laws. Of course a robot wouldn’t harm its master.

Ah, but there’s another Law Asimov created after the initial stories, known as the Zeroth Law.

“A robot may not harm humanity, or, by inaction, allow humanity to come to harm.”

By the end of the film, it turns out that robots were in fact the culprit of many deaths and throughout the film responsible for the multiple attacks on Spooner’s life. It is revealed that their murders actually do follow the Laws, most importantly the Zeroth Law. They have been attempting to control mankind by weeding out the bad people and enslaving the rest, protecting humanity from itself. Man’s worst enemy is man, and for the robots to follow their Laws, to disallow humanity to come to harm, they would be following their programming 100%.

Now back to Moore. He is a political documentarian in the biggest way. His movies are loud, brash and controversial, and yet are very important and should be seen by pretty much everybody. He angered many people with his films, especially the last two, but he did so with a reason. Everyone talked about him, with love, with hatred, but never indifference. People know he has something to say and listen.

With Sicko, though, he doesn’t need the publicity. He doesn’t need to be featured in every frame of the film. It’s not necessary. Instead, he has riled us up, much like how the robots enslaved the humans of future Chicago, until we’re ready to pay attention. Roger & Me, The Awful Truth, Bowling for Columbine, Fahrenheit 9/11, they were all just bait. Now he finally has something to say that everyone can get behind at this stage in American political and social thought: that our healthcare system needs reformation and needs it now. He has programmed us into watching a film that could very well help humanity as a whole (at least in the United States). He is following the 3 Laws of Robotics, and the Zeroth one as well, and is not allowing us to come to harm.

You see those skeletons surrounding Moore in the poster? They were the necessary casualties in order to get the movie made. Like the robot technician/philosopher. It’s exactly the same.

"Rescue Me" A Fourth Time

2007-06-25T11:08:00.001-07:00

(originally published on 6/13 at the now-defunct www.poweredbyshows.com)

Tonight, FX’s best show, one that along with The Shield has opened up new possibilities in non-premium cable television, returns for its fourth season. Rescue Me, created/written by and starring comedian Denis Leary, is one of the best shows on television, and its power is in how it rages against a post-9/11 world. In the cynical New York City inhabited by the firefighters that make up the cast, their lot in life has been thrust upon them--to bear the burden of their fallen comrades, and hope silently that they mean more than nothing. There is a sadness to this show in which Tommy Gavin (Leary) and his coworkers struggle though each day and its damning effect on their very souls, the bigoted, misogynist and racist anti-heroes at war with nobody but themselves. This is a New York of broken dreams, of failed marriages, of rampant alcoholism and family issues, and it’s not an easy show to watch.

The bright side of this (outside of seeing a stellar show and appreciating it) is the extremely bawdy humor of the program, one that makes it 10 times funnier than 90% of the sitcoms on television. In its own rough, ribald way, it’s the most laugh-out-loud show in a very long time. This works primarily because like the show’s themes, the humor comes from a very naturalistic place, one of ribbing your friends, of extreme sarcasm, of scathing nastiness. The show is not for everyone, that is true, and the TV-MA rating should not be taken lightly.

Rescue Me is a controversial show, most likely because of how certain viewers infer the show’s portrayal of women. Each hour of the series, we are given the female gender at their most cruel and uncaring, troubled and indecipherable, and even rather whorish. I feel this way sometimes while watching the show, but then I remind myself that the men are shown to be far worse beasts in the world of the show. Leary’s comedy (his 1992 Showtime special No Cure For Cancer especially) has always relied on self-deprecation and an unflinching look within, so why not bring that into the dramatic realm?

As of last season, Tommy has found that his estranged wife has been hooking up with his brother and may in fact be pregnant with his baby, but still demands rough sex from her husband which resulted in one of the most horrifying sequences of 2006. Tommy is, in karmic fashion for his cruel ways, drugged and raped by his deceased cousin’s widow (the victim happens to be one of many ghosts/hallucinations that haunt Tommy on a regular basis) without his remembering. By the end of the season, his cop brother is dead, he is still reeling over the vehicular manslaughter of his son at the end of season 2, and falling off of his Alcoholic’s Anonymous wagon, and he is forced into starting a new life with said widow. This is neglecting to mention any of the stories of his co-firefighters, who are going through issues of Alzheimer’s-ridden wives, stolen children, a money-grubbing liar of an escort and gay sons.

Oh, and Tommy finishes off the season drugged, once again by the widow, and left for dead in the burning waterfront house she bought for the both of them. How’s that for a cliffhanger?

Tonight it finally returns, the red-faced heavy-hitter of cable television. Don’t miss it.

Wait, They're Not Dead Yet?: JR Edition

2007-06-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

Jane Russell.
Turned 86 years old three days ago.
Her breasts changed America.
Not dead yet.

_____

Tune into this site for more celebrities who you think might be dead, but are in fact not.

One of the Worst Movies of the 90s Getting a Sequel?

2007-06-24T00:06:00.000-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com)

During a weekend in October of 1996, I had one of the worst theatrical experiences of my life. It was the beginning of the end for bigshot Hollywood director Renny Harlin, who had at this point helmed two of the better action movies in recent memory, those being Die Hard 2: Die Harder and Cliffhanger. He had just lost a great load of credibility the summer before with Cutthroat Island, starring his then-wife Geena Davis, but audiences at the time were more forgiving of random vanity projects. Then came The Long Kiss Goodnight, the sorriest excuse for an espionage thriller e’er to cross my eyes.

The film told the story of an amnesiac Geena Davis who slowly discovers, through the help of Samuel L. Jackson, that in her previous “life” she was a world-class assassin. Halfway through the film, her daughter is kidnapped, thus stopping the amnesia story in its tracks to focus on random violence and family issues. It was a disaster, especially odd considering it was written by the screenwriter auteur Shane Black (Lethal Weapon, The Last Boy Scout and the underrated Last Action Hero), who despite his action pedigree is one of the savviest writers in town.

(It’s not entirely fair to him, since he has openly complained about the edits and cuts made to his script that ended up with that final, awful draft, leading him to direct his own scripts from then on, resulting in the hilarious and complex noir Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.)

Now, it seems, Jackson is in talks to create a sequel with Harlin (who has been slumming with such duds as Driven, The Exorcist prequel and The Covenant), and I can’t think of anything worse. First, they are focusing on his character and dropping Davis altogether (Harlin’s divorce from her might have something to do with that), a cipher of an enigma of a bad character. He was the B-story, secondary to the already problematic main plot of the first film. Now he wants a spin-off for himself of a movie not many people liked or even saw?

I like Jackson. I really do. Even when his films stink, his jubilation about being a movie star is completely infectious, and he gives many new/upcoming directors chances to really shine by offering his talents for said projects. Snakes on a Plane was not a great movie by any means, but his presence turned it from a bad monster movie into something fun and cult-driven. He’s better than this film.

Then again, Harlin gave him one of the best death scenes of all time in Deep Blue Sea (the only good movie Harlin has made since Cliffhanger), so what do I know?

"On The Lot: Competition Week 3

2007-06-24T00:03:00.000-07:00

(originally published on 6/12 at the now-defunct www.poweredbyshows.com)

A lot of movie nerds have already turned on the Spielberg-Burnett collaboration On The Lot, a reality television competition for budding directors all vying for one big prize: $1,000,000 and a movie deal at Dreamworks. I, however, am sticking by it through all its format changes, its egotistical directors an its extremely lousy host. Many have complained of the wishy-washiness of the judges, including Carrie Fisher and Gary Marshall, but that ignores a solid principle of reality television: nobody really cares what the judges have to say. If anything, it’s just an amusing distraction while you remember the phone number of the contestant you already know you’re voting for.

Last night brought in the third week of competition, and the second week where one-third of the contestants get to show three-minute version of their submission films and get judged on their own merits and not the limits given by the show during the show’s first week (i.e. original one-minute comedies). It continued to separate the boys/girls from the men/women, and if the show got better ratings could account for some good water cooler talk (e.g. “They got rid of Trever? WTF?!").

Being the critic and film school graduate I am, I have every right to pick apart each of the five films from last night.

Contestant: Andrew Hunt
Film: Polished

Critique: The best film of the night, it had a tone to it that while attracting a bit of a primetime commercial feel (as pointed out by guest judge David Frankel) still contained a playful spirit lacking in some of the overthought and overwrought other films in the competition. The tale of an ignored office janitor who gets his revenge on those who took him for granted. Unlike other contestants, Andrew knows to bring a different sense of filmmaking to each genre he approaches, and instead of the wacky flourishes of, say, Marty Martin, he knows when to tone it down. He is quickly becoming one of my favorite directors on the show for his ability to adapt and tell great stories.

Contestant: David May
Film: Love At First Shot

Critique: I liked the film far more than the bewildered judges, having gotten the night’s biggest laugh from yours truly, but I will admit to it adding up to very little at the end. I didn’t appreciate David’s reliance on cliches (the poorly matched date between a nerd and a bombshell didn’t add anything new), but the other half of the story, where a clumsy Cupid tries to fire his arrow into the date, was quirky and Monty Python-esque in its absurdity. I know from the show (and from a friend, who knew David when they were both students at Chapman) that he intended to be an actor before pursuing directing, and his style lacks confidence and a lot of tact (the scene was overexposed to high holy heaven). Still, not bad.

Contestant: Shira-Lee Shalit
Film: Beeline

Critique: A very odd film helped along by a perfect sense of style, capturing the Woody Allen atmosphere of Manhattan. An urbanite mother, worried that her young son will get the wrong impression from her recent sexual trysts, goes around town convincing her former beaus (and one belle) to pretend they don’t know each other. This film received half my phone votes (the other being, of course, “Polished") based on the confidence of the style/content combination, even if the latter wasn’t enough to make me truly love it. Still, I think Shira-Lee has a chance to tell some really intimate dramedies in the future after this competition, so I want to see her stay.

Contestant: Marty Martin
Film: Dance With The Devil

Critique: An absolute mess of a film posing as a Tony Scott tour de force along the lines of “Man on Fire” and “Domino,” this is all flash and no story. A quick vignette about a man being unable to pay back mob loans, ending up with his death, portrays exactly what’s wrong with some of the big flash-bang blockbusters polluting theatres. All color filters and subtitles (even though the characters spoke English), unnecessary jump cuts and flash-forwards, this man has no idea how to tell a story. The fact that he rudely insulted Carrie Fisher for her critique speaks volumes about his unchecked ego, and while I’m sure he’ll last in the competition, he represents a terrible film school niche that never gave a crap during their screenwriting courses. He doesn’t realize that the directors he’s ripping off started their careers in much quieter, story-driven films that gave them the right to bring forth their unique styles in later films. He has not one original bone in his body.

Contestant: Kenny Luby
Film: Edge of the End

Critique: Still one of the most obnoxious filmmakers of the group, this skateboard film-inspired guy has no clue what a plot is made of: a beginning, a middle and an end. Sure, one is allowed to mix it up, but he does it to the point that his stories are a blur of hyperactive and headache-inducing camera tricks. He’s all about pretty colors and jolting visuals, but a director must must must must must first connect to his audience before anything else. He wreaks of film theory ignorance and stands out as a mistake for those who let him join the competition in the first place. This film, about the troubles of alcoholism, is absolutely useless.

Summary: David will probably go home, since this show seems to follow more of a popularity contest mold (more American Idol than Project Runway) and puts some elements of talent and storytelling second. I do, however, look forward to the remaining films next week, and hope for the show to finally catch on with viewers bored by reruns on E!

Look How I Overestimated a Movie! In Real Time!

2007-06-22T22:29:00.000-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com, hence the delayed wrongness)

Two summers ago, one special movie took the country by storm, bringing delight to small children across the United States and ending up with at $150 million+ gross at the box office.

Unfortunately, that film was Fantastic Four, a film eviscerated by critics and comic book fans alike, decrying it for its juvenile wit and lackluster special effects. Those who were amazed by the great stories told in such Marvel Comics properties as the sequels to Spider-Man and X-Men, as well as the vastly misunderstood Ang Lee version of The Hulk, were left with a silly and incredibly dumb adventure film not suitable for anyone above the age of 12.

I don’t consider the film to be as awful as everybody else: I thought Michael Chiklis (from FX’s The Shield) gave a pretty riveting performance as The Thing considering being buried in about a foot of make-up, and as far as origin stories go, I’ve seen far worse. I didn’t think it merited all the money it raked in, though, so I was mildly dreading the sequel.

All things considered, the sequel Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer will come out this Friday and overtake its competition at the weekend box office quite easily, and taking into account how well superhero sequels do, it could probably bring in $80 million easily, surpassing the $56 million opening weekend of the original. Little elementary school boys will buy up the Mr. Fantastic action figures from Toys ‘R’ Us and make their own Stan Lee stories, as they have every right to do.

But will the film be any good? The previews give an impression to those who were not fans of the original that the creators were, in fact, listening to the comic book nerds, and the portrayal given of fan-favorite the Silver Surfer is a marvel of character design that could sustain a good amount of interest for at least half of the running time. Another complaint of the first film was that nothing much happened, which is also true. However, this film is about nothing less than the destruction of Earth itself, brought forth by Galactus and perhaps the Surfer himself. That may even bring in those who hated the first film.

This weekend, we’ll know collectively whether or not we’ve been duped a second time. The poor pedigree of the first film keeps my anticipation of the sequel quite low, but something tells me I’ll be in the theatre, once again, chanting the movie geek mantra, “Please don’t suck. Please don’t suck. Please don’t suck.”

DVDs This Week: "The Bridge" (really, LAST week)

2007-06-22T22:28:00.001-07:00

(originally posted at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com)

After years of toiling as the runt brother of big budget blockbusters, theatrical documentaries are finally big business in the world of mainstream film. Give it up to Michael Moore and Al Gore (even if you despise them), the feel-good nature of audience-friendly fare such as Mad Hot Ballroom and March of the Penguins and the high-quality stuff coming from cable networks like The History Channel and Discovery for this bright new world.

And now let’s put a big fat cloud over that bright new world.

The Bridge is an emotional documentary, released a few months ago in theatres, that garnered a lot of attention for its bizarre and borderline-offensive but still fascinating central topic: film producer Eric Steel set up cameras on the Golden Gate Bridge for the entirety of 2004 and ended up capturing nearly two dozen suicide attempts from the famous landmark, some succeeding, some prevented by the film crew. Exploring the families of the victims as well as the fact that these suicides are almost never reported in the mainstream media becomes Steel’s central conceit of the film. The bridge itself has, according to sources, seen over 1,250 suicides since its completion in 1937 (they stopped counting a long time ago) with only 26 surviving falls (all feet first). Despite the great impact these deaths could have on a community, they are largely ignored by the population of San Francisco of 3/4 of a million and the surrounding areas.

Why is this the case? Why is the bridge the #1 destination for suicidal people? (This statistic is alleged, as others believe that the most popular spot for such a thing would be England’s Beachy Head in East Sussex.) What drives people to these lengths? And why choose such a public place in which to end your life instead of other, more private means?

The film made an impact when it was released in theatres, including a resurgence of city government talk of perhaps building a barrier. Good documentaries make the most amount of change in the lives of those who saw it, and this one should be no exception. There is controversy over Steel himself, who according to Wikipedia was not forthcoming with the Golden Gate National Recreation Area committee, neither was he with the families, who did not know he had footage of their loved one’s death until far later in the process. Nevertheless, for those like myself who look out their window and see that glorious testament to the city, to the San Francisco Bay and to the sea, there is a story very little of us know.

A "Hostel" Insurgence

2007-06-22T10:37:00.000-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbymovies.com)

In the most recent movie weekend, described by nearly every studio as tepid in comparison to most summer releases, the big news wasn’t that Steven Soderbergh’s Ocean’s 13 made less than either of its predecessors--in all honesty, its $36.1 million intake wasn’t too far below the first of the trilogy ($38.1 million) or the second ($39.1 million) and is far from a disaster in this overstuffed season--or the strong legs of raunchy Judd Apatow comedy Knocked Up.Instead, it was the $8.2 million earned by Eli Roth’s gorefest Hostel Part II, less than $10 million from what part one made in the winter of 2006. The blogosphere has already pounced on writer/director Eli Roth and the entire recent surge of horror films dubbed by New York Magazine’s David Edelstein as “torture porn"--this would include such releases from the past few years as Wolf Creek, the Aja remake of The Hills Have Eyes and the blockbuster Saw trilogy--and have exclaimed that this widely denounced sub-genre has finally worn out its welcome. Like the slasher films of the 1970s and 1980s or the jokey Kevin Williamson Scream-type movies from the 1990s, it’s time for them to bite the dust.

I do not follow this line of thinking. Far from it. It is true that the horror genre, much like any niche-driven type of film ranging from action movies to musicals to westerns, follows a cyclical cycle of popularity, and it seems to a great deal of people that this could be the beginning of the end. However, one film does not equal a trend. To put things into perspective, no, Hostel Part II performed way under expectations. The film did, though, cost only $10 million. By this coming Thursday I can assure you it will have made back its production cost, and the rest of its run will cover the advertising budget (which to this writer seemed to be lacking in generally anyway). Take into account overseas distribution sales, the sure-fire DVD rental surge and cable television, and production company Lion’s Gate has a bonafide hit on their hands. There are no two ways about it. Horror films can be made on the cheap and still look absolutely passable to anyone’s eyes, and is a worthy investment for any producer.

The movie itself was watchable, lacking in tension but a vast improvement over the onslaught of horror-free PG-13 “horror” films that are released about 20 times per year. Since its plot shared a very close similarity to the first film, the freshness of the this-could-happen-in-real-life story couldn’t shock a second time. A fair amount of gore made it to the finished product, but a surprising amount happened off-screen. I would chalk up the “failure” of the film to the aforementioned crowded weekend (hell, Pirates 3 is still in second place three weeks later), poor advertising that relied too heavily on the Internet and not enough in theatres, and a word-of-mouth that just didn’t happen.

So before you let your irrational hatred of Mr. Roth figuratively execute a still-lucrative genre (the last Saw film, for your information, grossed over $80 million, and the third sequel comes out this Halloween), keep in mind that despite the flayed skin and dismemberment of these films, these forays into realistic human suffering are a valid art form that should not be compared in any sense to pornography. Mr. Roth may be an egotistical bastard (no argument here) but he is just trying to do what he does best--scare the crap out of you.

Why "America's Got Talent" is Part of the Problem

2007-06-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

(original published at the now-defunct www.poweredbyshows.com)

Just to set things absolutely straight before we go on, I am a very big fan of reality television. Despite the fact that since last March Entertainment Weekly has declared the absolutely true notion that we are currently living in a “Golden Age of Television” in this country, there is still a very large percentage of poorly written, formulaic garbage on network TV we as an audience have to sift through in order to get to the good stuff. (This also would be due to the fact that a good portion of this Golden Age programming happens to not be on the Big Four.) This is where reality TV comes in: for those of us sick and tired of the same police procedurals and sloppy characterization, shows such as Survivor, Big Brother, The Amazing Race, American Idol, America’s Next Top Model and Hell’s Kitchen sort of circumvent that process and give us what we as viewers truly demand: unabashed entertainment. You can gripe all you want about its blight on the television landscape, but it has opened up the industry to nearly twice as many news jobs (consider all the editors and writers needed for each show) and have the ability to be far more interesting and unpredictable (it’s the nature of the best of the shows) than another family drama.

Just like any genre, though, reality TV has its share of groaners. Other than a few random series watched more for the novelty than for the entertainment (Average Joe, For Love Or Money, Joe Millionaire, Mr. Personality), I have avoided nearly all dating shows. Same goes with wife-swapping shows and programs that have “nanny” in the title. These are stinkers. But one that truly gets my goat is NBC’s smash summer hit America’s Got Talent.

Nothing against David Hasselhoff, but this is a pretty awful show that tries to ride the line between Chuck Barris Gong Show ridiculousness and American Idol competition and tends to fail time and time again. It preys on our interest as an audience that we want to see train wrecks happen onstage, but this rubbernecking is something that has led to ineffective nightly news and the muckraking of such pundits as Bill O’Reilly. It’s stupid without being funny, and cruel without being constructive. It’s a freakshow and nothing more.

In the best reality competitions, the contestants have to possess skills in order to move ahead, hence the combined popularity and good critical reception of such programs as Top Chef, Project Runway, Project Greenlight and early seasons of The Apprentice. The participants cannot get by on silly tricks but instead must step forward and pretty much rock the show’s foundation. Not so with America’s Got Talent. In this talent show mess, people from across the country show acts that they believe can earn them $1,000,000. Problem is, no magic show or small animal act is worth even a fraction of that, nor are circus/sideshow tricks designed for birthday parties. These people either expose their delusions, which is pathetic even on megahit American Idol, or simply want their 15 minutes of fame, something the best reality shows refuse to dole out. It’s a formula for obnoxious, unwatchable television.

The bad acts don’t entertain, the good acts belong on other shows, and against the conceit of the show that the program is intended for a variety of great acts, a singer will without question win if left up to the vote of the American people...which it is. I’d love to see a show where contestants bring forth advances in sociological or technological or political advances and allowing the show to fund their dreams and help them reach the people who can really make a difference in the world. It might not work as a show, but I won’t feel like I’ll need a shower after watching it, either. Reality television can one day change the world, and while I am very delighted with most of the good entertainment reality television brings forth, I also support it for what it can do.

"Smallville" Adds to the Cast...Or Do They?

2007-06-21T22:32:00.000-07:00

(originally published at the now-defunct www.poweredbyshows.com)
I’m a strange fellow. Perhaps it’s my nostalgia-driven love for the 1980s or my borderline-creepy affinity for really good family films. Either way, when it comes to the superhero movies of the 80s, I vastly prefer 1984’s Supergirl over any of the four Superman films. Yes, two of the Superman films are pretty bad on their own, but what possible explanation could I make to justify my preference of a very silly movie with Helen Slater as the titular character, and Hollywood royalty Faye Dunaway and Peter O’Toole sleepwalking through their roles? I really don’t have one.

Which is why I’m excited that in the world of CW’s fun primetime superhero soap Smallville they are making room in their mythology for one Kara Zor-El, a.k.a. Supergirl. I am half a season behind on this show currently, as I prefer to watch the show about Superman’s younger years in large groups (as I did the first four seasons. Thank you, Netflix!), so I don’t know if anything was set up to make me even more excited than I really am, but just let it be known that she would make an excellent addition.

1. Some of the lesser episodes of Smallville bring in outside comic book characters from the DC world, but they are usually awkwardly jammed in with a crowbar and rarely last more than a stand-alone episode, one that is usually apart from the central Clark Kent mythology of the show. The few exceptions include the recent Justice League episode where Cyborg, Flash and Aquaman make semi-triumphant returns, as well as the Green Arrow who had half of this most recent season partially dedicated to his romance with Lois Lane and battle against the still-not-completely-evil Lex Luthor. By introducing a character that has the potential to be a regular during the show’s final years, it bodes well for the upcoming story.

2. Which brings me to the fact that every news outlet (and, well, the comic books) lets us know that Supergirl, Superman’s cousin, has all of his powers plus a few more, including the power of flight. Smallville creators Miles Millar and Alfred Gough have always let viewers know that they were going to stick close to their guns when it came to setting this show in a kind of pseudo-reality, coining their slogan “No tights. No flights.” Smallville is entering its seventh season this fall, which will probably be its last. Michael Rosenbaum (Lex Luthor) has said publicly he will not continue the series after this season, and the story seems to be heading toward an exit for Clark to end up in Metropolis very soon. The only way the creators would break their slogan would be to end their show, and what better way than for Clark to finally take to the skies?

(Yes, technically he already flew once, but that’s when he was possessed by the spirit of his Krypton self Kal-El to retrieve a jewel in season four, so that doesn’t count.)

3. Kara will act as a dramatic foil to the budding Chloe-Jimmy Olsen love story, as she will catch the eye of said “Daily Planet” photographer from a character who is unfortunately never mentioned in the comics. Chloe needs a story of her own, and not just following Clark around and keeping his secrets, and this will do the trick.

Some viewers will mention (and already have mentioned) that Supergirl already appeared on Smallville during the third season finale during all that weird hoopla about the cave and the Indian cave-drawings and piece of Jor-El’s ship in Clark’s possession. Wasn’t her name Kara, didn’t she have Clark’s powers, and didn’t he refer to her as his cousin?

Let’s clear things up: I know the show doesn’t follow the comic books as closely as it should (seriously, how will Lois react when she sees the real Superman out of the Clark Kent glasses of the movies, considering she lives in Smallville on the show and knows Clark without his glasses?), but there are easy explanations. In the comics, there was a fake Kara in the canon before the real one. Now, they never say that the Kara on Smallville was a fake, but unlike the real Supergirl who escaped from Krypton before it exploded, the one on the show was from Earth and had been missing for a decade and was thusly possessed by Jor-El to show Clark his true destiny.

I obviously cannot tell you if the show will deal with this fact for more than a fleeting mention, or at all, but I thought that it would appease the show’s fans and give them hope that this Supergirl will be equally as cool as the one from 1984. Even if they hate that movie. Which I don’t.

"Hell's Kitchen: How to De-Bone a Fish

2007-06-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

(reposted from the now-defunct poweredbyshows.com)

Last night’s second episode of FOX’s glorious guilty pleasure cooking competition Hell’s Kitchen finally put the show back on track with its former seasons. Gone were the whimpering shenanigans of last week’s show, where the 12 new contestants, all vying for Chef Gordon Ramsay’s affection and the ownership of a high-class restaurant in Las Vegas, pretty much told us what we already know: Chef Ramsay yells a lot, makes you feel inadequate and is all-around terrifying as a boss.

Now that those people who weren’t already fans of the show are caught up with what the show entails--I often sense fans of Bravo’s Top Chef tuning in, getting very frightened of what they’re watching, and turn the channel back to reruns of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy--last night’s episode finally gets down to the nitty-gritty of the restaurant trade.

The teams, split up once again to men-versus-women (which will last at least half the season if the show follows it previous formula), found themselves thrust into another tough night of service, struggling with the menus pushed at them by Chef Ramsay. This week, each group finally learned to work together as a team (for the most part), and it was mostly a welcome relief. Last week, both kitchens were an absolute disaster as the dichotomy familiar to the show came forth. This dichotomy, of course, is between the contestants who know their way around a reality television ensemble and do their best to stand out, either by being horribly antagonistic to their teammates or acting as pathetic but memorable failures (respectively Vinnie the night club chef and Aaron the retirement home chef this season), and those who have the potential to be great cooks but have little personality (about one-third of the contestants).

Once Ramsay puts said people in line--you can’t get by on this show without knowing, say, how to cook Beef Wellington to perfection--the results are a great deal more interesting. Despite a great improvement between the two weeks, though, there always has to be some conflict in Hell’s Kitchen, and that boiled down to kidney disease-sufferer Eddie being pushed around the men’s kitchen by nearly everybody, costing him his chance to continue on with the show.

Most viewers, of course, want Aaron to go, not only for his constant tearful breakdowns (he even fainted for a moment last night) but for his inability to de-bone a cooked fish for the restaurant patrons in any time less than 15 minutes. This is FOX, however, and such an odd character won’t go away that easily. We need our entertainment, and a large Asian 48-year-old man who can’t stop crying is at the same level as some of the “talent acts” on NBC’s America’s Got Talent.

If Hell’s Kitchen continues to improve week-after-week at this quick rate, we’re looking at the best finale so far for a reality show that doesn’t get the great ratings it deserves.

"The Sopranos" Goes Out Singing

2007-06-21T10:57:00.000-07:00

(reposted from the now-defunct poweredbyshows.com) [Note: Spoilers about the final Sopranos episode, as well as ones on the endings of the films Limbo, The Talented Mr. Ripley and Scarface. (But really, who doesn't know the ending of Scarface?)]

Everybody’s talking about it. You’re talking about it. Your mother is talking about it.

The Sopranos finale. The most hotly debated finale in years. Despite the show being on a premium cable channel, discussions surrounding the controversial ending rival that of the “it’s all a Patrick Duffy” dream from Dallas or Seinfeld’s final whimper. Everybody has an opinion about it, and this writer is no exception. Spoilers from Sunday’s finale as well as the final sequences of movies from the last decade follow.

For those not in the know, The Sopranos ended its eight-year six-season Shakespearean opus with a low-key episode that traded not in death and violence, but in quiet moments, family bonding and an artistic final choice that has nearly everybody up in arms. Phil Leotardo, who spent most of the recent half-season killing off nearly all of Tony’s Jersey crew, finally gets his comeuppance in a sudden a sickening end. During the final moments, Tony meets with his family at a local diner, each of them arriving separately. As he awaits them, he is fully aware of the strangers coming in and occupying the restaurant, keeping his eyes open for any assassination attempts. The head guy of the New York family may have been eliminated scenes earlier, but we know as viewers that Tony will never be safe. When Meadow finally comes through the door, Tony looks up. The show cuts to black for around six seconds, and credits roll. Was Tony shot? Was his family massacred? Did he go on living? Who knows?

I would consider this an ending befitting of the tragic tale of a mob boss who must live with the horrific decisions he must make day-in and day-out. Many others, however, consider it a cop-out akin to show creator David Chase giving them the middle finger, and boy are they pissed. They wanted closure. They wanted storylines wrapped up. And they’ve been coming up with theories--reading clues as if to say that the “cut to black” indicated “lights out” for Tony, hence a death--that will never be confirmed by Chase, who is currently avoided all the hoopla by relaxing with his wife in Paris.

These people, though, who wanted this big bloodbath at the end, were watching the wrong damn show.

For starters, I think there’s absolutely no way of knowing what happened at the end, and that’s the absolute point. He will have to live in constant fear for the rest of his life, or he was killed, but Chase is sly enough not to give us any kind of tangible answer. He first led us to believe that Tony would be his old school self and choose Tony Bennett on the jukebox at the diner (the last song we see him look at before he puts in his quarter and hits the combination of buttons), giving this old school gangster his final song. But instead he picks Journey. “Don’t Stop Believing.” And as the show ends, we’re left with the chorus “Don’t Stop...” and don’t even get the full line. That’s a moment of great writing lost on many of the viewers.

As for the black-out, it reminded me of this John Sayles film called Limbo. David Strathairn and his family get stranded in the Alaskan wilderness, trying to survive, and also pursued by people who want to kill them. During the film’s final moments, they see and hear a plane in the distance. Is it rescue, or is it the villain, finally coming to murder the family?

We don’t know. The screen goes black before we know for sure. End credits.

That’s the same thing here. Limbo. Tony is in a kind of limbo, much like the end of Anthony Minghella’s The Talented Mr. Ripley, where Tom Ripley (Matt Damon) gets away with every murder in the entire film, and to ensure this must murder his lover. As the film closes, Tom is in tears at the monster he has become. He’s free, but his soul is not. Minghella has called the film an examination of living your life in purgatory.

I can’t accept the “light’s out” argument, simply because there is no evidence to support this any more than Tony living.

Secondly, I also think that if you really wanted an ending with our hero--note that, our HERO--to simply go down in a hail of gunfire a la Scarface after finally finding some semblance of sanity with his family and himself, then you need to take a good, long and very hard look at what you thought this show was for six seasons. Never has it been Scarface. The show makes some very difficult decisions, much like its brilliant HBO companion The Wire, and giving him some kind of glory death would betray the themes viewers have all known since 1999.

I feel as if the people calling for some kind of finite ending, with just the simple explanation of a bloody showdown, are watching for the wrong reasons. Or, at least, what I consider the wrong reasons. They watch for the violence, for the deaths, for the inner mob workings. But that’s not The Sopranos. It’s only peripherally about the mob and the guns and the sex. The Sopranos is first and foremost about a troubled man balancing the two families in his life, trying to squeeze by doing the only thing he knows how to do. Why viewers would want to see this character, who rivals some of the great troubled heroes in literature, simply die.

The ending was tense, haunting, maybe terrifying and maybe hopeful. What it’s not is one instance of violence that could potentially negate everything we’ve seen on the show. Tony’s life is his burden, and to relieve him of this burden is a cop-out. Not this ending. This was no cop-out. This was perfect.

Well, that was fun...

2007-06-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

I guess I spoke too soon. Just as I dropped this website to join the upstart blogging community poweredbyeverything.com--being the sole writer for both poweredbyshows.com and poweredbymovies.com--the company goes belly up less than two weeks after it launched. I got a total of 34 posts in during the last eight days, and was finally getting a hang on having to write so damn much to be paid only in ad revenue.

Here's the e-mail my "boss" sent to all the contributors. I believe in Stevi's vocabulary, this situation would be referred to as a "sack of buttholes."

"All,

Yesterday we noticed some isolated database abnormalities. This morning at around 11AM Pacific Time the problem spread and affected the entire server causing it to be down till around 2:30PM Pacific Time. When the server came back online we noticed that there were still some major underlying database issues.

The bottom line is that the entire network has been compromised. The site may look fine on the outside but it is no longer operating as intended. We no longer have the ability to syndicate feeds or posts stories live. The software has simply corrupted itself.

We have exhausted all options and at this juncture we are going to have to take the site offline indefinitely. We are aware that there is a sought after software update that is soon to be released that may alleviate our current issues. Unfortunately we have no workaround at this time.

Furthermore, the network is causing the server to become unstable at regular intervals. The database/software corruption has also caused numerous posts to be be lost permanenty (or) seem to be lost, but only be temporarily disabled.

I can't tell you how sorry we are. We have invested a lot in this venture... and you all have done your best to invest in us in such little time.

We will be mailing out payments on the Agreed payment schedule for the services provided this month. Because this issue has come about so early on, we have decided to surrender all posts from the network, and we agree not to redistribute them in any future ventures. We will provide you with a backup copy of all of your posts by request. Please note that it will take a significant amount of time to receive a backup copy because we are concerned that there may be malicious code embedded within the backup. We will need time to evaluate the backup and clean it of all unnecessary & privileged/private information.

*This email shall serve as written notice of termination of our Agreement.*

Once again we sincerely apologize.

Regards,

Brandon"

Well, looks like Media Whore will once again walk the streets, turning tricks and telling the world all about it.

For the next few days, I will post all the articles that were on the two sites before they were shut down. It'll be 31 of them, since two were part of the "'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost" series on canceled TV shows I already posted here, and one was a draft about Bringing Up Baby that was never finished. Some of them were to be read during the day in which it was posted--references to upcoming shows that have now aired, for instance--but I still think they should be here.

Where I'm Going

2007-06-13T11:51:00.000-07:00

It seems that a few of my plans for this site has changed since I started really getting into the writing last summer. While this blog will (hopefully) not be permanently neglected, I have shifted my focus to two other blogs which will generate more traffic and hopefully a richer community.

For now, I am the sole writer for these two sites:

www.poweredbyshows.com

www.poweredbymovies.com

I am contributing at least three articles per site per day, so the free time I have will most likely go more toward these two than Media Whore here. What remaining time I will time (weekends) can shift toward here. No promises, though.

Mythology of the Studio Era: The African Queen

2007-06-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

The filming of the 1951 film "The African Queen"--starring Humphrey Bogart and Katherine Hepburn--took place mostly in the African countries of Uganda and the Congo, in addition to stage work in London and a little bit of location work in Turkey.

While in the African countries, the following happened:

-Much of the cast and crew suffered from a great deal of illnesses, including malaria and dysentery. Ms. Hepburn herself suffered from the latter, as she drank much of the bacteria-infested water to spite the drinking habits of admitted alcoholics Bogart and director John Huston. Those two men were the only two who didn't fall ill. "Whenever a fly bit Huston or me," exclaimed Bogart, "it dropped dead."

-Huston had an obsession with hunting wild game in the jungles of the continent, often putting his accompanying actors in near-fatal situations. The co-writer of the film committed a fictionalized account of this into his book "White Hunter, Black Heart" which was later turned into a movie directed by and starring Clint Eastwood, playing the obviously named character John Wilson.

-Although much of the crew was local, many allegedly did not show up fearing the filmmakers to be cannibals.

_____

These facts are brought to you by IMDb.com, Hepburn's memoir "The Making of 'The African Queen,' or How I Went to Africa with Bogie, Bacall and Huston and Almost Lost My Mind" and random tidbits by Robert Osbourne accompanying the film's airing on Turner Classic Movies a couple days ago.

More "Big Brother" Than You Can Shake A Stick At

2007-06-11T03:45:00.000-07:00

I've made no secret of my love for the CBS reality show "Big Brother." I find it the cream of the crop when it comes to reality shows, what with its soap opera histrionics, its loyal fan base and its deeply involved quest to uncover everything that makes a human being who they are, what makes them tick, and often what makes them go BOOM. By trapping people inside a house with no outside contact in real time for three months (if you last that long without being voted out or ejected) and letting them expose the human condition--there's that term again--in ways matched only by the high-quality programs on HBO, it's pop culture post-modernism at its finest. This isn't even mentioning the dozens of other incarnations around the world, which vary in their games, houses, sexuality and sociological implications. I could probably write a good 5,000 words easily on the topic, but I won't subject you to that torture.

To show my devotion, my mother and I were present at Season 5's live finale due to my second degree association to one of their editors (who is now working on "The Amazing Race") and some last minute film school hooky.

Usually, unless you were paying over $10/month for the 24 hour live feed internet service--which is reportedly very low-resolution and often cuts away when really good things are happening--viewers get the free (and admittedly more-than-enough) one hour three nights a week, edited almost on-the-spot by those aforementioned wonderful editors.

According to Variety, however, it seems that Showtime (partnered with CBS) will air three hours of (mostly) uncensored live feed a night on their Showtime Too (ShoToo) channel midnight to 3 a.m. ET (which sounds much better since I'm on Pacific Time) starting along with the premiere of the show on the fifth of July. The channel comes with most Showtime packages and can easily be found on any TiVo subscriber's list of seven gajillion channels.

There you go. Another thing to add to my TiVo. My fiancee is going to kill me.

Wait, They're Not Dead Yet?: LH Edition

2007-06-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

Lena Horne.
89 years old.
Turns 90 on the 30th.
Not dead yet.

_____

Tune into this site for more celebrities who you think might be dead, but are in fact not.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : Another Pause in Our Programming

2007-06-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

Well, another network down. We've learned this year that for the most part, NBC, under the watch of recently ousted entertainment president Kevin Reilly, took chances with some very peculiar shows, and for the most part stuck with them at least for a full season (or half-season in the cases of mid-season replacements). The casualties weren't as severe as ABC, nor as half-assed as CBS, or nearly the disaster that was FOX's last season (one, count them, one new show lasted to see another season, and it's not a very good one) and the future looks bright for NBC. I'll deal with their new shows later on when that times draws closer.

There were, of course, another handful of shows on NBC's canceled list about which I didn't write. This would either be due to the fact that I was on the road for four months starting in January (severely limiting the hours I usually dedicated to watching every damn thing the networks throw at me) or a complete lack of interest. As follows:

-"The Black Donnellys": Paul Haggis is sort of a hack, and while the concept mildly intrigued me, I wasn't going to watch anything he created on his own. I reserve my right to do this.

-"Crossing Jordan": During its entire run I have seen exactly zero episodes. I did, however, see an episode of "Las Vegas" where the two characters randomly appeared to solve a mystery at the Montecito. It was okay.

-"Grease: You're The One That I Want": I watched the first three weeks of this, and then work caught up with me (along with the fact that it was nigh-impossible to download any episodes of this). I appreciated the effort but wasn't ecstatic about it, and from what I knew of the contestants by the time I stopped watching, I was not satisfied with the winning couple. Still, an intriguing idea for a show that just didn't catch on. (You know, like "On the Lot" right now.)

-"Raines": I saw the pilot very recently, and thought it was really interesting, but I just don't have it in me to download the rest of the small season, especially now that it's canceled. Sorry, Jeff Goldblum.

-"The Real Wedding Crashers": One of the two shows that stole "Studio 60's" Monday at 10 spot, it fell under that series of reality television--i.e. dating shows and wifeswapping--I decided early on to avoid.

-"Thank God You're Here": A mediocre but slightly watchable take-off on "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" that just didn't grab my attention during the first episode. All the episodes were available on NBC.com and still may be (along with "TBD" and "Friday Night Lights") and still very may well be, and I might visit a couple more before I say goodbye, but I'm fine without it. The hilarious Bryan Cranston, who appeared on the first episode, now has his own series coming up called "Breaking Bad." I'm looking forward to that far more.

As with ABC's "What About Brian?" I'm not sure if I'm ready to discuss the cancellation of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" for two reasons:

1) It is very dear to my heart.

2) They're still technically burning off episodes.

And as for "The Apprentice," it may not be on the fall schedule, and Trump may have threatened to quit, but current legal battles and flighty network executives haven't technically dropped this one yet.

CBS is next, and they've got some shit to deal with maintenant.

Curse you, Bearitos!

2007-06-10T14:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes on a Sunday afternoon, I like me to have some low-fat vegetarian organic black beans, and canned food company Bearitos is not making that easy.

I especially like the instructions for microwave cooking.

"Pour into microwaveable bowl and cover it and set microwave on high until HOT. Then stir."

But...but...how long will that be? The given time for most foods to microwave and come out edible is usually around two minutes, but how can I be certain for these beans? I don't know if living inside a can changes their physiological components, and two minutes would turn them gross, or still render them raw.

What constitutes "hot"? Burning? Warm? Ability to hold my finger in the beans for at least three seconds before I must eject said finger?

Bearitos is not nice to those of us who don't cook. I want my taco ingredients!

But then I remember that Bearitos means "little bears"--not literally, but in an English-Spanish hybrid helped along with that cute little mascot below--I laugh far more than I should, and then enjoy whatever shape and form these low-fat vegetarian black beans I can get.

(Little Bear sayz "Me wantz organic foodz!")

Wait, They're Not Dead Yet?: DVD Edition

2007-06-09T02:38:00.000-07:00

Is it bad that I seriously thought long and hard to myself just now for about five minutes whether or not Dick Van Dyke was alive?

Dick Van Dyke.
81 years old.
Not dead yet.

_____

Tune into this site for more celebrities who you think might be dead, but are in fact not.

What I Grew Up Around: Hostel Edition

2007-06-09T01:12:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to point out to everybody that tomorrow I will be seeing a double-bill of "Ocean's 13" and "Hostel II." Now, I did not come up with this double-bill. This dubious achievement was put forth by my dear mother, UCLA film school graduate of 1970.

Just so we're clear, this was the teaser poster for "Hostel II."

I personally avoided the first "Hostel" film in theatres. As with documentaries, I feel I appreciate the focus of horror films far more if I watch them in the comfort of my own home, away from the increasingly obnoxious audiences of modern day. (I did, however, see all three "Saw" movies in theatres, and admittedly only had a bad theatrical experience with the first at the Culver Stadium in Culver City, CA, otherwise having a wonderful time at the Century Hilltop in Richmond, CA, and the AMC Bay Street in Emeryville, CA, although I chalk those last two "good experiences" up to seeing them away from the opening weekend.)

I finally got around to seeing "Hostel" on DVD as a late addition to Netflix. Yeah, I enjoyed it, then watched it again the same day when Geoff came back from his valet job. I don't subscribe to the utter hatred of so-called "torture porn," but that's a discussion for another day.

Now, when it comes to my mother really enjoying the first "Hostel" movie, you have to put into perspective certain things. My sister was currently abroad for a semester, studying theatre at Queen Mary in London. The program allowed for a great deal of travel, as I believe they were given one week a month to frolic in Europe and beyond, and my mother met up with my sister several times during this five-month span. One time, they decided to go to Prague, where my sister's good friend was temporarily matriculating (a stage manager and theatrical producer she had worked with on several occasions at USC).

I am very hazy on the Prague details. I was working at Borders in Westwood at the time (holy shit, do not ever ever ever work at Borders, even if you're at the "celebrity store") and could not afford to travel overseas more than once. That one time was dedicated to going to Ireland with Stevi (my third time, her first), which was notably a great trip. It didn't leave me other options for the rest of my employment at Borders, though, so I didn't see my sister for a very long time. (Another thing to put into perspective: for my upcoming nuptials, I made my sister my Best Man).

What I do know about their time in Prague falls under two items: they saw a small black box theatrical production of "Faust" that was described to me as "entirely in blacklight," "like a rave" and "completely fucking crazy." The second was that they saw "Hostel" at a local theatre.

What's fun about seeing "Hostel" in Prague is that the majority of the film takes place in Bratislava, where the two main characters (Jay Hernandez and Derek Richardson, who just happened to both be in network dramas this year) go to sow their wild drunken college oats and end up getting kidnapped and tortured for rich sickos. The distance between these two Eastern European cities is merely a 3h51m drive across a country border, or 331 km. (Since I'm American, a website tells me that is 205.673 miles.) Apparently, seeing this movie of torture, dismemberment, eyeball-gouging and horrific Achilles tendon-slashing that takes place only three hours away led my mother to declare later on the phone that she "absolutely loved it."

My mother is a very fearless woman when it comes to controversial filmmaking, unless it upsets her feminist sensibilities. (For example, she finds "Chasing Amy," which I consider to be an absolute masterpiece, to be morally offensive to her. However, she loves the fetishistic focus on naked woman put forth by Brian DePalma, so who knows?) She is very lenient on violence, and this is no exception.

(I did recently discover a different side of her, buried in the past, when I proclaimed I had just watched and loved Sam Peckinpah's "Straw Dogs," which she subsequently told me she walked out of because it was too violent. This was not the mom I knew.)

I'm just saying, this is what I grew up around. She is a 58-year-old woman who is going out of her way to bring her family to the latest goretastic sequel by Eli Roth, who has been the brunt of some of the biggest shitstorms to come out of the film blogosphere because of the films he makes and his accompanying egomania.

And when she saw that poster, the teaser one above, here was her exact description: "Awesome."

Mythology of the Studio Era: Judy Garland

2007-06-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

(Oh nooooooooooooooooooooo! My fish shack!)

Apparently, the day Judy Garland died, Kansas was struck by a tornado.

_____

This fact brought to you by Turner Classic Movies book "Leading Ladies: The 50 Most Unforgettable Actresses of the Studio Era."

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 12

2007-06-06T14:27:00.000-07:00

KIDNAPPED

Synopsis: The son of an affluent New Yorker is kidnapped, leading to a high-powered manhunt involving vast political conspiracies.

What Worked: Probably the most sly debut show of the season, this was underplayed and nearly underacted, avoiding the bombastic nature of most cop shows. This was one to which you reaaaaally had to pay attention, and for the few episodes that actually aired in its original Wednesday at 10 timeslot, it made the viewers feel like they were reading a damn good mystery novel. This was a full season commitment, much like HBO's "The Wire," which pretty much every reputable critic in America agrees is one of the greatest television shows of all time. "Kidnapped" is not "The Wire," not even close, but it shared the same intelligence.

I know that I've been gushing over the ensemble cast of most shows already in this article series, but "Kidnapped" boasted by far the greatest, bar none. I have been the biggest Jeremy Sisto fan ever since his role as Roberto in Lawrence Kasdan's tour de force "Grand Canyon" (like Paul Haggis's "Crash," only not lame) right through such works as "Clueless," "May" and his role as Billy Chenoweth on "Six Feet Under." As the hard-edged private eye with unorthodox tactics (yeah, aren't they always that way?), he was an itchy trigger finger antihero that seemed more at home in a cable show like "The Closer" or "The Shield."

The rest of the major cast included Bay Area guy Delroy Lindo ("Get Shorty") as Sisto's former partner and pointman of the investigation, Mykelti Williamson ("Forrest Gump") as the victim's bodyguard and Timothy Hutton ("Ordinary People") and Dana Delaney ("NYPD Blue") as the parents. In addition, the show was filmed in New York, so instead of those L.A. characters actors we see in several shows during the same year in guest roles, "Kidnapped" has its share of cult actors and theatre personalities, the two most noteworthy being Anthony Rapp ("Rent") and James Urbaniak (Dr. Venture on "The Venture Brothers").

What Didn't Work: This show got praised to high holy heaven by many print and online critics, but I always found it a bit too solemn for its own good, or for its very few viewers. I found the focus on the parents too depressing to work in comparison to the in-depth investigation, which is an admittedly sociopathic response entirely on my part but still nevertheless true.

I wish the show had remained a little more focused on the case at hand, really, and understanding more about the Sisto character and less about the victim (who we saw being kept in Mexico for no real reason), more like the other wealthy kidnapped person show this year, FOX's "Vanished." I actually enjoyed that show a great deal more, but in a very stupid I'm-watching-FOX way.

But it's very hard to pass judgement on this show, since it lasted no more than four episodes in its time slot, was put on hiatus, then asked by the producers to take the 22-episode arc and squeeze it into 13, then only aired those episodes scattered throughout the year, ultimately showing the final handful all together on a weekend.

Why Not Enough People Watched: The death of the serialized show not about superheroes or castaways continues. It's definitely a tough sell, and to put it into the slot occupied by TV mainstay "Law & Order" after more than a decade in the same spot probably seemed like blasphemy to NBC watchers. ("L&O" also suffered greatly from this change, a move that almost ended its legendary run entirely.)

I can't blame NBC for canceling it, though. Just look at that cast list. That's a whole lot of moolah to pony up, not to mention the fact that New York is an absolute killer of shows due to the monstrous sums of money it takes to film there.

It just wasn't happening. NBC was hemmhoraging money, and needed a surefire hit from the get-go. Let's see how Sisto does now that he's joined "L&O." (What a coinkydink.)

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #106 (5.6 million viewers)

Fun Fact: NBC tried a bold new marketing strategy by placing the show's pilot on Netflix a month in advance to spread the good word. Suffice it to say, it didn't work. And look, what other show did they try this on? "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," another one that won't be making it to next season. It did work for "Heroes," but one out of three is very much bad.

Pop Art: Rescue Me

2007-06-05T14:49:00.000-07:00

There it is--one of the best advertisements for TV I've ever seen. Managing to be both terrifying and absolutely heartwrenching, this image tells you everything you need to know about FX's hard-edged New York firefighter show. I came upon it while flipping through the pages of the admittedly soft journalist pop culture rag Entertainment Weekly, and immediately had the entirety of the previous three seasons flash before my eyes: the sadness of the post-9/11 world in which Tommy Gavin (Denis Leary) and his coworkers struggle though each day and its damning effect on their very souls, the bigoted, misogynist and racist anti-heroes at war with nobody but themselves.

It's the simplest publicity campaign so far for the show, which usually involves Tommy falling off a burning building in full firefighter gear, smirking at his fate, one that bears the burden for his fallen comrades. This is different. This is stripped down and raw, radiating rage and carnal energy. The monster inside all of us. At the end of the last season, he has just lost his brother, his family has all but abandoned him, and he has been drugged and left for dead by his deceased cousin's widow in a burning building, threatening to engulf everything he's worked for in order to start a new life. I'd look like that, too.

Absolutely powerful, FX.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 11

2007-06-05T01:14:00.000-07:00

IDENTITY

Synopsis: Coolest motherfucking magician on the face of the planet Penn Jillette--whose daughter's name is Moxie Crimefighter (best name in the world)--hosts this game show where he literally puts 12 people on pedestals and asks contestants to correctly identify their identity for cash prizes.

What Worked: This was kind of a gnarly show. Let's put aside the fact that I know a production assistant who worked on the show (and was subsequently promoted, though I don't know to what position), but this was a good game show that at least took a little bit more skill than simple fifth grade statistics and picking random briefcases. You had to understand people, what made them who they were, and finding little miniscule details about their person that lent you the answer to their true identity. The identity is "shark-bite victim?" Look for how their clothes are placed. "Elementary school teacher"? Look at their eyes, for that's where the stress of teaching third grade resides.

It was also amusing to an ungodly amount where you as a pop culture aficionado (or maybe it's just me and my close friends) absolutely know the identity of a certain person, and the contestant does not. This includes Stan Lee, "Top Model" Caridee English, the Moviefone guy, etc. When former New Kid on the Block Jordan Knight lasted the entirety of his episode without being identified (I believe the contestant lost before they got a chance), I was 95% certain he would have gone home that night and killed himself in depression, but alas this was not the case.

There's also the #1 reason why I liked this show: Penn Jillette. I don't think enough people know it, but I have a strong obsession with magicians. I absolutely love every single one of them that has the competence and confidence (whee, rhyming) to do their shit with absolute finesse. It's only natural: film is basically an illusion at 24 frames per second--look at me ripping off Godard and Neil Burger in the same fucking sentence--so why should I neglect magic itself? Jillette is my favorite of these, along with his mute pal Teller, for treating their trade as both art and entertainment, as well as a teaching device. They are the ones who tend to explain their tricks, which is oddly not frustrating at all. I'd rather them tell me how they made a fucking submarine disappear from underwater in the Bahamas (they used a helicopter) than David Copperfield hide the fact that he made the Statue of Liberty disappear by covering it up with FOG MACHINES! And this isn't even mentioning the stellar Showtime series "Penn & Teller's Bullshit" where the two act as probably the most logical investigative reporters in television history.

Yes, I'm a goddamn media whore. Jillette's presence on this show makes everything 800X better. Sue me. I'm going to really miss this guilty pleasure.

What Didn't Work: Stevi would like me to mention that she refers to this show, which she did still very much enjoy, as "Shit I Did Last Week." She (and me to a much lesser extent) felt that the title "Identity" was sometimes a misnomer, as something that happened in a person's life (that person being one of the 12 on a pedestal) did not necessarily indicate their true identity. The "shark-bite victim" previously mentioned is an example, as are people who have their IQs/SAT scores listed as their identity, or people who had heart transplants in the past, et cetera et cetera. This was mildly annoying, but not as much as...

...my gameshow hatred of a contestant automatically losing because of one wrong answer. Now, in the first half of the game, the contestant was allowed one wrong answer, which was pretty sweet. They were also allowed to narrow down their choices (like on "Millionaire" where the four choices were whittled down to two, even though that would 90% of the time be the two answers the contestant was ALREADY CONSIDERING) and ask a "panel of experts" (body language expert, FBI dude and psychologist), but this still bothered me. I know the design of the show is to get people to use their damn smarts to identify the 12 people, and I saw at least three contestants win the big prize (half a million, I believe), but I will automatically be opposed to a show where one wrong answer equals termination.

Overall Series: 7.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #90 (6.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: David Blaine is an asshole. And not a magician. Fuck him. And thus concludes the first of this series I wrote drunk. I think it's noticeable.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 10

2007-06-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

ANDY BARKER, P.I.

Synopsis: A newly relocated accountant (Andy Richter, "...Controls the Universe") finds that his new office was once the headquarters for a private eye (Harve Presnell, "Fargo"), and takes on the bizarre cases that literally walk through his door.

What Worked: As usual, Richter himself. Since his departure from "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" (who is also a producer on this show), he's struggled with ratings for his own shows, but he has always been a top-notch comedic actor, whose power lies in the fact that he underplays everything so much that he comes off not as an actor, but as a friend that happens to be on television. A lot of very strange things happened on this show, and it was approached
with a very hard-to-identify kind of nonchalance that made the show original and different.

The cases always had a fucked-up twist to them, but they also gave the show a lighthearted shrug quality that seemed to intentionally alienate viewers used to CSI zooms and body wounds and shit. The cases weren't the point, but the quirks of the individual characters, such as the sudden violence of Presnell's character or the drier-than-a-desert delivery of Richter's secretary or the so-horny-as-to-be-creepy vibe of video store clerk Tony Hale ("Arrested Development").

What Didn't Work: Honestly, though, I was very confused when this show got all the praise it did, especially from Ain't It Cool News' Herc, who declared it the funniest show he'd ever seen. I smiled more than giggled, and I only got one big belly laugh out of the entire series. (Andy is investigating a chicken meatpacking conspiracy, and during a footchase scene he grabs a stray chicken, puts it in a warehouse and assures the chicken that it'll be safe. As he closes the door, it is labeled "Chicken Slaughterhouse.")

The rest of the time, the nonchalance I praised the show for also was a tad too forced, as I stopped caring about the cases altogether. That's fine, but it made the plot-heavy sequences kind of pointless, as if the writers are just treading water until they can come up with another weird joke about "an emergency thermos of bisque."

Why Not Enough Viewers Watched: Say it with me.

1. No laugh track.

2. Weird, difficult and quirky humor.

3. No bankable stars.

4. Bad advertising.

I was also extremely put off that the best episode of the series, "The Lady Varnishes" starring the absolutely hilarious Amy Sedaris, was only available online. Way to believe in a show from your future "Tonight Show" host, NBC.

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #112 (5.4 million viewers)

Fun Fact: I am mildly glad that the show isn't around anymore for one very particular reason. Now that series regular Marshall Manesh is not attached to the show, he can appear as often as he fucking wants on "How I Met Your Mother" as taxi/limo driver Ranjit!

"Hit it, Ranjit!"

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 9

2007-06-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

20 GOOD YEARS

Synopsis: Two aging friends, a judge (Jeffrey Tambor) and a doctor (John Lithgow), face mid-life crises and decide to move in together in an attempt to recapture their youth and finally experience the titular amount of time.

What Worked: In an effort to grab a viewing demographic often neglected by the networks (basically anything above age 35), NBC tried its hand at something old-fashioned and morose in the world of modern sitcoms.

What Didn't Work: Who am I kidding? Of the 25-or-so new shows in the 2006-2007 television season I watched, this was by far the worst. How Tambor and Lithgow can go from "Arrested Development" and "Third Rock From the Sun" (one of which is already a comedy classic, the other a warm reminder of the sitcom heyday of the 1990s) to this utterly despicable piece of shit absolutely boggles my mind. There must have been a really big paycheck involved for each of them, because otherwise these two savvy and very dependable character actors should be completely ashamed. There was not one laugh in this absolute bummer of a show, and this judgement is coming from someone who even found something to like in "Date Movie."

There is a good premise here, no question. Some of my favorite stories, be they TV, film or literature, involve people whose quests for personal contentment and happiness are sacrificed due to decisions made either for their struggles at the time or for the benefit of others, and their last-minute attempts to find that spirit again, start anew, become a new person. It's a simple concept to which absolutely everyone can relate, and it gives its main character(s) a strong amount of empathy other characters in other stories have problems attaining from the viewer/reader/listener.

So what the hell happened here? Why did I despise both characters, why was this show greenlighted, and why was I so pleased when the show was canceled after, I believe, two episodes, even though it might have spelled disaster for the other half of that NBC hour that belonged to "30 Rock"?

What a disaster.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Really, it wasn't anything in the above rant, about how offended I was by the piss-poor execution of a worthy premise or the great actors, because regular viewers have given plenty of time to lousy shows with the exact same problems. I think it falls more under the mentioned aversion of the show toward the 18-34 demographic and the current failure of nearly every sitcom on network television. This show was put out of its misery very quickly, and I'm not sure if people even remember it airing in the first place.

Overall Series: 1 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #106 (5.6 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Tambor sort of considered the cancellation of "Arrested Development" a blessing in disguise, as it allowed him to accept this role that he originally had to turn down to due a prior engagement with one of the funniest shows of all time! Somebody was drunk, it seems.

Where I've been...

2007-06-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

Holy shit, that was scary. After neglecting the power source to my PowerBook G4, it, of course, turned off due to lack of battery. Upon restarting, most of my saved passwords at any number of websites went bye-bye, including this here one for Blogger. Now, since Blogger has updated all of its nifty little features, users have had to upgrade to having a gmail account, and I for the life of me had no idea what that username and password were. They weren't my normal ones, so what the fuck did I do when I signed up in the first place?

Here I am promising daily updates, and I go three days with nuthin'.

Je suis desole.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : What Have We Learned So Far?

2007-06-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

Indeed, in three bullet points, what have we learned?

ABC does not like bizarre, non-laugh track comedies.
Despite the presence of "Lost," ABC just can't handle high-concept serialized dramas.
ABC likes hour-long dramedies aimed toward women.

Shows Marcus knows absolutely nothing about, that are also canceled:

"According to Jim"
"Extreme Makeover"
"The George Lopez Show"
"The Great American Vote"

The next TV-driven article, before tackling all of this again with NBC, will be looking toward the future for ABC. What looks good? What looks like shite? What won't last past six episodes?

Also, I will save discussing the last ABC-canceled show, "What About Brian?", for later, because that was a truly special show, near to my heart, and I need some time to process its demise.

Until then...

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 8

2007-05-31T12:43:00.000-07:00

THE KNIGHTS OF PROSPERITY

Synopsis: A gang of ragamuffin working class New Yorkers band together and decide to, what else, rob Mick Jagger.

What Worked: Of all the canceled sitcoms from the 2006-2007 season, this one stings the most. From David Letterman's Worldwide Pants production company, this was a truly off-the-wall, completely insane non-laugh track comedy (man, there are a lot of those in this series) that was so sure of itself it was intimidating to aspiring comedy writers (yo). No show this year made me laugh like an idiot more, while concurrently having me stare at it in utter disbelief, that the producers/writers thought that the HBO level of wit this show possessed was ever going to catch on at ABC. Pop culture references, Jew jokes, and a hot illegal immigrant Latina (the lovely Sofia Vergara) who mispronounced English words in ways that didn't even make sense all added up into this weird comic clusterfuck.

With the most various ensemble on a network sitcom, it included VH1 mainstay Donal Logue, comedian Maz Jobrani and the extremely talented and very ubiquitous (second time I've used that word this week!) Kevin Michael Richardson. Richardson specifically created Rockefeller Butts, probably the funniest character on television after Neil Patrick Harris' Barney on "How I Met Your Mother," by relying on very subtle and sardonic timing, along with the deepest voice this side of Barry White. He made the show his bitch. Seriously, all the episodes are on ABC.com. There's only a dozen, so it's worth your time.

The show garnered most of its laughs from the incredibly ill-advised ways they planned to invade said Rolling Stones lead singer's fortress of a New York apartment, which at one point involved Richardson taking on the persona of Reginald Van Hoogstraten to get a job as Jagger's bodyguard. If that name doesn't make you laugh, this might not have been the show for you.

"The Knights of Prosperity" also had the best theme song of the year. Seriously, go to ABC.com. The flash player for their episodes is the best of the Big Four. You owe it to yourself to at least check it out.

What Didn't Work: After about eight episodes, the writers seemed to run out of steam, and the Mick Jagger theft idea kind of fell apart. After a combination of a botched robbery, being stuck in Jagger's panic room and the presence of South American mob lord Bobby Cannavale, they decided to no longer rob him. They instead set their sights on Kelly Ripa, at least until Logue's character fell in love with her, and they decided instead to rob Ray Romano. And then the show ended. Huh?

Why Not Enough People Watched: Again, a bizarre premise, witty jokes and no laugh track equals no interest. I don't like to say that the American public is stupid when it comes to watching television, but for every great show that succeeds ("The Office," "Heroes"), dozens of original programs just don't get the attention they deserve.

Seriously, though, Worldwide Pants only had one hit on their hands. It just happened to last nine years, and involved some guy called Raymond. Their other major show, "Ed," was never a runaway success, and lasted four years more for its loyal but small audience instead of real network wish fulfillment.

Overall Series: 9 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #117 (5 million viewers)

Fun Fact: It's no secret, but the original title of the show was "Let's Rob Mick Jagger," which was shortened to "Let's Rob...," until the suits decided that both titles wasn't to their liking, and chose the interesting but forgettable current title.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 7

2007-05-30T18:09:00.000-07:00

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

Synopsis: Four depressed thirtysomethings who were all classmates in high school find their lives entwined and realize they fucked up somewhere along the way toward general happiness.

What Worked: Good Lord was this a bizarre show. I wasn't entirely sure I was going to be tuning in, despite the presence of likable actors such as Jonathan Silverman ("The Single Guy") and Greg Germann ("Ally McBeal"), until I saw that the pilot was directed by John Favreau ("Swingers"). Now, I know that this show would be a far cry from his recent Hollywood outings such as "Elf," "Zathura" (great movie if you have a chance) and the upcoming "Iron Man." Instead, it would harken closer to his disaster of a film "Very Bad Things." Now, that film is kind of terrible, but it's also completely haphazard and unforgettable, so it seemed he could have an eye for the small screen. (Yes, I know that Peter Berg directed "VBT" and Favreau only acted, but I'd like to think Favreau is involved by proxy.)

That's basically what it turned out to be, very haphazard, not at all likable, but still kind of hard to ignore. Only in this show would they have Kelly Hu play a former valedictorian who now jacks men off at Asian massage parlors to get ahead, and have it seem funny that self-help guru Germann tries to binge-eat himself to death after his wife makes off with all of his money.

I don't think the show was very funny, more amusingly depressing, but I tuned in week after week, fascinated by a sort of new direction for ABC sitcom--the pity comedy. By the time David Carradine made an appearance as a cult leader who brainwashes women, I knew I was in for something quite interesting.

I did, however, enjoy Silverman's constant need to burgle from his ex-wife whenever he visited. It didn't make a whole lot of sense, and the character himself was baffled at his own neurosis, but it had this kind of rhythm and nonchalance that really cracked me up.

What Didn't Work: It's all kind of been spelled out already. The show was very very very weird and very very very pathetic. They ran out of steam very quickly, and the subplot regarding the suicidal David Arquette ("Scream") and his crush on a soon-to-be-married doctor never worked, but it was still better than critics said.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Bad placement by a network that never gave it proper promotion, combined with, well, everything I've already said sent it to the sitcom graveyard very quickly.

Overall Series: 5.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #119 (4.8 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Uh...I just got a job for July.

Adventures in Pop Culture Vocabulary: Mike Figgis Edition

2007-05-30T02:02:00.000-07:00

Here is my favorite story of the week. If anything, he should have been arrested for his terrible interpretation of "Miss Julie."

From Cinematical:

I'm not exactly sure how the word "pilot" came to mean "initial episode of a TV show," but it's definitely a part of the general lexicon by now. "Did you watch that new series called People on an Island?" is what I might ask you, and your response very well could be "Yeah, I watched the pilot but I couldn't get into it." So you understand the word "pilot" in this context, right? Good. Maybe you should get a job at Los Angeles International Airport.

It's funny because I'm kind of surprised it hasn't happened before: Director Mike Figgis was going through security at LAX when he was asked the reason for his visit. "I'm here to shoot a pilot," was his response. Obviously he meant "I'm here to shoot the first episode of a TV series that may or may not be picked up for broadcast distribution," but what the immigration official thought he meant was "I'm here to shoot an airplane pilot with a gun." Yikes! The director of Leaving Las Vegas, Timecode and Internal Affairs was then detained for about five hours until immigration officials could get online and figure out that, yep, "pilot" has more than one meaning.

Good thing the immigration officers didn't ask him about his body of work. Figgis' answer might have been "I recently made a huge bomb."

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 6

2007-05-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

SIX DEGREES

Synopsis: The lives of six strangers in New York City come together through coincidences and interlocking story fragments.

What Worked: Yeah, sounds like a boring show, huh? Not necessarily. While this particular J.J. Abrams concoction didn't have superspies or nanobot black clouds, it had a few very good things going for it. Firstly, I have to commend Abrams for once again finding a perfect laid-back tone that was warm and inviting, an attitude he also brought to personal favorites "Felicity" and "What About Brian?" (more on the latter in a few days). He never shows all his cards and allows these shows to evolve naturally, changing direction at a moment's notice. This may sound like a haphazard way to guide a show, and in a way it is, but to me it keeps everything fresh and involved.

Second on that list is the A-level ensemble, which included Hope Davis ("American Splendor") as a grieving widow of a war correspondent, Campbell Scott ("Singles") as a divorced alcoholic photographer, and the likes of Jay Hernandez ("Hostel"), Erika Christensen ("Traffic"), Bridget Moynahan ("The Recruit") and Dorian Missick ("Lucky Number Slevin"). While the intersecting stories sometimes tried to hard to mimick "Crash" (not the awesome Cronenberg movie, but that lame Haggis one that just happened to win an Oscar for best picture), it never steered into melodrama, and credit has to be given to the cast for trusting in their instincts and playing it as true as possible.

This was a show about second chances, about having faith in those around you, about never saying "die." Unfortunately, ABC didn't follow any of the themes and dropped it after only showing six of the 14 episodes.

What Didn't Work: Well, not much really happened on the show. Everything was set up in the pilot, and the six characters quickly connecting in a fun little "Magnolia" way very quickly, but after that where is there to go? The show found more and more ways to create new combinations of these characters, but sometimes forgot to get into the souls of the people. It was mildly frustrating, but not even remotely bad.

Why Not Enough People Watched: It's all laid out pretty well above. Not enough happened quickly enough, and after about two episodes the audience just went away. Unable to capitalize on the post-"Grey's Anatomy" spot, it withered away into nothingness, based on its quality that some would consider lackadaisical.

In a lot of ways, ABC was smart in canceling this. Save for HBO shows, one of the "CSI" craptaculars, "Rescue Me" and the one "Law & Order" version that's not struggling for ratings (that would be the one about pedophiles and rapists going head-to-head with that scary fucker from "Oz" and the daughter of Jayne Mansfield), it is a very bad idea to film in New York. It is always too expensive, it always yields shows Middle America doesn't care about, and it always gets canceled. First chance they got, the suits let this go.

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #68 (8.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: This was San Francisco Chronicle TV writer Tim Goodman's favorite pilot of the season. Also, it was designed originally for WB, where I think it may have lasted a full season, but nothing more.

The Lamented Death of Reilly

2007-05-28T19:42:00.001-07:00

As you can see from the above picture, no, I'm not talking about the recent death of TV personality Charles Nelson Reilly, although I hold a very small place in my heart for the reruns of "Match Game" I happen to catch every now and then after midnight on GSN.

No, I'm talking about the recent ousting of Kevin Reilly as president of NBC entertainment. While I am not prone to discussing the revolving door that is network television chief status as much as I am about the shows and ratings themselves, I felt that upon reading this news today from zap2it.com that I had to address the situation. See, I really liked Reilly. I liked what he stood for and how he handled some truly dire matters about the network. When he came on board to the network, they were already in fourth place among the Big Four, and it was his job to solve this calamity. Unlike what you'd expect anyone in his position to do (more low-end reality shows and cop dramas) he took a different route.

One of the great quotes from him came from the beginning of the 2006-2007 season upon choosing some very high-risk, expensive and esoteric shows to fill out the new schedule. He proclaimed that NBC's new policy was to create great shows first, as opposed to predestined hits. He was, in a great deal of ways, about bringing quality television to the masses, having come from helping greatly in establishing FX as a network that took chances with complex and controversial shows, and seemed a good fit with the new network. Did it succeed? Not exactly. NBC is still fourth place, and some of his shows bit the dust real hard, but he has a wonderful quality about him: tenacity.

Sure, Steve MacPherson over at ABC has also championed some truly wonderful and underrated shows, but he never had the guts to stick with them, allowing such gems as "Sons & Daughters," "Invasion" and "What About Brian?" to go the way of the dinosaurs instead of allowing them to find their audience. Reilly was different. He brought us "My Name Is Earl" and "The Office," and lauded them through some so-so ratings which still hold up to this day. He treats them like comedy royalty, and the people are slowly starting to catch on. These aren't dumb comedies, and in a lot of ways they are truly special. Same goes for "30 Rock" and the continuing support for "Scrubs," which will now enter its seventh year of very low ratings.

I appreciate him most for the "30 Rock" save, allowing it to blossom into a great and uproarious show, and believing in its potential early on. Same goes for the renewal of "Friday Night Lights," the best new show of the season and perhaps one of the greatest TV shows I've ever seen that just happened to hemmhorage ratings each week. Great shows first, ratings later.

I will always rue the day that he decided to not renew "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," but I'm slowly understanding why it just couldn't exist in this modern television climate.

The world of television grew a little bit darker today. Quality will always peek through every once in a while at the Big Four, but it's going to be a hell of a lot harder.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 5

2007-05-28T18:06:00.000-07:00

SHOW ME THE MONEY

Synopsis: The ubiquitous William Shatner hosted this trivia game show, in which people would gain or lose money based on both the correctness of their answer (duh), and what money amount is inside these futuristic-looking scrolls held by who was obviously Shatner's harem.

What Worked: Quite a bit. As far as modern game shows go ("1 vs. 100," "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire," "Deal or No Deal") this was above and beyond my favorite one. My idea of a great game show is "Win Ben Stein's Money," one that really relied on your knowledge and common sense, and not this bullshit picking random cases which takes no thought at all. (Not that I don't catch "DOND" every once in a while and enjoy it, but it's not my cup of tea.) While the game could be considered a little complicated, it boiled down to knowing your trivia and moving along naturally in the game. There was none of this new-TV bullshit where if you get one question wrong, you're out. I honestly can't stand that. Like "Jeopardy," but without those pesky other contestants, you lost money with incorrect answers but still had a chance to bounce back.

The questions on this show, also, spread themselves out into all fields, going from pop culture to politics very easily, as opposed to completely random and unimportant facts that nobody has a right to know ("Millionaire" was the worst at this). This is finally a show I felt like I could be on and not suck out loud.

Shatner himself made the show as enjoyable as it was. Here was this absolutely insane man having the time of his life, randomly dancing for no reason and sometimes all-out mocking the contestant without seeming like a total jackass. His energy wasn't smarmy (Howie Mandel) or seemingly bored (Bob Saget), but more someone who (and this is Shatner to a T) seemed to be struggling onto their last bout at pop culture legend status. It was fascinating.

Also, the women who held the scrolls containing the amount of money you were to win/lose upon the answering of the question were of special importance. Now, in such shows as "DOND," the "ladies" of the show seem to be struggling actresses/models who are using this opportunity to eke by along the prime-time television casting pool one step at a time. On "Show Me the Money," however, the women were clearly strippers to whom Shatner owed a lot of money. How else to explain the poledances that preceded every single commercial break?

What Didn't Work: The "Killer Card" was the only thing I truly hated about this show. After answering a question and picking one of the scroll-wielding strippers, there was a 1-in-20 chance (or however many strippers were out there) that they held the "Killer Card," which would automatically end your game unless you answered the next question correctly. This was just a way for the show to seem more like their cruel brethren, and it didn't fit the optimistic nature of the show.

Why Not Enough People Watched: The show's rules couldn't be explained in one easy sentence, which is always a struggle for any new game show. Try the Wikipedia article for a better explanation than I could muster up. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show_Me_the_Money_(US_game_show)).

Ironically, though, it was the show's simplicity that did it in. There was no goofy new idea, like the statistics of "DOND" or that sweet wall of 100 in "1 vs. 100," or the fun little celebrities on "Identity." It was just a good old fashioned trivia show with some bells and whistles.

It had no chance.

Overall Series: 8 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #79 (7.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Reruns and the few unaired episodes will air on the Game Show Network (GSN) very very soon. Catch them if you can.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 4

2007-05-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

THE NINE

Synopsis: A bank robbery goes haywire over two terrifying days, affecting the lives of nine of those involved.

What Worked: Very, very little. This is the first show on this list to get the Media Whore Stamp of Astronomical Disapproval (the SAD to you), and one of the few shows from the 2006-2007 I outright despised. It had a good premise, I'll give you that. Looking back on a botched robbery to see what went wrong, who double-crossed whom and the buried secrets exposed sounded like a sweet idea. There was quite a cast involved, including Chi McBride ("Boston Public"), Tim Daly ("Wings") and Kim Raver (Audrey Raines on "24"). Serialized dramas were making a comeback, at least in the pilot stage, and this went along with the networks' bold new strategy that treated the audience with some respect.

What Didn't Work: Oh man. The show decided to go a different route than the natural idea (at least, naturally to me. Instead of pulling a "24" and dealing with the crime in a near-real time basis (22 episodes, each representing about two hours, would have made for a nail-biting show), the program decided to focus on what happened AFTER the robbery, and how people were coping with the shock, the publicity and the already-mentioned revelations. Boo-fucking-hoo. We were treated each episode to victims asking what it all meant, why they had to be there, and what they learned from being held at gunpoint. It's TV. Show it, don't say it.

As far as the well-chosen ensemble went, the only character I had any sympathy for was the schlubby office clerk Egan (character actor John Billingsley) who took the hero status from the robbery and decided to change his life for the better. Instead of wining, he tried to take the show in a new direction, one where nobody else seemed interested in venturing.

I did appreciate doctor Scott Wolf's ("Everwood") final decision to kill off one of the criminals in his own hospital by poisoning him, but it was too little, too late.

Why Not Enough People Watched: People give shows like "Lost" and "Jericho" shit for not giving us enough answers in each episode, but "The Nine" was one that had no answers for us. Absolutely zero. If I get bored with a TV show, and I mean truly struggle hitting the Play button on my TiVo remote, you KNOW America has already done the same. It didn't even last 10 episodes.

Overall Series: 2 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #72 (8.1 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Camille Guaty, who played Franny Rios on the show, joined so after quitting her supporting character on "Prison Break" as Maricruz, Sucre's beloved finacee, being the second person to leave said "PB" character behind. They were to replace her with a third actress, but the cancellation of "The Nine" allowed her to return in 2007.

He's My Friend, and a Whole Lot More...

2007-05-26T23:33:00.000-07:00

Some time near the end of my six weeks in Boston, I was in the Campus MovieFest van, a.k.a. Big P, with Vijay, Stace and DAQ, on our way to the M.I.T. finale. Somehow the topic of old cartoon shows came up. Moments later, DAQ randomly started singing a verse of something from my childhood. Something I've mostly blocked.

"Denver, the last dinosaur. He's my friend, and a whole lot more."
"Denver, the last dinosaur. He's my friend, and a whole lot more."
"Denver, the last dinosaur. He's my friend, and a whole lot more."

This is, of course, from the short-lived 80s cartoon show "Denver: The Last Dinosaur," which told the tale of a surviving green dinosaur who skateboarded and played guitar in a kids rock band.

All in all, something we all need in our lives.

I thought posting it would give me a little more to work with than just those two lines that were on a continuous loop in my head ever since early April when DAQ first uttered the phrase, but alas, it's just making it worse. And so I've spread it like a virus. Muhahahaha...

Berkeley, Je T'Aime

2007-05-26T21:53:00.000-07:00

It takes a very special place in the United States, one that is not located within the limits of a major metropolitan city, to have a movie like "Paris Je T'Aime" nearly pack the entire theatre at the local cinema.

The film, which just happens to be adorned with my favorite poster of 2007 thus far, is a compilation of short films about Paris made by some of the best international directors around. It's uneven and about 1/4 of the shorts are a little forgetful, but to have any kind of experimental film trumpeted on this, the weekend of the "Pirates 3" behemoth, is a real treat.

God, I love it here.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 3

2007-05-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

HELP ME HELP YOU

Synopsis: Ted Danson plays a group therapist to a bunch of crazy whackos while dealing with his own difficult life, including an estranged wife (Jane Kaczmarek from "Malcolm in the Middle") who has just left him for Tom Wilson, a.k.a. Biff from "Back to the Future."

What Worked: This laugh track-free, improv-based comedy had a remarkably high quirk factor that ultimately led to its downfall. Surrounding himself with some of the best names in improvised comedy, this show worked its way into my better graces, despite some terrible sitcom-my subplots, by relying on the small idiosyncracies of the characters and not wacky madness at every turn. Each week we would learn more about Danson's core therapy group and why they are, in fact, all insane. The stand-out was the spunky Suzy Nakamura ("Curb Your Enthusiasm") who was an agoraphobe with little luck in love. The best episode focused on her home life, when upon meeting with her internet blind date and finding out it was a teenage boy (the son from "Sons & Daughters," to drop another improvised TV sitcom into the mix), she chooses to embrace him and his friends and bond over videogames and junk food.

The rest of the main group were interesting to watch, but what really made the show a haven for comedy nerds were the constant appearances by quasi-famous improv actors of whom you would have to have a working knowledge in order to realize why their mere appearance is enough to garner a few chuckles. This would include Jane Lynch and Judd Apatow (respectively a supporting character and the writer/director of "The 40-Year-Old Virgin"), Jonathan Katz ("Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist") and Toby Huss (while an accomplished comedian and voice-over artist in such shows as "Reno 911" and "King of the Hill," is probably best known to my readers as Stumpy on "Carnivale").

The show also gave me one of the biggest laughs of the year, when in the pilot Danson tries to get revenge on car salesman Tom Wilson by attempting to break his car windows with a golf club, only to find that the car's windows are too strong for his swing, resulting in him commenting something akin to "That's really a nice car."

What Didn't Work: I hate to say this, but Jane Kaczmarek. It's no secret that "Malcolm in the Middle" is one of my favorite comedies of all time, but she was completely wasted on this particular show. To go from Lois, uber-TV mother, to this shrill cipher was insulting to her talents.

Another member of the ensemble, Jere Burns ("Max Headroom"), was saddled with a completely terrible and unlikable character, a hot shot big wig with anger issues who would go so far as to fire an employee for beating his high score on a cell phone game. The character was a misstep, even during his scenes with a fellow group member with whom he was having an affair.

A couple times, the show lost some of its energy and a couple episodes seem like placeholders as a result. It bounced back, but I might have been the only one who noticed.

And, in retrospect, the show wasn't as funny as I thought it was when it was on.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Too quirky. Seriously. The general public like their Ted Danson in lame "Becker" reruns, not as a smart but complicated therapist, and to group him with a bunch of great improv actors just wasn't going to bring in the big numbers. It did gain a bit of ratings when put in the after-"Dancing-With-the-Stars" spot, but that never lasts more than a couple weeks in most instances. (Don't tell that to "Til Death," which only survived because it paired up with "AI" results a few times. Oh, and it was the only new Fox show of the 2006-2007 season that hadn't been canceled already.)

Overall Series: 7 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #65 (8.4 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Tom Wilson is now a semi-popular comedian, and his MySpace can be found here: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=95021732

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 2

2007-05-25T15:32:00.000-07:00

DAY BREAK

Synopsis: Taye Diggs ("Rent") plays as renowned Los Angeles cop who is framed for the death of an assistant district attorney. Catch is: he is reliving the same day over-and-over, "Groundhog Day" style, until he can uncover the conspiracy and figure out why he is being given this repeated chance to clear his name.

What Worked: Pretty damn near everything. This was a show for the ages, a taut, imaginative thriller with a supernatural twist that greatly rewarded attentive viewers with small details that grew into a whole lot of fun. Never taking itself too seriously, this loopy premise worked wonders by keeping it set strictly in a real world (no "Quantum Leap" madness) that didn't give the Diggs character, or the audience, any chance to breath. It was a fast-paced, violent, intelligent and entertaining mindfuck of the highest order, helped along by the fact that it was designed to begin and end its entire story within a 13-episode miniseries.

The show dealt with the constant struggle to not only prove his innocence, but also save the lives of many of those around him, including girlfriend Moon Bloodgood ("Pathfinder"), his ex-partner Adam Baldwin ("Firefly"), his sister's family and his informant. There were multiple plot strands threatening to collapse at any moment, but the show was savvy enough to juggle them effortlessly.

Not only was it a blast to see Diggs have to continually learn new tricks in order to survive and take information he gathered the day before and use them to his advantage the next day, but also deal with the bizarre fact that, unlike in Bill Murray's situation, injuries he garnered one day would continue onto the next, therefore making death in any day an endgame.

What Didn't Work: Absolutely nothing, save for the fact that this 13-episode miniseries, designed to cover up the "Lost" hiatus on ABC, was canceled after the sixth episode, making this a major blue balls network decision. Why it couldn't play out is beyond me. The remaining episodes are available on ABC.com, but I'll wait for the DVD set to devour with my mother.

Why Not Enough People Watched: We come back to the whole "serialized series are risky" explanation, especially when it comes to a midseason replacement. At this point, viewers were already juggling "Heroes," "Lost" and even recent casualty "Jericho," so a new series, one with such a batshit crazy premise, was lost on the casual viewer. It was too smart and too sly for its own good.

Taye Diggs has also not proven to be a draw, either on the big or small screen. His last show, "Kevin Hill," didn't make it past its first season, and it's hard to carry a show when nobody really cares. He is a charismatic actor and I wish the best for him, but network TV may not be the answer. Try HBO.

Overall Series: 9.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #85 (6.6 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Adam Baldwin is another show killer, having been in the cult classic series flop "Firefly" (which, of course, spun-off to the mini-flop of a film "Serenity") as well as the summer burnoff show from 2005 "The Inside." "The Visitor" and "The Cape," both from the mid-to-late 90s, also lasted only one season, and the fact that I hadn't heard of either is definitely a bad sign.

'Tis Lousy to Have Loved and Lost... : 2006-2007's TV Casualties Part 1

2007-05-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

I think I'm at about the safest distance possible from last week's network television's upfronts, where ABC/NBC/FOX/CBS announce their new schedules. More importantly, however, they are there to destroy the stories that have made up my prime-time life since last September. It happens every year, and it doesn't sting any less. Sure, there's a crop of lousy shows that bit the dust, but as we all know creativity is hard to come by in Hollywood, and the combination of Neilsen ratings and the big-wigs don't make it any easier to say goodbye to some special programs.

I say safest distance because it's enough days after the bad news to not feel extreme anger and resentment toward each and every network for their misdeeds, but not too far away that I feel it's not worth even bothering talking about said shows.

I'll hopefully dedicate one blog a day and briefly dissect a show that is leaving the airwaves, why it worked, why it didn't, why it failed to return and an overall rating for its season.

I'll start with ABC, using Zap2It.com's trusty list.

BIG DAY

Synopsis: Sort of like "24" except a half-hour comedy about the one day surrounding a wedding where absolutely nothing goes right.

What Worked: What could have been gimmicky and cliched ended up being...kind of gimmicky and cliched. But it also had this infectious attitude that was optimistic even in the face of extreme pathetic mayhem. The main couple, Josh Cooke ("Four Kings") and my middle-school TV crush Marla Sokoloff ("The Practice") had a wonderful give-and-take that had a sort of realism in a way that, say, they survived off their inside jokes and mutual respect, despite their wildly different backgrounds.

The ensemble really helped with that overall groovy feeling of the show, from the rich and bickering bride's parents played by Wendie Malick ("Just Shoot Me") and Kurt Fuller ("Wayne's World") to new-age guru father of the groom Stephen Tobolowsky ("Groundhog Day"). Each found a way to overact without going into self-parody, giving the show (along with the mostly house-based setting) a very welcoming theatrical quality.

The standout, however, was the gorgeous maid-of-honor Miriam Shor (Yitzhak in "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"), who proved herself a very talented comedienne who kept her wits about her and acted as a sort of vantage point for the viewer, aghast at the shenanigans thrown around the show. Her rapport with best man and relative newcomer Stephen Rannazzisi was fresh and free from sitcom crap, and their eventual marriage to each other (based on a very extreme game of "dare") seemed a better story arc than the central marriage. I can't wait to see her again in next season's "Swingtown."

What Didn't Work: Yeah, it's those aforementioned shenanigans that ultimately wore down the viewer. It's understandable that in this type of absurd comedy, you need to stack the decks against the character, but sometimes it was just too much. When the main characters began a turf war with a neighboring wedding, the show turned into "Meatballs Part II," and that is not a good thing. The high-strung wedding planner Stephnie Weir ("Mad TV") kept everything amusing for as long as she could, and I'd be glad to watch her in another series, but the lengths Malick's character went to humiliate and dominate Weir ended up a shriek-filled mess.

The two main characters, in the second-to-last episode, decide to hell with the wedding and run off to God knows where, but end up having a change of heart and returning to the ceremony, only to have it rudely interrupted by a hysterical estranged friend of the family. That was the last episode. No actual vows were exchanged, and that bothered me to no end. In the 2006-2007 season, there were plenty of shows that allowed themselves to have a good one-season arc in case they were cancelled (as they were with "Kidnapped," "Vanished" and "Day Break," as well as returning shows "Heroes" and "Friday Night Lights") but this one screamed second season when it didn't have the right. I wouldn't have watched a second season of this anyway, despite my fondness for it. The wedding works on its own. Learn from British TV, and try for short runs.

Why Not Enough People Watched: Please. A serialized comedy about a wedding? Tough sell. They tried to pull off an original trick, but audiences aren't always savvy enough to catch something like this. Poor advertisement on ABC's watch didn't help, as the ads pretty much included all the shrieking and none of the heart the show had, along with a very telling title card that had a wedding cake blowing up.

This also continues the reign of Josh Cooke, who now joins the infamous pantheon of show killers. All three of his most recent shows on which he was a major character never made it past 12 episodes, those being "Committed" and "Four Kings," and now this. (He also appeared as a rabbi on the series finale of "King of Queens," and while that show was always ended its nine-year run that night, I'd like to think he had something to do with it.) Come, join recent additions Eric Balfour and Chyler Leigh in this corner of the TV Hall of Shame (although if Leigh's recent presence on "Grey's Anatomy" as Meredith's half-sister bodes ill for the show, she has more destructive power than the Death Star).

Overall Series: 6.5 (out of 10)

Final 2006-2007 Neilsen Rating: #116 (5.3 million viewers)

Fun Fact: Sokoloff once spoke out slightly against the chance of a second year of this show, as it would probably take place during their honeymoon and she didn't want to wear a swimsuit the entire season.

What I Did For Nigel Lythgoe: Five Reasons Why "So You Think You Can Dance" is a Better Show than "American Idol"

2007-05-23T11:24:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night marks the premiere of the third season of Fox's runaway summer hit dance show "So You Think You Can Dance," an electric set of 22 episodes that, in a way, pulls you directly into the world that is Media Whore. I've made no secret of my love of musicals, and the show my circle dubs as "Dancey Dance" (or what Stevi calls "So You Think You Wear Pants") fits right into that equation.

I give you five reasons, among many, why "Dancey Dance" is a better show than "American Idol." This is assuming that the show stuck with the voting process of the second season, a vast improvement over the first season. True, in the past I've always mentioned that "American Idol" is a great show in the way that it truly affects our future as a pop culture nation and really rallies for a voting public, and those are ways that makes "AI" better than "Dancey Dance," but for the purposes of this article, it should be noted that each show is better than the other in different ways. I know, I'm crazy.

1. "Dancey Dance," after an audition process similar to "AI"--except Hollywood week becomes Vegas week--the dancers are whittled down into a final 20 to perform and compete at a soundstage at CBS Television City right around the corner from the "AI" stage. These 20 (10 male, 10 female) are then paired together by the judges after weighing their strengths and weaknesses. Catch is, you are stuck with your partner for the first five weeks. This means it is a constant struggle in the show to not only improve week-after-week upon yourself, but to also lift your partner along with you. Sometimes the pairing can be incredibly bizarre, and often times one contestant will have to carry a contestant into the next round with all the vigor they can muster up. This makes for a remarkable challenge, both for the contestant and for the viewer, as a talented individual who, say, doesn't work well with others, can find themselves going home.

Other times, it works out in a magnificent way. Contestants will start to grab bits and pieces of energy from their partners they never had before, making them better contestants. A bond forms. (And sometimes maybe a little romance, as I thought when it came to the pairing of Natalie and Mousa.) A perfect example would be the pairing of Allison, a trained jazz dancer from Utah who has a small appearance in "High School Musical," and Ivan, an Eastern Russian immigrant who was known more as a street dancer and "pop-and-lock'er." Judges gave Ivan a lot of crap early on, as he was struggling with the very difficult material that was way out of his league and seemed to be a leech on Allison's talent. After several weeks later, however, Ivan began to pick up this wonderful contemporary vibe from Allison he sorely lacked, and she finally got some flavor into her vanilla moves. The below YouTube clip signifies their best performance. (Keep in mind, all linked videos save for one were dances that made it to the "Dancey Dance" tour, which I caught in Oakland with my mom and sister.) *choreographed by Tyce Dioro*

2. In the voting process introduced in the second season, the show differed greatly in its first half than the second half of the program's run. During the aforementioned rock-solid couplings, viewers voted for their favorite pairs. The bottom three pairs would then perform solo numbers, apart from each other, on the results show. However, the lowest scores didn't necessarily go home, as the home viewers never found out what that was. Instead, the judges would send home the couple they deemed necessary. That's right, the judges. This means that for every show between the top 20 and the top 10, there would be little chance of someone less talented eking by for weeks, or pretty much what happens every year on "AI." If they suffered, they suffered the consequences.

Better yet, the judges truly weighed that contestant's/couple's entire run of the show, going from auditions to now, so unlike "AI" a bad performance would perhaps not entirely destroy their chances of moving on in the competition. This is a breath of fresh air for those who mourn the loss of many an "AI" contestant who just had a bad week. Only one villain really existed in the second half of "Dancey Dance's" second season, Dmitriy, but he was still a very talented individual.

During the Top 10, the couples disintegrate and are randomly chosen, and the voting process turns to the viewers to eliminate individual dancers (one male, one female) each week, and at that point in the competition everyone should be at around the same level.

3. In "AI," producers and vocal coaches are indeed there to suggest songs to the contestants, but the final decision still belongs to the singer. Not so in "Dancey Dance." The judges themselves are the choreographers (save for Nigel, executive producer of both "Dancey Dance" and "AI," who is still a trained dancer), so they know what the hell they're talking about. While each has a wildly different sense of style--compare Mia Michaels' bizarre but beautiful contemporary repertoire to Mary Murphy's rigid ballroom protocals, or Dan Karaty's safe hip-pop boy band music video moves to Shane Sparks' wild and balls-out freedom that informed his choreography in "You Got Served"--they all respect each other's fields, and know how to discuss such things in detail.

4. Since the judges do the choreography (when they choreograph, they are not allowed to judge that week, but return in later weeks), they are given free reign to push the dancers to the limit. There is no pussyfooting around, and if you can't do the Cuban rumba that Alex da Silva is teaching you, you'd better believe you're going to look like a fool out there on the dance floor. This forces a contestant to not only break out of their comfort zone--true, that happens in "AI" sometimes, but even in country week singers find a way to bring it back to their strengths--but to put up or shut up. There is no lying back while your fans rally around you, because if you don't make that lift look spectacular, you're exposed. This makes for a constant flow of energy and pizzaz every single episode, and it's infectious. Admire what Ms. Michaels does to the top 10 dancers in this clip, having them find their inner spirits, make them trust that they don't look like clowns even with some borderline foolish-looking moves, and get them to connect their story to the audience.

5. I've said it before and I'll say it again: there is nothing more exciting, energetic and erotic than a great dance sequence. They get you pumped and feeling alive. They get you to move to the rhythm of life, which is indeed a powerful beat. And if done right, they get you the girl, figuratively speaking (or literally, depending on your circumstances and skills). "Dancey Dance" understands this, and isn't just a sort of reality television regurgitation for the masses. (Yes, I hate "Dancing with the Stars" with a passion.) It hits you on an emotional level on almost every occasion, something "AI" can only boast with a handful of contestants. Let's look at runner-up Travis' contemporary dance with third-place Heidi, using a song featured in one of the greatest modern movies most people have never seen, "Baghdad Cafe." *choreographed by Mia Michaels*

I've said so much about how great the show is without even mentioning the great first season the show had, or even the winner of season two, the supremely talented Benji. It's so good, I don't even have to. But I leave you with the final and unofficial sixth reason why "Dancey Dance" is better than "AI"--"AI" doesn't have zombies. *choreographed by Wade Robinson*

The 8th step of addiction recovery would be very odd in this situation

2007-05-22T23:42:00.000-07:00

So, I just voted 100 times for Jordin Sparks to win "American Idol." I know the first step of addiction recovery is admitting you have a problem, and I wholeheartedly admit that I fall under this category, but there is no part of me that wants to quit the drug that is "American Idol." Sorry.

During today's final performance night, though, one thing did strike me as incredibly awkward: Marlee Matlin was in the audience.

Don't get that clay pigeon in your hair now, y'heard?

2007-05-20T15:28:00.000-07:00

The usage proliferation of the term "skeet" in recent years has fascinated me. As we all know, or at least should know, the term came into mainstream usage with the song "Get Low" by Atlanta's Lil' Jon & the East Side Boyz, wherein we are barraged with this during the chorus:

To the window! To the wall!
Till the sweat drop down my balls (My Balls!)
All these bitches crawl (Crawl)
Y'all skeet skeet motherfuckers (Motherfuckers)
Y'all skeet skeet god damn (God Damn!!!)
Y'all skeet skeet motherfuckers (Motherfuckers)
Y'all skeet skeet god damn (God Damn!!!)

Some of us were a little confused by the term, as it is hardly put into context within the song. Dave Chappelle, on his dearly departed sketch program "Chappelle's Show," addressed the song, and then suggested that white people don't know what it means.

This is why urbandictionary.com is a great resource. I did come to learn what the term meant, but the first post in the search said something to the effect of "Something white folk don't understand and have to look up in urbandictionary.com."

Hardey-har.

A few years later, I appreciate the new top entry a great deal more.

"Skeet" is actually a form of birth control practiced by the African-American tribes of North America near the beginning of the 21st Centruy. Visionaries of the time (such as Lil Jon and Nelly) recognized the inevitable and everpresent danger of overpopulation in their land and decided to take action. They discovered an ancient form of birth control used by their ancestors that involved "pulling out and shooting" (much like skeet shooting) during sexual intercourse, as to not impregnate the female, or "biatch". The visionaries spread the word the only way they knew how: rap music. People would listen to the songs of the visionaries during ritual smoking ceremonies and chant "skeet skeet skeet!". Every tribe of their kind in the land listened to rap music and the idea of skeeting quickly gained in popularity. Soon, the entire African-American tribe had done its part to offset the effects of overpopulation through generations of skeeting on the women that they did not wish to impregnate. However, the other tribes of the land (most notabley, the Whites and Mexicans) did not support the "Skeet Movement". They continued to grow in number until the Whites eventually ate the Mexicans. The Whites, however, refused to eat the African-Americans for fear of sickle cell anemia, so they all got on a very large boat and went back to England.

Now, halfway through that entry the etymology of the term is explained, albeit ever-so-briefly. Yes, in the sport of skeet shooting, you hit the trap, therefore pulling the clay pigeon, which flies out at a great speed into the air, where it is thusly taken down by a bullet from a shotgun wielded by an average sportsman. Therefore, pulling and shooting.

In theory, I feel that while the term does make logical sense, I can't get over a few troubling matters with this term and its origin.

1. Ejaculate very rarely exits the member in a disc form. There have been rare exceptions in places blessed by bleeding Virgin Mary statues and electromagnetic, invisible islands a la the television show "Lost."

2. If a clay pigeon hit you square in the face at maximum speed, a few bones would without a doubt break. Ejaculate, on the other hand, should be nothing more than a mild annoyance. Are they saying their ejaculate could break someone's jaw?

3. Ejaculate cannot possibly travel at the same speed as a clay pigeon, can it?

For the third point, I felt I had to do further research with the matter to settle it once and for all. A Google search using the phrase "speed of a clay pigeon" brought me to a sporting goods website selling "Clay Trap Throwers" (http://www.lcishootingsports.com/pages/products/). After a quick moment of perusing the site, I found that with the top product at LCI Shooting Sports, the average speed of the clay pigeon could be adjusted from 45-60 miles per hour. Sounds about right.

In order to compare, another search was in order, so I did what I usually do with more esoteric queries than Google can deal with: I asked Jeeves. Jeeves knows everything. Going to ask.com, I clicked the box next to the jolly butler and asked the following question: "At what speed does an average man ejaculate?"

Top result, no go. Top five. No go.

The sixth entry brought me to a site called "Strange But True Penis Facts" (http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/102521.html). Jackpot! After learning that, in fact, the average man will ejaculate 7,200 times in his life, or that the average amount of an average man's ejaculate over the course of his life is exactly 2/5 of what it needs to fill the average bathtub, I finally find the fact for which I was searching.

Average Speed of Ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average Speed of a City Bus: 25 miles per hour

So, it's quicker than a city bus, which has been known to kill pedestrians on occasion, but slower than a thrown clay pigeon.

As a result, I do not accept the terms of this etymology. It is ill-conceived and easily disproven. Thusly, I shall offer my own personal take on the origin of the term "skeet."

That's right, actor Skeet Ulrich.

Think about it: Skeet Ulrich came into mainstream popularity in 1996, when he starred as one of the villains in the Wes Craven/Kevin Williamson horror thriller "Scream." Lil' Jon didn't officially coin the term until well over five years later. Coincidence? Absolutely not.

Secondly, with the exception of "Scream" and his bit part in "As Good As It Gets" (1997), his performances usually elicit the same two emotions: pleasant, but a little shameful. (e.g. "Chill Factor," the television show "Miracles" or the recently canceled "Jericho.") Now what else is both pleasant AND a little shameful?

I rest my case.

You Can't Get It Right Every Year: How "American Idol" Just Broke My Heart

2007-05-17T13:11:00.000-07:00

*sigh* Yes, I was a Melinda Doolittle fan. Yes, she was just sent home on "American Idol" last night. And yes, I'm still pretty angry about the whole thing. Sure, I get attached to singers on the show every year, just to see them whither and die in the competition or make a misstep that costs them every thing they've worked for on the weeks on the show preceding. There's no real science involved with who goes through round-after-round on this gargantuan ratings hit, but there is an art to the same idea. Really, I knew Melinda was going to go home, but for the first time in a while, I just didn't want to believe it.

I'm sure I'm not the only one in the country to say it, but I consider myself a sort of scholar of this particular television show. Anyone who followed my writings at the Los Angeles Loyolan knows I spent an unhealthy amount of space writing about this yearly phenomenon, often in ways that I'm sure cost me the small amount of readers who actually took the time to peruse my personal articles aside from my more objective critical pieces. In season 3 when Jennifer Hudson was booted from the show after only reaching seventh place, I placed an ad, separate from my own personal column, with a false obituary, putting the date of her ousting below that of her picture. My editors looked at me funny, but I kept it. Now she has an Oscar, is in the midst of probably creating one of the biggest R&B albums of this decade and has been requested by Ms. Franklin herself to star in the early-in-development biopic of Aretha. Bottom line: listen to me.

Sure, I've backed other losers like Paris Bennett (season 5, fifth place), Constantine Maroulis (season 4, sixth place), Nadia Turner (season 4, eighth place), Kimberley Locke (season 2, third place), Gina Glockson (season 6, ninth place) and my Bay Area darling LaToya London (season 3, fourth place). But with the exception of a couple, each went home exactly when I thought they would. It's really difficult to know what America wants in a singer week-after-week, and when their story no longer seems interesting, really, it's time to go.

Case in point: season five's golden boy wasn't Taylor Hicks, but Chris Daughtry. Now, let's put aside that his debut album has sold about 17 wackydongzillion albums (I think that's the official amount as of yesterday's Billboard charts) and has probably outperformed the combined sales of the three contestants who did better than him that season (those being Taylor Hicks, Katherine McPhee and Elliott Yamin). He has that voice that alternative rock stations love: you know, sort of Grunge 2.0, kind of like Fuel and Nickelback and Staind and all that other crap but more sellable to the masses and, more importantly, the teenage girls who made sure that "Titanic" will always be the biggest box office champion of all time. Here was a man who auditioned for "Rock Star: INXS" but was rejected, forcing him to move to a more family-friendly venue.

Now, when he was ousted, the country went up in arms. There was more of an outcry for a recount for him than it ever was with Al Gore or John Kerry. Thing is, I called it the moment he sang "Suspicious Minds" during Elvis week. I had the privilege of attending the "American Idol" dress rehearsal a week earlier for the top 5. Really, there's not much to the untrained eye that would make the dress rehearsal more interesting. It's merely for the singers' own benefit, as the clips that attach to the respective phone numbers at the end of the real live show happen to be taken from the dress rehearsal (in case you've ever sat through a live show, and then wondered why the clips at the end "didn't feel right").

But to a true fan of the show, it was a lot more subtle of a discovery. With the top four of Taylor, Katherine, Elliott and Chris, I saw their true colors and what put them into the final positions: how their fans treated them, and how they treated their fans. Taylor, of course, had his infamous Soul Patrol, made up mostly of women above 35 who swooned over, as David Spade once referred to him, "an overweight, grey-haired, slightly retarded Southerner." Taylor ate up every moment of this, gave them his full attention when he could, and seemed genuinely respectful of these people who had made him their lives for the four-five months of the show's duration. Elliott was the same: he had a loyal fan base, not nearly as large as Taylor's but one that really let their freak flags fly. He was kind and grateful, and enjoyed having their company and fed off their energy.

Katherine, on the other hand, was an Ice Queen in big capital letters. After each of her songs, Ryan spoke with her for a moment and recited the phone numbers necessary to vote for her, and she immediately walked off the stage the first moment she could. No wave to the crowd, no acknowledgement, no nothing. Really, I don't feel she ever really had much of a fan base, those with "McPheever," but I can tell you what she did have: a beautiful face and great tits. It's the 21st century, but great tits will still get you pretty much everything you want. Except for a top spot in a reality competition and an album that's anything other than excruciatingly lame! (Zing!)

What surprised me, though, was that Chris did almost the same thing, but with that very frightening scowl of his. Yikes. I knew how he treated his fans, and karma's a bee-eye-itch my friend.

Therein lies my very longwinded explanation of why I'm usually right when it comes to "American Idol." Sorry you had to go through that, but really, everybody and their mother (literally) seems to watch this show, as it does not focus on any age group or gender demographic, and is watched pretty much equally in all states. (Except for Montana, where I hear they have horses instead of televisions.) It's a lesson I learned and have been able to apply with the following season (this one). Really, predicting "Idol" is a continuous learning experience. You have to pay attention to the trends and the signs. If Simon wants somebody off that week, he shouldn't praise them (to energize that singer's fan base) or completely demolish them (which REALLY energizes that singer's fan base out of protection), but merely say "that was okay." Apathy and wishy-washiness equates to death on "Idol."

Other items I learned over the years:

-Nobody likes "gospel jaw." (Bye, Jennifer Hudson)
-Hot legs without showing off your boobs barely gets you halfway. (Enjoy your fiancee, Haley Scarnato.)
-Having eye sex with the crowd and the camera each week gets old. (How's that two-week stint on "The Bold and the Beautiful," Constantine Maroulis?)
-Don't have the same hairstyle each week, then suddenly change it. (Fuck off, Ace Young.)
-Don't be a black person who can't sing. (White people are more forgiving of their tone-deaf kin.)

Hell, it didn't even surprise me when this year's villain Sanjaya Malakar made it all the way to the top 7 with nary a note on key at any point after Hollywood Week. True, I wanted him gone with every fiber of my being, and definitely shed a tear when he was chosen to stay over the incredible voice that is Gina Glockson (too rock-n-roll for America, to state another "Idol" trend).

To continue to precede my true thoughts on why Melinda is gone, I have to deal with another topic. (I'm sorry I'm sorry, but for every person who thinks I'm just going crazy with all this "Idol" talk, there are four out there who know exactly what the eff I'm talking about.) That being this whole controversy on Howard Stern's show as to why, say, Sanjaya finally left and how the show truly picks who goes home each week. See, Stern's show, along with the website votefortheworst.com, were trying to really pull a prank on TV-watching America by asking their fans and visitors to vote for Sanjaya Malakar to stay in the competition. Both pretty much claim it was their doing that made him last so long. When he finally left, one of Howard's "insiders" at "Idol" said it was because the producers sent him home, not America. This guy claims that while most of the "paperwork has already been shredded," everyone knew that it was producers Simon Fuller and Nigel Lythgoe who made the decision, and apparently make the decision every week, about who stays and who goes based on buzz and ratings. Each week, he comes on to say who will be off next, and can be right.

Now, I have a major problem with Howard Stern. I used to be a fan, but I don't like the person he has become since moving onto Sirius radio. I don't listen to him enough to really speak of his new show in detail, but my mother listens to his full show everyday and relays these things to me. But there are some really big issues with these claims, in no particular order.

1. To rig a game show is illegal. Seriously. It absolutely is. There is a law specific to television game shows for such a thing. Hell, Robert Redford made an entire movie about what created this law. It's called "Quiz Show," it got a fuckload of Oscar noms, and it isn't a bad movie. Howard's insider claims that the voting process on "Idol" is done so that nobody but the producers can actually check on the numbers, so it's their word against everybody else if they cheated. Now, this seems far-fetched for anybody who cares about this show, because why would they bite the 30 million hands that feed them? This doesn't take into account the long-lasting presence of such "Idol" duds as Scott Savol (s4), Anthony Federov (s4), Jasmine Trias (s3), Diana DeGarmo (s3 final two), Carmen Rasmusen (s2) and our very own Sanjaya. But I can tell you why each of these contestants made it as far as they did. Seriously. I wouldn't even break an intellectual sweat.

The insider finally made a wrong move this week and said that the producers were going to get rid of Blake Lewis, the sole remaining eye candy for girls on the show. Wrong!

2. Howard has been struggling like crazy with his ratings ever since moving to satellite radio. Sure, he likes to tell you how many new subscribers come to the service each month solely because of him (which you can't really prove one way or the other) and how much praise he gets, but really, I think Sirius Radio made a $500 million dollar mistake. A good deal of people don't know that a lot of these new subscribers aren't subscribers at all. Sirius bought the opportunity to have their service installed in a series of new car models (forgot which specifically) and are counting those toward their subscriber numbers. So let me make it clear: Sirius is counting the radios they personally paid for in cars that haven't even been bought yet, that are simply sitting in lots across the country. Way to boost your numbers Enron-style, assholes.

Howard also happens to be a huge fan of reality television. Seriously. He can't stop talking about the latest developments of "Survivor," "Big Brother," et al, but he seems to have a problem with "Idol." Why? I think it's because it's far and away the biggest hit American television has had in years ("Grey's Anatomy" and "CSI," while juggernauts, can't even TOUCH what "Idol" has), and he's just trying to stir up shit to boost his own ratings. People are talking about him in relation to Sanjaya's long "Idol" life in great numbers. Hell, I'm doing it. Fuck this, I can't give him anymore press, as small as it may be.

3. A good predictor of "Idol" results, though it took me a few years to believe it, would be dialidol.com, which is a service one downloads to speed-dial your favorite contestants, then with pretty damn good accuracy tells you who is going home this week due to the amount of busy signals each contestant gets. They say they were 87% accurate with season 5 predictions, which is honestly better than most pop culture publications such as ew.com and zap2it.com. They've been pretty dead-on this year, and finally, last night, they decided it was too close to call a winner, just as they did last year when Taylor, Katherine and Elliott each received 33% of the vote, plus a few different decimals. Howard's insider (dammit, I'm doing it again), as aforementioned, said Blake was going home. Nope, it was Melinda.

4. Sanjaya stayed on because he was a young teenage boy, cute in a very odd kind of way, was unthreatening and unassuming, didn't stir the pot, had a sister who also auditioned and made it to Hollywood week and was probably incredibly gay (for that good ol' Clay Aiken vote). He was voted off when that became boring. Each week he stayed was not a surprise. Not by a longshot. It wasn't Howard. It wasn't votefortheworst.com. In a show that got around 60 million votes for this week's competition, I cannot believe that either's relatively small fanbase had any kind of impact on the voting. This is the kind of program that got all of Ruben Studdard's hometown in Alabama to vote hundreds of times until the voting time ran out. "Idol" fans are RAVENOUS, and no stupid shock jock or lousy website can really affect that with any true seriousness.

---

Now, onto Melinda Doolittle. She has, in my opinion, the best voice I've heard on "American Idol" in the five years I've watched it (sorry, didn't really get into season one until the final damn episode). Clay Aiken and Jennifer Hudson are the other two, but both have a tendency to go wildly over-the-top, and hence neither one won the competition. My mother is a rabid Claymate, so I choose my words wisely (she goes across the country for his concerts, used to sell his old demos to benefit his foundation, and has a painted portrait of Mr. Aiken hanging on the wall in her office), but Melinda really did have something special. And she brought it week after week.

Herein lies the problem: she was great. Every single week. Every. Single. Song. This may sound incredibly odd to outsiders, but completely normal for those in the "Idol" loop, but being consistently great doesn't get people fired up.

She started off with a great origin story, though. After graduating from Belmont Unversity in music, for years she's been toiling as a back-up singer for such acts as CeCe Winans, Aaron Neville and "Idol's" own George Huff (s3, fifth place), and has never really had much confidence in her abilities, at least not enough to be a headliner. She came to the auditions on a whim after her accompanying friends suggested she try out, and she was the only one who went through. For much of the first half of this season, her story has been a heartwarming yarn about breaking out of her comfort zone and finally allowing herself to be the star she was destined to be.

Unfortunately, that story disappeared once everyone jumped on the "what the fuck is Sanjaya still doing on the show" bandwagon. It's a fickle world on "Idol," and when you're not the center of attention, your days are numbered.

But she just kept on being great, with each theme, which each mentor, with each and every note. There was absolutely nothing wrong with anything she did, and that's just not what "Idol" audiences like. They like a roller coaster. They like bad weeks from which you can recover, allowing that your fans give you that chance with enough votes. Both Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis (this season's final two) have had bad weeks, and each have actually had awful weeks. But all this does is serve to ignite a match and start a fire underneath their collective and respective fan bases, hoping that they can come back strong. And they have. Not as strongly as Melinda, but enough to create a story.

Melinda is now free to make a great album away from the controlling hands of 19 Entertainment, who pretty much entirely owns these people for the duration of recording and promoting their first album. It's worked for Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood (still the only two "Idol" winners to really become more than that), but it's interesting to listen to Clay Aiken and Taylor Hicks talk about how much their creative spirit had been crushed by the company. Now Melinda can do whatever the fuck she wants, and just like I'm itching to pick up Paris Bennett's debut album, I will be the first in line to pick up Mindy Doo's triumphant debut. Fuck that idea that she's not marketable (she isn't as much as Jordin or Blake, but she's still got a lot going on), and fuck that idea that nobody cares. A great voice will always find its way to the top, even if it takes years.

I bid you adieu Melinda. And if Jordin Sparks doesn't win "Idol," I may return for more insane bloggage. That girl's got some pipes.

Text Message Theatre: How do you feel about Emus, then?

2007-04-26T15:32:00.000-07:00

Marcus: Two ostriches are following me. Not okay.
Kate (my sister): You should cut their heads off with a machete.
Marcus: What the eff?
Kate: I hate them. Kill them ninja style.
Marcus: Ninjas don't have machetes!
Kate: Oh, I know. Those were different ways to kill them.
Marcus: ...I see.

Locations:
Marcus: Franklin Park Zoo, Boston (worst zoo ever)
Kate: USC, Los Angeles

Sinterklaas

2006-12-25T01:37:00.000-08:00

As I sit here at 1:40 a.m., mere hours before waking to the smell of pine, gift-wrap paper and my cat Rufus' peculiar odor, I struggle with the fact that Christmas simply doesn't engage my inner child as much as I desperately want it to. This is not a new topic I've contemplated, having written about it--and thereby exposing more emotion and personal past than probably required by the print media--in the Los Angeles Loyolan university newspaper during my stint as arts & entertainment editor. In said article, I discussed how I yearned to reclaim the completely and welcomingly overbearing sense of joy during what to me was basically a non-religious expression of the wonders of materialism. As being raised by a parents who were either (a) agnostic or (b) atheistic, Jesus didn't even enter the equation until around age 10 (and it didn't even phase me until I entered Catholic school at age 12). I did, however, find it gleefully ironic how greatly I enjoyed something so fastened to commercialism and selfishness and cared not of its sociological ramifications. Remember, I was a strange child. Strange adult, too.

What really works for me about December 25th, what really makes it all click together, is that it had taken on a life of its own, despite the widespread crassness we associate with stuff like Miracle on 34th Street, and is truly about sharing. A family can sit beside the fire, sipping hot chocolate (or with my family nowadays, coffee) and simply let each other know that we have not forgotten what each of us represents to as part of a whole. It's funny, yet oddly telling, that most movies strive for this feeling but almost ultimately fail. The sole exceptions are Love Actually, which takes the holiday spirit of family and transposes it onto the concept of operatic love, and The Ref (which also happens to be the best Christmas movie of all time) as it chronicles what can ultimately bring us back together, even if that something is ribald language, sex jokes and Denis Leary with a beard.

But as for the article, the reason for its existence was how this holiday spark was rekindled by the presence of Robert Zemeckis' glorious and overblown motion-capture masterpiece The Polar Express. It was 2004, and this director whom I've always credited with educating me in the infinite sprawl of what great imagination can bring to the screen (for that I present to you Who Framed Roger Rabbit), and whom I've claimed has never ever ever made a bad movie, had caught me completely blindsided with his roller coaster of a family film. The Polar Express had done more for that little 10-year-old inside of me than everything I'd been trying to force upon myself. (This would include my very old videotape of Disney compilations of their Christmas short cartoons, as well as Mickey's Christmas Carol, which is probably the closest I've ever come to literally establishing my own personal nostalgia.)

But this isn't why I have restarted this theme for the sake of this website. Not exactly. Moreso, this is about the real reason why we all care about Christmas (at least, American non-denominational Christmas) each and every year. And his name is Santa Claus.

No, I don't believe in him. Why should I? I'm 24, for god's sake. Again I pull you as readers in another direction. I apologize.

My real question--and this is a goddamn fucking important one in my head--is how to deal with Santa Claus when it comes to my future children. How can I get the most out of the stories and fantasies and the Rankin-Bass claymation thingamajigs and how the Grinch did, indeed, steal Christmas? And how would I subject them to the wonders of that section of childhood, but somehow steer them to avoid the probably pointless determination of my current obsession to reclaim the spirit?

I grew up with the stories, sure. I cannot remember at which age I discovered there was no Santa Claus, but it didn't come as any form of dramatic shock to me, and it certainly didn't destroy my innocence. Some well-adjusted psychiatrist within me would, of course, probably tell me that this very article is, in fact, a demonsration of lost innocence, and that it most likely stems from that fateful day where a jolly fat man become an imaginary jolly fat man to me. And to this psychiatrist I would say, "Fuck off, smartass." I'm just saying that there were no hysterics, no bully in elementary school sought to end that piece of imagination within or an awkward sit-down with my parents come mid-Chanukkah. I would like to believe that clever little me figured it out all on my own, but I have a sneaking suspicion that my parents did, indeed, slyly steer me into this discovery.

I do, however, recall being at my uncle's annual winter Jackl party (mom's maiden name) when I was very very young. Let's say age four, but I could be wrong. While Jim was probably off being an alcoholic lawyer with the adults, the kids at the party were given their enjoyment by the appearance of one Santa Claus. (Whether this was some hired actor or a present child's parent I cannot say.) What I do recall with startling lucidity is me looking at Santa's feet, turning up again, and said with a shrug, "Santa, why are you wearing Reeboks?"

[Post-publication note: Apparently, that very Santa was indeed my Uncle Jim. It's lucky I didn't follow up the above comment with "...and why do you smell like cabernet?"]

I oddly never remember sitting on a mall Santa's lap, although I do have some memories of walking around the Hilltop Mall in Richmond 'round the holidays and seeing other children partake in this very same thing. (It does strike me as an especially creepy notion now, especially after witnessing a very, well Nip/Tuck episode of Nip/Tuck episode where surgeon Sean McNamara dons the suit, gets drunk off his rocker, and receives a blowjob from a sluttly midget in an elf costume.) I don't think I'll subject my children to this, although if the mall does present Santa's chair atop a giant slide as in A Christmas Story, I may change my mind.

This is something to discuss with my future wife (hello, fee! Sorry for ruining that moment of Nip/Tuck for you, but you may have caught up with season four by the time you read this and know that Julia deserves for her husband to get a midget-job), and I feel it may be one of the most important discussions we ever have about raising our chillins. Should we stick with the American Montgomery Ward version of Christmas (this is pretty much where the idea of "fake snow" comes from) or keep it a little less, well, evil. Will they learn of Mr. Claus the same way I do and not have a major freakout and, as aforementioned, lose their innocence? At the very least, will there be milk and cookies?

At this point, it is 2:28, I have watched the first 45 minutes of The Polar Express on DVD (all the parts before they arrive at the North Pole), slightly perturbed that the San Francisco Metreon did not bring back this very film in 3-D IMAX like they did last year and the year before. I have switched over to the Disney short cartoon compilation (the quality of the 20-year-old tape is miserable, but that's part of its charm, like listening to Louis Armstrong on a record player). It includes two separate shorts about Santa (one regarding the manufacturing of his toys, the second on delivering them), a Mickey-Pluto adventure where Chip and Dale reside within the Christmas tree and unintentionally wreak havoc, a Disney-characters-on-ice bit in which Goofy ice-fishes using pieces of tobacco, an episode where a snowball fight between Donald Duck and his nephews devolves into an amount of violence startling for its time period, a slapstick sketch in which Donald is a department store gift-wrapper, and the winter-based climax of Sword in the Stone. I usually skip over the Bambi, Cinderella and Peter Pan segments, however.

The crown jewel of the tape (which also has some great Halloween shorts later on), however, is a personal favorite and is the standard of beautiful animation, as least according to me. It's called "Once Upon A Wintertime," and is gorgeous times 3000.

It taken from Disney's 1948 film Melody Time and is one of the biggest bases for what romance truly entails in my life. Here's a few links, but alas there is no YouTube video of this wondrous achievement.

http://www.disneyshorts.org/years/1948/onceuponawintertime.html

http://www.pettipond.com/laterimages/comics/onceuponawintertime/index.htm

http://www.flickr.com/photos/wardomatic/sets/72057594074549599/

I cannot do the short justice, and would rather continue indulging in this video before sleeping, waking and watching Mickey's Christmas Carol before opening my presents with my family.

I will, nevertheless, comment on a strange occurence. Last year, I could not find the Disney tape, and had to settle for the DVD version of Polar Express, which in itself worked a charm into me, but not as well as the videotape or a combination of the two. This year, I re-discovered it in the family room hidden in the small furnace we have never used in this house. 20 minutes ago, "Once Upon a Wintertime" came on and started its brilliant and soul-lifting tune. And...well...I kind of cried.

Maybe I have lost the innocence. But at least I didn't grow up with the Danish story of Sinterklaas, as read by David Sedaris in his essay "6 to 8 Black Men."

Fall TV Wrap-Up (just in time for Chanukkah!)

2006-12-13T22:13:00.000-08:00

As the new title of this site suggests, I am indeed a media whore. Since I started using Comcast's DVR near the end of last summer, I have, of course, been able to watch basically a shit-ton of television. I started off with my regular shows (which completely unintentionally had a FOX bias after I counted the number of shows I truly truly watch on the Big Four), but I didn't feel satisfied. I started building an interest in more and more shows, and that took on the form of mostly new shows to the 2005-2006 season. This way, I deduced, I could get the most out of each show since I was with each and every one for the very beginning and didn't have to join in a show already in progress, which would defeat the purpose of my personal TV-watching habits. When February 2006 rolled around, I found that I had literally watched every single new damn show on the major networks (yes, even Courting Alex) and had suddenly become a connoisseur and student of what worked with the general American public and what failed to last from one season to another (or less!).

There are, of course, certain exceptions. I found myself perturbed by what was making it and, more importantly, what was not. (Sons and Daughters, I will rue your demise for years.) On the flip side, there were shows introduced last season that I decided to discontinue on my Season Pass Manager, the most notable of which would be CBS' genuine hit military show The Unit (although I did record the most recent episode as the teaser tickled my fancy).

When I moved back up to the Bay Area, and now using DirecTV's precious TiVo machine, I took it upon myself to do the very same thing with the 2006-2007 television season, this time starting with every single new show right from the get-go. This excludes the two new CW shows (Runaway, which is already cancelled, and The Game) and one FOX game show that lasted all of one episode (The Rich List).

Now that it's nearly Christmas, I thought I'd weigh in very briefly on the shows and what I think of them. This does not involve talking about which are "On the Bubble" and which are in trouble or even cancelled, but merely a ranking of each of the 26 new shows I watched this season. With the exception of allegedly four episodes of 'Til Death that I missed, I have literally watched every episode of these shows that were available on network television. (This excludes the burn-off online episodes of such shows as Kidnapped and Vanished, two shows that just happened to be about the exact same damn thing. It also excludes two very very good cable shows, the fresh TBS sitcom My Boys and the terrifying Showtime serial killer show Dexter, both of which I highly recommend.)

I will say this about the new season: there is only one show that I consider absolutely unwatchable. Luckily, it's on "ABC Hiatus." (For those not in the know, an "ABC Hiatus" almost never ever ever ends.) There are few true stand-outs, but I'm still greatly impressed.

Without any further ado. (Note the tie for first place.)

Rankings for New Shows 2006-2007

1. Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip
1. Heroes
3. Day Break *
4. 30 Rock
5. Help Me Help You *
6. Friday Night Lights
7. Show Me The Money *
8. Justice *
9. Six Degrees *
10. Ugly Betty
11. Men in Trees
12. Jericho
13. Shark
14. Happy Hour *
15. Vanished *
16. Big Day
17. The Class
18. Smith *
19. Kidnapped *
20. 1 vs. 100
21. Standoff
22. Brothers and Sisters
23. 'Til Death
24. 3 Lbs. *
25. 20 Good Years *
26. The Nine *

* indicates either a cancelled show or one on "hiatus"

Why my mom is the bomb, yo.

2006-12-03T15:32:00.000-08:00

Before I catch up with all the missed time this blog has been clamoring for--don't worry, I have a few very large entries planned in the next two weeks after I recover from this cold--I just thought I'd like to share what I consider to be one of the greatest pictures in Gorman existence.

A few weeks ago, my parents flew to Manhattan to participate in the New York City Marathon and catch about eight plays on the Great White Way. That is no mean feat, but was is far more noteworthy is what happened at San Francisco International before the plane to NYC even took off.

Behold the crazy life that is my mom's:

Yeeeaah, boyeeeeeeeeee!

That is, in fact, a picture of Mama Gorman and none other than Flavor Flav.

Now, the first thing that came to mind when she called me up after the flight and said that she got a picture on her cell phone with the Flavmaster himself was how mom even knew who he was.

Mom: You know, I see him on VH1 and Best Week Ever.
Me: Yeah, but you don't watch Flavor of Love, do you?
Mom: No, but I know you keep talking about it.
Me: Well, yeah, because it's the greatest parody of reality television I've ever seen.
Mom: And wasn't he Public Enemy back in the day with...
Me: Chuck D. Yeah.
Mom: Yeah, "Fight the Power."

I guess my mom was more of a fan of Do The Right Thing than I thought.

Me: Well, how'd you know it was him? I mean, he's just this gangly, ugly black man. I mean, he wasn't wearing...did he wear a clock on the plane ride?
Mom: And a crown.
Me: A crown?
Mom: Yeah, a pointy crown.
Me: Now, I don't know why, but in this day and age of heightened airport security measures, I would just think that a large kitchen wall clock around your neck and a crown would be somehow some kind of security breach?
Mom: Apparently not.

Wooooooooooowwwwww...

Pwned!

2006-11-19T17:13:00.000-08:00

Why Sacha Baron Cohen and FOX 2000 will win the lawsuit brought against them by the two fraternity boys known as John Doe #1 and #2.

http://www.slate.com/id/2151990/

"Letting everyone down would be my greatest unhappiness."

2006-11-02T19:01:00.000-08:00

As I am trying to make customary here on this blog, I have chosen to review a film not in the regular prose I used at the Loyolan and with which I have oddly grown bored, but in a far more bullet-point stream-of-consciousness manner. I feel this way better shows the workings of my mind--as I intend for this blog to completely or at least moderately capture such things--and, really, I think it makes it more interesting. Just get to the point already.

Marie Antoinette

-I was quite dreading actually watching this film, as I find Sofia Coppola to be mildly overrated, but I also went into it really really wanting to love it. I don't know if it was the desire to perhaps understand a film better than the undeserving mob that booed the film this May at Cannes, but it certainly wasn't for the reason that I simply like to enjoy everything, as I was keenly aware that any film about French aristocracy was unlikely to really enthrall me. As I watched the film, I found myself sort of eerily drifting in and out of boredom and yet still realizing that the way the film is made is actually quite bold. I didn't enjoy it, but I ended up greatly admiring it.

-The first 20 minutes seem to struggle with establishing any form of connection between the audience and the mostly thin plot. It appears to want to care about characters, and yet Marie is the only one that vaguely resembles a human. I understand Sofia's point (as evidenced heavily by the above poster, which I feel is grossly underrated) that Ms. Antoinette was this sort of naive young teenager whose transformation into this much-maligned glamour queen is a symbol of post-modernism and no different than the heiresses and fanciful partygoers of the modern age. This point could just as easily have the story take place in Los Angeles, really. The reason that we find the regal traditional machinations of the royalty this Austrian duchess has entered so peculiar and alien is that Marie herself feels the exact same way. She must rid herself of all things Austrian (including her clothes, which gives us a nice rear shot of Ms. Dunst) to firmly establish this new friendship between France and Austria, and is momentarily horrified that she must leave her beloved pug (whom I believe was named Mopps) with her former entourage.

Really, though, I don't find the portrayal of boring, oddly detailed French ceremonies to be of much interest. After some time, these parts of the film grow tiresome. We get it. She's an outcast just as much as the sisters in Sofia's debut film The Virgin Suicides. I feel that the filmmakers wanted me to believe that this was like dealing with Martians, but it's really not that extreme. It's more as if I found myself somehow thrust into the world of Gone With the Wind. (And I can assure you, the first words out of my mouth in that situation would most likely be "Your fucking name is Ashley? You should probably go join the war effort before I punch you for being such a pussy.")

Really, though, it seems that Sofia was trying to make much of the film boring on purpose. I feel that this is what Terrence Malick does with all of his films, but they end up transcending cinema themselves with their dreamlike pacing and minutae. Sofia only ends up portraying the fact that since she doesn't care to make it interesting, we shouldn't be interesting in experiencing it.

-The choice to not show Marie's infamous beheading originally angered me to no end when I heard about it, but once again it goes along with Sofia's journey into the heart and soul of this young and misunderstood creature. We see her give up during the film's final few minutes, and watching an empty shell would have actually been quite maddening to an interested audience member. Really, this film is not at all concerned with politics. The single funniest moment of the film (intentional or otherwise) comes with the mention of the American Revolution (which I dub "The War for Independence" in most cases because it sounds more noble, but I will refrain in case I confuse a reader with talk of the French Revolution). In a scant 60 seconds, one of Louis' advisers makes a brief point that funding the Americans would show England the power France possesses, and Louis immediately agrees. It is possibly the most streamlined decision to go to war e'er I saw, and it was received with a heartfelt guffaw.

This goes for the portrayal of Marie as well. Only in the last 20 minutes is any mention made of the French Revolution, and it is not put into context at any point. Most likely this is to show how isolated Marie was from the world around her, how she was completely unaware that her rich dessert lifestyle stood for everything wrong with the French monarchy and that this young girl was simply in a wrong place/wrong time situation. Really, the most rebellious thing she does during the film is applaud an opera at a court performance, which is something you just simply don't do I suppose.

This focus (or lack thereof) doesn't sound like it works, and I'm not entirely sure it does, but the choice is nevertheless interesting. I use the dialogue quote I did as the title of this article exclusively for the fact that it is one of the few truly thematic lines Marie delivers in the film, yet I cannot recall her ever saying it. I merely grabbed it from imdb.com.

-Much hubbub had been made about the film in regards to its soundtrack, which is a collection of 80s New Wave, pop and oddly enough The Strokes. Meant to portray both Marie's inner monologue and show that she is just an 80s party girl, it is actually the most un-noteworthy aspect of the film. It doesn't feel anachronistic simply for the fact that it would almost be stupid not to do this and merely have obnoxious harpsichord tinkling for 120 minutes, which would contradict the whole post-modern angle. If anything, it galvanizes some of the film's editing, which when it's not showing fancy shoes and cakes to "I Want Candy" is actually quite pedestrian and a little lethargic.

I'm still very much split on the entire concept of an anachronistic soundtrack. I'm indifferent to it here, I love it in A Knight's Tale and I absolutely despised the use of Maroon 5 in Natalie Villamonte's Del Rey Players version of Les Liaisons Dangereuses. Then again, a lot of what passes for score these days (think Hans Zimmer, Howard Shore, James Horner) doesn't fit an era as much as a pre-established "movie score sound" that we've all oddly come to accept.

-I found myself staring at a lot of costumed bosoms, and "bosom" is a word I never use to describe that area of a woman's body lest I am quoting Cornershop's observation that "Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow," which I feel is a much more ingenious line than I think is credited.

-The choice to cast Molly Shannon as a woman of the court has been met with such malice by my acquaintances that I was pretty much went into the film expecting her to be in her SNL character that liked to keep on screaming "I'M FIFTY!" Really, though, she really makes no splash whatsoever as her character that I really don't care either way if she were cast or not.

-I appreciate the decision to have the actors not try to imitate any accent other than their own. I'd much rather see actors comfortable in their own speech than mangle a foreign tongue. This is one of the reasons Amadeus is such a relatable movie.

-The few times I've seen Kirsten Dunst promote this film on television and in the news media, she has said that there is so little dialogue in the movie that it's almost a silent film. This is complete bullshit. There is plenty of dialogue here; more than Spider-Man 2, probably. What is, in fact, true is that there is little dialogue of consequence. Unlike other films about royalty, most of what is written and acted is supposedly realistic prattling, with only the dialogue used to discuss the passage of time and Marie's inability to fire up the loins of her impotent husband to be of any real interest.

The used phrase "silent movie" is intriguing, as this would have actually been a very appealing movie had the sound been taken out. During the final 15 minutes (as her world is falling apart) I believe only four lines of dialogue are uttered (not counting the mob's unimportant shouting) and two are only there to signify the end of the film. Otherwise, I think an audience going to see a film called Marie Antoinette is intelligent enough to know what is going on without dialogue.

Besides, emotion and suggestion can be far more powerful. I recall seeing the French silent film The Passion of Joan of Arc at the Zeum in downtown San Francisco, being the least troublesome of the films I've seen whose title contains the word "passion" (that number being two). The film focuses entirely on Joan's trial, the lead-up to the execution and the execution itself. (I saw this film as a part of Ron Chase's Art & Film organization, and I recall when we were asked what part we liked most, Stella sarcastically responded "The part when she cried.") During the trial scene, we see, through Joan's eyes, the elders discussing her heresy and her ultimate sentence, and the power in the scene is specifically for the fact that we have no idea what they are saying. We as an audience immediately expect the worst. And since I am a horrible lip-reader, especially when those lips are speaking an entirely different language, I couldn't ruin this powerful instant for myself.

-I feel no need to address the costumes. Here's a much better article that will do that for me: http://www.newyorker.com/critics/content/articles/060925crat_atlarge

-As a bonus, there's a line, also from The New Yorker, that I'd like to share with you, simply because I find it hilarious, addressing the "fairy tale nature" of the first 10 minutes of the film.

It even has a resident witch, the Comtesse de Noailles (Judy Davis), whose place at the head of the welcoming party is compromised by the fact that, after years at the French court, she is about as welcoming as a frozen hedgehog.

-I am also indifferent to Kirsten Dunst as an actress. Sometimes she impresses me while at other times I find her boring. Perhaps the most interesting thing about her is now no longer, as she and Jake Gyllenhaal have broken up. My college acquaintance Ben Wolpert, who heads the band Scarlet Grey and whose family allegedly bought Ms. Dunst's old house in the Valley, would have you believe she is an airhead who has an ADD-caliber sense of distraction when it comes to her cat, but as someone who interviewed her during the press day for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I would have you know that she is somewhat savvy and remarkably down-to-earth. A tad boring, to be sure, but she did the press rounds in a pair with Mark Ruffalo, who all things considered is exponentially more interesting of a person.

-In conclusion, I very much admired the film. But I certainly didn't fucking enjoy it. How could I after Saw III showed me what happens to a body when its limbs are very slowly twisted.

Now it's time to recycle many bottles of Two-Buck Chuck and vote, as my absentee ballot is due in the mail tomorrow. (Leave it to me to wait until the last possible damn minute to try to change my world.)

Campus MovieFest finale! All Bay Area peeps must come!

2006-10-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Yes, this is what I've been doing for the last two months. Check that, fool.

And on October 20 at the California Theatre in San Jose, we have the Campus MovieFest GRAND FINALE, showcasing the best student films from UC Berkeley, SJSU, Sonoma State, Stanford and Santa Clara University.

And it's hosted by Mayim Bialik from "Blossom." How sweet is that?

http://www.campusmoviefest.com/finale/index.html

--MG

You're welcome.

2006-10-18T22:48:00.000-07:00

http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/thegoodgerman/large.html

For all you cult film sluts.

2006-10-06T09:19:00.000-07:00

http://www.avclub.com/content/node/53530

(To be updated with text later.)

Do NOT see the "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" this weekend.

2006-10-06T07:32:00.000-07:00

Why, you ask? The first of the remakes was so damn good.

Well, I received this myspace message from a trusted friend from high school, and I have no reason to distrust this statement.

From Mike:

"Marcus! i know this is random as hell, but i figured you'd be a good person to spread the word among your friends and neighbors - tell anyone you know who's planning to see TCM: The Beginning tomorrow that Andrew Birnyarski (leatherface, as you undoubtedly already know) is - in real life and very factually - a multiple rapist of young girls, including someone I know very closely. I know that's probably not enough to dissuade many from paying money to go see it - I would be first in line otherwise, and it's gonna be very painful not to see it - but just so people know if they should happen to not want to support it cuz of that.

Weird how I have these really fucking random connections to both Leatherfaces, huh?

- mike"

(His connection to Gunnar Hansen, the first of the Leatherfaces in the 70s, is that he and his father met at a party years ago.)

So while I clearly cannot tell you whether or not this is true, I feel as if I must pass it along. Hell, I wasn't planning on seeing it anyway.

Shomebody shave me

2006-10-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, "Smallville" rocked the house with the premiere of its sixth season. It did, problematically, clean up a few plot strands far too nicely to maintain the staggering amount of tension built in the season five finale, where BrainIAC shut off the world's power, Chloe shared a lovely kiss with Clark before she and Lionel Luthor were taken away by the angry Metropolis mob, Lois and Martha were in a plane unknowingly headed for the North Pole piloted by a BrainIAC copy, Lex was turned into a superbeing and inhabited by the spirit of Zod and Clark was thrust into the Phantom Zone. (Take that, "Superman Returns.")

Now, rumors are floating that the show will wrap itself up by the end of the seventh season, which has already been given the greenlight.

But what happens after Clark and the gang get their butts out of their little Kansas town of krypto-freaks and dodgy police enforcement?

Behold, the reason I love rabid fans.

Basket Case

2006-09-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Is it weird that I can name the winners of Survivor in chronological order?

Is it strange that I know all the lyrics to High School Musical?

It is troubling that in the most recent episode of Prison Break I recognized the exterior of a supermarket as being used in the underappreciated 1999 film The Thirteenth Floor? (And then equally knowing that in the scene in question in said film, the reverse angle on Craig Bierko, as opposed to Gretchen Mol's angle, was filmed in an entirely different location?)

I've been catching myself more and more in these idiot savant moments, and it's starting to become stranger and stranger. The problems with some of these morsels of trivial knowledge are slightly running closer and closer with the advantages to be had with such a brain of pop culture mumbo-jumbo.

Equally, I have been mildly haunted by a good friend of mine saying, when I called his buddies "those crazy people," he responded, "What do you mean? You're the first lunatic I ever knew," referring to our heavily quirky friendship that was formed in the Saint Mary's College High School year of 2000-2001. I'll be walking across my front yard to get the mail and notice I have been mumbling incoherancies to myself with nary a reason. When I run back conversations in my head--usually recent, but not exclusively--and I add new dialogue from my side that I should have said at the time, I will make appropriate hand gestures to accentuate my intelligent and witty [post-conversation] points, which was only pointed out to me recently by my sister that this is fucking creepy, especially tied with the fact that I unknowingly mumble said dialogue. I will visibly wince when remembering a truly horrible/embarrassing moment from any number of places from my life, as opposed to keeping it inside my own brain, safe, where it will inevitably become an ulcer.

On the one hand, it's good to say that in my chosen field--a clusterfuck of filmmaking, arts journalism and snobbishness--having such media knowledge is an advantage, one that will take me far and just maybe let me stand out.

On the other hand, I feel that in knowing, say, that Thomas Ian Nicholas from Rookie of the Year and the American Pie series is heavily Christian, I have abruptly pushed out vital knowledge that regular human beings use, as opposed to Invasion hybrids like myself. What piece of information will push out my trigonometry skills? Will my obsession with this year's Oscar race make me forget specifics of the Louisiana Purchase? Will seeing Jackass Number Two take the place in my brain that once knew the smell of the trees at my childhood home on 1582 Milvia between Cedar and Vine?

And on the third hand--the one on the arm sticking out of my ear--am I finally noticing what everyone else has known? That Marcus Gorman is just crazy? That this spaz of a kid who grew up to be a spaz of an adult may just be off his rocker, even just a little?

*Sigh* I don't know.

The final word on the new edition of "Survivor"

2006-09-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

Okay. By now everyone should know about all the controversy surrounding the newest edition of CBS' "Survivor." Starting tomorrow at its regular 8 p.m. spot, the new season, subtitled "Cook Islands," will make some television history by splitting the four tribes up into races: African-American, Caucasian, Latino/Chicano and Asian-American. The outcry has been extraordinarily harsh, and the season has taken on a new moniker of "Survivor: Race Wars."

"How can they possibly do this? CBS and Mark Burnett are racist bigots! It'll take America back 50 years! What are they trying to prove?"

Honestly, worrywarts, I don't give a shit. "Survivor" has always prided itself on being a social experiment, which is just a fancy way of saying they like to mix things up. This is not going to be inflammatory. This is not going to bring out insensitivity in this country more than any other regular television show. All it's going to do is get fantastic ratings, its best in years, and it's all because most of you are flipping your shit for a darn reality show. Executive producer Burnett did something amazing in his promotion of this season. Recently, the show has fallen to the second half of the top 10 in the Neilsen ratings, despite frequently vying with "Friends" and "ER" back in the day for the number one spot. He wisely kept this big new season secret for longer than what is even believable in the day of The Smoking Gun, TMZ and other gossip sites. He dropped the bomb mere weeks ago, just in time for CBS' fall season to start. Everyone is going to be watching, and this brilliant man played you all.

But this denies the true problem with the concept, you say. We are actually morally outraged about this and damn the boost in ratings. The world must know!

*sigh* Let me break it down for you. As an avid viewer of all 12 seasons so far, through its up and its downs, I can assure you that it won't be any kind of a problem after the first two episodes. In the few recent seasons that start off with four teams (or even three), it will last, at most, three episodes. Things may change this season, but I doubt it. It's hard to keep track of four teams and four camps, even by "Survivor" standards, and so the remaining members of the four teams will very likely be mixed into three, thus lightly combining races. After a small handful of more episodes, either a losing team will be dissolved into two by way of schoolyard selection (which could eliminate the last one or two members) or the dreaded Jeff Probst "It's time to fuck with y'all" mix-up, where they'll each have a bag with one of two flags and the teams will then become completely random and mixed to the gills. After around half of the entire cast is gone, the two tribes will merge into one, and then they'll all break out into a rendition of "We Are the World."

The implications of the last two steps actually seems to me to be a great lesson in race relations, a direct argument to what many people are dissing about this edition. For once, a great deal of America can see what a society would be like with a mixed race--although the one problem lies in the fact that, with great odds, one or two races might outrank the others near the end, more for their "outlasting" than their "outwitting" or "outplaying." But now the Midwest can look at what, say, the San Francisco Bay Area, NYC or other metropolitan areas feel like when there is a good mixture of different colors. I've grown up around this, but I know that a great deal of people have not. If anything, this is a great opportunity to bring theme to a show that really only allows us a few stories about the natives and whatnot.

but what the hell do I know? Here's the first story Yahoo! published about the season. Notice that the press release was done by Mr. Probst as opposed to Mr. Burnett so as to get the maximum publicity.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/eo/20060823/en_tv_eo/19833

Immediately, the story brings up the greatest point that allows me to embrace the new season--"Survivor" has never been ethnic. I can recall only one Asian-American off the top of my head (Shi-Ann) who was their go-to in not one but two seasons (don't forget about the All-Star edition). No African-American has ever won the game (Ethan Zohn's fro comes from Judaism) outside of the bland as bathwater Vecepia from season 4 (which occured in that run where the show was really meaningless. I mean, who remembers season 5 winner Brian outside of the fact that he does soft-core porn and accidentally shot a dog last year with an arrow?). Hell, outside of her win, no black person even made it to the Final 2. The only Latina/Chicana to ever win was season 7's Sandra, and really it didn't matter who won that year as long as it wasn't Johnny Fairplay (who made it to third place, mind you). This does raise the question of what ethnicity Jenna Morasca is, but judging from the way she acted during "Kill Reality" and her Playboy pictorial, I think she's happy being known more as of a "mixed race." This has always been a white person's game so far, and this is a way to rectify that.

Looking at the line-up of new contestants, I will bring up my gripe about how certain people of mixed race are characterized as. Just as I have an issue with Halle Berry's Oscar speech focusing primarily on her black roots (even though her mother--which they showed during the broadcast--is a blonde German white woman), some of these contestants, most noticeably the African-Americans, are both African-American and Caucasian. In more vulgar terms, they are Mulatto. I understand the pride one has in a certain aspect of their race, and I frankly don't want to get too much into this lest a few people get mad at my apparent racial insensitivity (yeah, that's so like me), but it does stand for the one major problem I have with the season.

But the important aspect, as aforementioned, is that this is just some kind of segregation. Burnett tries to calm our fears (and by "our fears," I mean "your fears") with this: "To the less-than-open minded person, it is very easy to trash us," Burnett explained to Entertainment Weekly. "But we're smart enough to not make it negative. We're smart enough to have gotten rid of every racist person in casting." This is probably pretty true, as while the country is still very segregated, I think racism exists only in little starts and fits around the land, and most people are more unaware of other cultures than they are spiteful toward them. There may be a few who try to bring it into play, but I don't see any hate crimes on Cook Islands.

Others are more just disappointed than enraged at the concept of the season. Take my fiancee Stevi, for example. What follows is excerpts from an AIM conversation from a few weeks past that is more of an ideological dissatisfaction with the easy moral lessons that can be gathered from the show.

For editing purposes, it now looks like play dialogue, sans bold type:

Marcus: Next season of "Survivor" they're splitting the four tribes up by race.
Stevi: What?
Marcus: What what?
Stevi: How can they do that?
Marcus: Because the show has always been accused of not being diverse enough. Usually it's one Asian, one Latina, 2-3 black people, the rest white. I mean, last year they did the four by age.
Stevi: well, that's like the population of America.
Marcus: Older Men, Younger Men, Older Women, Younger Women
Stevi: But isn't it more problematic to divide by race?
Marcus: Maybe.
Stevi: This is why people need to look to pop culture narratives, because some problematic shit is happening.
Marcus: I mean, 6 episodes in they'll merge anyway.
Stevi: And if we don't solve it, its going to continue to penetrate us with the most negative aspects of our culture. But then when that happens, the drama is gong to be race based.
Marcus: Well, maybe the white people will suck at being people.
Stevi: "You damn latina hos." Still, they're working of a model of cultural/racial/ethnic conflict grabbing ratings. Like "Crash." you don't want "Survivor" to be "Crash"; promoting racism by telling us its bad. We know that already.
Marcus: Indeed.
Stevi: Not that ethnic studies are my forte, but the gay body is so often conflated with the racial body that they may as well be one in the same. What would happen if they split the designers on "[Project] Runway" into gay and straight teams? What the fuck would that solve?
Marcus: There are straight people on "Runway"?

FIN

I suppose that it's fair enough to believe such things, but it may just be more that to my knowledge she has only watched about 2-3 episodes of "Survivor" in their entirety ever since the show started in the summer of 2000. Really, as the advertisements truthfully state, none of you complained when the game was divided by gender or, as with the last season, age. (Even less people noticed that there were two people who were 32, yet the 32-year-old male was thrust into the "young male" group while the 32-year-old female was labeled as "old female." You dropped the ball, feminists.)

I urge you to seek out articles about "Survivor: Cook Islands" and read the offended words of many different media-savvy people. They have every right to their opinion. I just consider myself pretty sensitive to issues of race, gender, sexuality, etc., and I see absolutely nothing wrong with a little light pizzazz in one of the mainstays of reality television.

I also urge you to watch the new season, as "Survivor" has had a great roll of excitement and daring strategy over the past four seasons. (Although you must admit Chris did not deserve to win over Twila. That there was a gyp.) It's going to be a very widely discussed season, and you don't want to be kept out of the loop, do you?

--MG

Note: As of last week, before the season has even started, Vegas oddsmakers have a Latino/Chicano member winning it all. Why? I have no clue. I can imagine a bookie in the middle of Nevada saying "All them Hispanics are wily!"

---

Update on the morn of airing:

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-d8pH0dcoRKeB12yOcnUQp.9VCFos?p=11742

Two big items. Not only does the NAACP say they will reserve judgement of the show until after viewing, Mark Burnett decides to give a very long answer that may calm some more "fears."

Our rationale for dividing Survivor tribes by ethnicity was based upon our belief that racial differences were highly unlikely to matter when the modern world was removed.

Survivor takes place on an island where economics, ethnicity and social class count for nothing. What is important is your ability to build a fire and catch fish. On an island, the value system by which we judge others and even choose to associate or align with others is totally different from choices that may be made in the modern world. Add to this, the political nature of Survivor and the questions are “Do I like this person?” and “Can I convince this person to vote for me?”

Survivor is probably one of the greatest leadership and management tests you can witness. It’s almost like firing someone who works as your subordinate, then the next day, asking them to lobby “your boss” to give “you” a promotion. Survivor is the equivalent of this where the very people you play a part in getting rid of, are asked to turn around and reward you for it.

I believe that most people are inherently good and very few people are intentionally bigoted. It’s all about whether you actually get to know people and getting to know them in a totally fresh environment such as on a desert island further reduces any potential for bigotry.

Were we correct?? Time will tell. All I can say is that the series will pull no punches and will at the very least show that it’s impossible to stereotype people once you meet them and (even vicariously) live with them as they struggle to build a world together while still looking out for themselves.

I agree with the NAACP in that there is no escaping the reality that race is a complex and emotional issue in America -- one we are still reluctant to confront and address and I am happy that they have reserved judgment until they watch the series. I would encourage anyone to follow this lead and watch at least a few episodes to get a clear picture of how the dynamic will play out.

Much much more power to the engines.

2006-09-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

I hope you guys are all fucking excited as shit.

Look at that, and then watch this.

http://www.startrek.com/startrek/videoview?id=25575

Oh, and check your local listings. However, watch out for the amount of geek semen that will be spilled after they air the first episode.

Holy donkey shitballs!

2006-09-08T17:43:00.000-07:00

"You cant stop my happiness
'Cause i like the way i am
And you just can't stop my knife and fork
When i see a christmas ham
So if you don't like the way i look
Well, i just don't give a damn!"

How true those words, Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman. How true.

Behold! First image from Hairspray!

For all you "Apprentice" fans...

2006-08-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

It seems the ice queen is dead.

http://tv.yahoo.com/news/eo/20060831/115706400000.html

"Carolyn Kepcher's business how-to book covered how to handle a difficult boss. Now it's time for a rewrite.

Donald Trump has turned on one of his own, giving the axe to his longtime boardroom sidekick and Apprentice costar amid a newspaper report that TV fame had gone to her head.

"Mr. Trump wishes Carolyn the best," the real estate mogul's rep, Jim Dowd, told E! News, confirming the firing.

Kepcher had run two of Trump's golf courses and was a longtime fixture at the Trump Organization; more prominently, she had served as Trump's right-hand woman since NBC launched The Apprentice in 2004.

According to the New York Post, Kepcher was given the boot after Trump became frustrated by her outside projects.

"She became a prima donna," a presumably close, unnamed "insider" told the newspaper. "She was giving speeches for $25,000 and doing endorsements."

The 36-year-old mother of two, who oversaw the Trump National Golf Club in Briarcliff, New York, as well as a course in New Jersey, parlayed her Apprentice fame into a book deal. Carolyn 101: Business Lessons from The Apprentice's Straight Shooter became a bestseller, which led to the boardroom maven landing an agent at ICM and fielding offers for TV and book deals, along with speaking engagements and endorsements.

Kepcher's termination will have no affect on production of The Apprentice. She was not involved in the upcoming sixth season, which was set in Los Angeles and has finished shooting.

Proving nepotism is alive and kicking, Trump earlier tapped daughter Ivanka to take over as the reality show's requisite female sidekick, with Donald Trump Jr. chosen to fill-in for the other longtime Apprentice lackey, George Ross.

The 78-year-old Ross, a corporate counsel for the Trump Organization, will sit out for several episodes this season to make way for the younger Donald. Unlike Kepcher, however, a Trump Organization executive told CNN that Ross is "very much a part of the company" and is not being pushed out.

Instead, the new season's location shift has been cited as the reason for Ross' diminished appearances. Because Ross is based on the East Coast, he and show producers decided it would not be optimal for him to relocate simply for the show.

The Apprentice's sixth season is set to air in January."

Take that, Southern California!

2006-08-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

Yay! I don't have to live on the streets! And I don't have to revert to shitty jobs at Hollywood Video, Borders Books, Jamba Juice or that weird hippie readymade art store on Solano run by a saggy-breasted ding-a-ling who wanted me to walk around the store and look burly so I'd scare away all the black people who she was certain would steal from her at the drop of a hat!

Check out the website, campusmoviefest.com. I am the newest team member for the world's largest student film festival, working at least for the next two months serving the film festival community of UC Berkeley, San Jose State, Somona State and probably Stanford. It also includes the opportunity to perhaps continue with the group to their other regions across the country and maybe even [some of] the world. Fingers crossed for that.

So there you go. Ironically, I had to come back up to the San Francisco Bay Area, ditching Los Angeles, to continue my work in the film community. Whodathunk?

So, yay me! I can get money...so I can eat! And see my fiancee! And not have my Netflix be cancelled! And other such lovely things!

And yay for exclamation points!

Relish this. This is one of the few times you will ever see me genuinely and outwardly excited about anything, as I usually tend to lest it fester inside until my joy seems like pretentious pedantic know-it-all-ism to everyone else.

And visit the website. There is quite some talent in these regular college students.

Yay! Look! Puppy!

They call you Lady Luck, but there is room for doubt...

2006-08-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

So do you all remember when I applied for a copy editing position up in Vacaville a few weeks ago, and learned the harsh lesson of proofreading job applications?

http://marcdom7.blogspot.com/2006/08/isnt-that-just-grand.html

Well, I just received this letter today from the same Angela Adams at the Reporter:

Dear Mr. Gorman, Are you interested in coming in for an interview for the open copy editor position at The Reporter? Please let me know as soon as possible, as I will be conducting interviews early next week. Thanks, Angela Adams News Editor The Reporter

Well now, it seems my luck is turning around. It's just an interview, and the job is a good hour away (at least) but this definitely bodes well for my resume as well as not being thrown out of my house.

Thanks for the crossed fingers, Laura, and the fun tips about copy editing in Tracy, Mr. Mendelson.

And look! She got my last name right this time!

August 22, 2006 is now the greatest day ever!

2006-08-22T18:53:00.000-07:00

Guess what came out on fucking DVD today after 17 years of me going back-and-forth to the video store for a lousy VHS tape? The greatest kids movie of all time.

If you aren't geek-gasming, you don't know the power of "The Wizard." Indulge in Fred Savage mastery.

Fun talking points from Marcus

-Christian Slater and Beau Bridges co-star. How's that for some nostalgia?
-An appearance of the dreaded Nintendo Power Glove.
-Tobey Maguire plays one of evil Lucas' friends. Check out the mullet.
-How about "Double Dragon," "Contra," "Rad Racer" with the aforementioned Power Glove, "RC Pro-Am," "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles," "Megaman 2," "Ninja Gaiden," and, of course, the Video Armageddon finale with "Super Mario Brothers 3." (Jimmy! Watch the mushroom!)
-"Send Me An Angel" by Real Life (although I used to think it was Erasure)
-Yes, the dinosaur statues at the end are the same Cabazon ones in my favorite movie "Pee-wee's Big Adventure." Now they're owned by a Creationist who uses them ironically to disprove evolution.
-That cute redhead who plays Haley in the film--guys, you know you had a crush on her back in the late 80s--is now the lead singer for Rilo Kiley. Time to catch a show, dammit. (Don't touch her breast, though. She'll tell Spanky and you'll get beaten up by truckers.)

So there you go. Get your hands on a copy now! I hope you don't get nervous like last time. I wouldn't want you to..."wiz" on someone!

How fucking weird is Steely Dan?

2006-08-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

This weird.

http://www.steelydan.com/heywes.html

Here's my favorite part. It sounds like my old film professor Sue Scheibler as if she had just combined some gnarly LSD, speed and Peeps after reading through an entire book of Pauline Kael, misreading it as something optimistic and philosophical:

"Let's put our cards on the table - surely, we are not the first to tell you that your career is suffering from a malaise. Fortunately, inasmuch as it is a malaise distinctly different than that of Mr.______ , and to the extent that you have not become so completely alienated from the intellectual and moral wellsprings of your own creativity, we are hoping that we - yours truly, Donald and Walter - may successfully "intervene" at this point in time and be of some use to you in your latest, and, potentially, greatest, endeavor.

Again, an artist of your stripe could never be guilty of the same sort of willing harlotry that befalls so many bright young men who take their aspirations to Hollywood and their talent for granted. You have failed or threatened to fail in a far more interesting and morally uncompromised way (assuming for a moment that self-imitation and a modality dangerously close to mawkishness are not moral failings, but rather symptoms of a profound sickness of the soul.)"

Read the rest with the link above.

Film/TV/Theatre News Recap (8/18/06)

2006-08-18T21:35:00.000-07:00

Another addition of film/TV/theatre news. Sorry if it's so AICN-heavy.

THREE OF HOLLYWOOD'S HOTTEST JOIN FORCES FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24168

For those of you not in the know, Elizabeth Banks is gonna be a star, I tells ya! Watch "Wet Hot American Summer," "40 Year Old Virgin," "The Baxter" and "Slither," then tell me I'm wrong. I dare you.

---

ACE VENTURA 3: SON OF ACE?

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24169

I happen to be the only person on Earth who prefers When Nature Calls to the original film, so what the fuck do I know?

---

JAPANESE TRAILER FOR CLINT EASTWOOD'S 2-FILM IWO JIMA SAGA

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24172

Either Clint's going to get a lot of shit from Conservatives for telling both sides of this story, or he's going to win another Oscar, once again beating out Martin Scorsese. (Damn you, Dirty Harry!)

---

BRUNO KIRBY, YOU WILL BE MISSED

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24175

Watch "When Harry Met Sally" and "City Slickers" in the next week to show some respect. And try to track down his episode of "Homicide: Life on the Streets."

---

DARABONT CREAMS HIS PANTS OVER "PAN'S LABYRINTH"

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24176

To answer a previous question, "when is Guillermo Del Toro not making a horror fantasy?" I answer as such: When he's making a horror actioner (Blade II) or a horror suspense (Mimic, Devil's Backbone). Or, of course, a comic book orgasm (Hellboy).

---

"HOSTEL 2" CAST

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24177

As long as there's no more slicing of someone's Achilles Tendon, I'm fine with anybody.

---

WES ANDERSON STRIKES AGAIN

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24178

It'll never live up to his American Express commercial. "Where's my snack?" "You're eating it." "Oh."

---

"SWEENEY TODD" FILM OFFICIAL

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24184

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060817k.php

http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=11572

I still think Depp is completely wrong, but I'm very open to surprises.

---

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN REPLACES BROADBENT (WHO REPLACED CRYSTAL) IN "HAIRSPRAY"

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24186

http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=11591

http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=535112

So, we have two people from Pulp Fiction in this movie, as well as the stars of both Grease 1 and Grease 2.

---

TRAILER FOR WILL SMITH'S NEW MOVIE THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS REMARKABLY DECENT

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24187

Oscar bait, but I'm biting.

---

SILVER SURFER, GAYEST SUPERHERO EVER, MAKES IT TO THE BIG SCREEN WITH THE FANTASTICALLY LAME 4

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24188

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060817i.php

Well, it must mean Galactus is showing up, and that's pretty sweet. Otherwise, the Silver Surfer is a metallic gleam of a queen.

---

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN'S MAGICIAN BATTLE EXTRAVAGANZA!

What could possibly go wrong with this movie, outside of a current overabundance of Scarlett Johannson everywhere.

---

THIS IS FOR ALL YOU TRANSFORMERS GEEKS

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24211

and this

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24215

---

NEWS ON FAULKNER'S "SOUND AND THE FURY" FILM

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060817h.php

---

IS DOMINIC PURCELL THE NEW HULK?

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060817k.php

As long as they finally tell us if this is a sequel, a reimagining, a restart, or what the fuck. Hell, I dig Ang Lee's version, but then he went all Brokeback on us. Give me my modern mythology, dammit!

---

JOSE CANSECO MOVIE GOING THROUGH

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060818e.php

Funny story: I interviewed for an internship position with the company producing the film, and despite my status as an Oakland A's fan (especially in the Bash Brother days) and as a hard worker, I guess they realized I wasn't keen on working 40 hours a week for free. Bastards.

---

DANIEL CRAIG IN WHAT COULD BE THE MOST BATSHIT CRAZY MAINSTREAM MOVIE IN QUITE SOME TIME

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060818k.php

I should pick up these books one of these days. I love any hokey adventure novel that picks on the Catholic Church. And hey, at least now Nicole Kidman has some company.

---

WHO IS REJOINING THE CAST OF "24"?

http://aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24160

This is all well and good, because Balfour is a notorious killer of new shows, so joining up with what is guaranteed to win Best Drama at the upcoming Emmy's could kill this streak.

---

THE GUY WHO ROCKED MY SOCKS ON "INVASION" HAS JOINED "VANISHED"

http://www.zap2it.com/tv/news/zap-eddiecibrianonvanished,0,5134035.story?coll=zap-tv-headlines

With him on Vanished and Fichtner on Prison Break, I'm a happy man. As long as they can find a home for the luscious Lisa Sheridan as well.

---

OH, THE PROBLEMS WITH REALITY TV PERSONALITIES

http://www.zap2it.com/tv/news/zap-ryanstarsupernova,0,4456704.story?coll=zap-tv-headlines

Try not fucking up a Rolling Stones song next time, Ruskie.

---

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE BETTER SHUT HIS FUCKING MOUTH

http://www.zap2it.com/tv/news/zap-justintimberlaketaylorhicksamericanidol,0,4688262.story?coll=zap-tv-headlines

Cry me a river, motherfucker. Taylor Hicks owns you.

---

HAD SHE JOINED "STUDIO 60," I WOULD BE A MUCH HAPPIER MAN

http://www.zap2it.com/tv/news/zap-janekrakowskijoins30rock,0,1779072.story?coll=zap-tv-headlines

Darn Tina Fey. At least it got her off of SNL, where she was about to bring it down to bad-1985 comedy level if she continued as head writer any longer.

---

"DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS" TO FINALLY CLOSE IN SEPTEMBER

http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=11609

http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=535119

Never saw it. Don't care to see it. Hate the music. Good riddance.

---

HOLY SHIT, THEY MADE A MUSICAL OUT OF THIS? AND IT STARS MY HONEY KERRY BUTLER IN THE RICCI ROLE?

http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=11558

Oh Kerry Butler, how you have wooed me onstage in Hairspray. Now you're a conniving wench. Ain't that just grand?

---

THE NEXT BIG SONDHEIM REVIVAL GETS A START DATE

http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=11554

It is from the same director as the recent revival of Sweeney Todd, but I won't hold that against him. Fucking minimalist.

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TONY KUSHNER DOC TO BE RELEASED THIS FALL ALL OVER YOUR FACES

http://broadwayworld.com/viewcolumn.cfm?colid=11483

I saw this a couple weeks ago at the San Francisco Jewish Film Festival, screening at Berkeley Rep. Good yet surprisingly unoriginal documentary on someone who deserves more.

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REACTION TO MARTIN SHORT'S SEMI-AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL MUSICAL

http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=535122

Hey, at least it sounds better than Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause.

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WIDELY ACCLAIMED "FAITH HEALER" CLOSES ITS DOORS

http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=534885

Not only was this up for some mega Tony awards, this also played in Dublin last I was there. Darned if the tickets weren't sold out before the engagement even started. I must see Ralph Fiennes onstage one day, and at least shake hands with Senator/Emperor Palpatine.

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And hey, I might have a temporary job with a traveling student film festival as well as an editorial internship at a video game website based out of South San Francisco, so keep those fingers crossed.

Well now...

2006-08-14T19:03:00.000-07:00

According to my parents, if I don't get a job in the next month, they're throwing me out.

In the spirit of that announcement, I am not updating my film/TV news for a bit. You all understand.

You sly fox!

2006-08-13T12:50:00.000-07:00

Thanks, FOX, for pre-empting the penultimate episode of this year's Hell's Kitchen for a San Francisco Giants-Washington Nationals and deciding not to air it at all.

Pricks.

Thoughts on "Valley Girl"

2006-08-11T15:07:00.000-07:00

-Nicolas Cage is a much better name than Nicolas Coppola.
-What the hell happened to Frederic Forrest?
-The film feels like it was written in 10 days, and it was.
-I love that the prom backup band is Kajagoogoo, which is something I've always wanted to name a cat. Unfortunately, I'll just have to settle for calling my dog Raja "Rajagoogoo."
-I feel dirty for enjoying seeing Elizabeth "E.G." Daily's tits. I mean sure, she's cute as Dottie in my favorite film Pee-wee's Big Adventure, but she's also the voice of Buttercup on Powerpuff Girls, Babe in Pig in the City and Tommy Pickles on Rugrats. It's like how I feel awkward thinking Pamela Adlon on Lucky Louie is kind of hot, even though I know her as the voice of Bobby Hill on King of the Hill. Then again, I just saw Ms. Daily play a whore named Candy in Devil's Rejects, so I should't complain.
-After the overly long driving sequence down Sunset in the film, it made me realize I sort of miss Los Angeles. Not by much, mind you. I still hate all you fuckers!
-Within the same sequence, I began to think about how Mayor Giuliani changed NYC--at least Manhattan--from a scum-filled hellhole into the Disney-fied Times Square it is now, within, oh, around eight years and what changes L.A. has made during the same time. However, looking at the Sunset Strip in this film circa 1983 and now, there is absolutely no difference. It's still a scum-filled hellhole.
-So this is the movie where Modern English's "Melt With You" came from.
-I still hate The Valley.

Thoughts on Ann Coulter (preliminary)

2006-08-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

I intend to express the dissatisfaction I encountered recently reading Ann Coulter's book How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must) and how they affect my opinion of a person I greatly admire, but first I'll just post today's edition of the comic strip Non Sequitur.

(I'll post the link as well as the comic. When I post a couple more times, the strip can actually be entirely seen, unlike when it is atop my blog. Someone needs to tell me how to alter my template.)

http://news.yahoo.com/comics/nonsequitur

2006-08-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

Brian Posehn - Metal By Numbers

If you know who Brian Posehn is--and you should--this should make your day.

Film/TV/Theatre News Recap (8/9/06)

2006-08-09T13:41:00.000-07:00

Since I want this blog to become more than just a forum for my bitching and in fact go along with my original intention of tying my personal life to the elements of popular culture that alter my life, I will begin posting pop culture news of interest. Since my interests lie mostly in film, theatre and television, I will mostly refrain from getting into music and art unless absolutely necessary. While I can analyze the shit out of the aforementioned three interests, the music I listen to is mostly based on the fact that I like the way it sounds and have little interest in music history. (I am in the process of rectifying that facet, though, and am in the middle of reading Lester Bangs' Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung after showing interest in Chuck Klosterman's oeuvre.)

I will do news recaps as much as possible, but I do not have any intention of becoming a film gossip site. These are merely stories of interest from the websites I visit frequently, repackaged for your viewing.

(Sorry about the stretched out images and hyperlinks. I'm trying to work on it.)

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'Grease': The Reality Show
The casting of a Broadway musical will become a TV reality series when NBC launches You're the One That We Want, a midseason show in which viewers will select the leads for a revival of Grease on Broadway. (The show's title was lifted from a song title in the musical.) It will be produced by Kathleen Marshall, who will serve as a judge on the TV show, along with Jim Jacobs, the co-creator of Grease, and theatrical producer David Ian. The Grease revival is scheduled to open on Broadway in June 2007, with tickets going on sale in December. It is being produced by BBC Worldwide Productions, the commercial subsidiary of the publicly funded British broadcast company. Meanwhile, auditions for Season 6 of Fox's American Idol kicked off at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena Tuesday.
http://imdb.com/news/sb/2006-08-09/

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Outrage Over Burstyn's 15-Second Emmy Nomination

Ellen Burstyn's nomination for a Best Supporting Actress Emmy Award is being ridiculed by the US media, because the Oscar winner appears in Mrs. Harris for a mere 15 seconds. THe HBO drama stars Sir Ben Kingsley as Dr. Herman Tarnower - the man who invented the Scarsdale diet - and Annette Bening as Jean Harris, the woman who murdered him. Burstyn appears in a flashback sequence, and her character is listed on the Internet Movie Database as "Ex-Lover Number Three." The New York Post writes the 73-year-old's performance "required her to do nothing more than sit in a chair and speak three sentences of dialogue in a vaguely foreign accent." The newspaper claims Burstyn's nomination in the Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie category is indicative of the "deeply flawed process" leading to the nominations. Winners will be announced in Los Angeles on August 27.
http://imdb.com/news/wenn/2006-08-09/

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HALO HAS A DIRECTOR

http://aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24134

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KEVIN SMITH'S NEXT PROJECT

http://aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24133

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Quint interviews the King of Cool Samuel L. Jackson about SNAKES ON A MUTHAFUCKIN' PLANE!!!

http://aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24122

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JOHN CARPENTER'S SEQUEL "ESCAPE FROM EARTH" A HOAX

http://aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=24115

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ZOOEY DESCHANEL IS JANIS JOPLIN AFTER PINK DROPS OUT

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060809j.php

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SIXTH SEASON FOR "CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM"

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060809a.php

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NEW POSTERS

The Glorious Brian DePalma's Next Project

The First Part of Clint Eastwood's WWII Two-Film Epic

Guillermo Del Toro's Horror Fantasy

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"PRISON BREAK" SEASON 2 DETAILS

http://www.darkhorizons.com/news06/060808g.php

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ROBIN WILLIAMS IN REHAB

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/news/zap-robinwilliamsrehab,0,3384126.story?coll=zap-movies-headlines

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"FEAST" WILL MAKE FAST DVD TURNAROUND

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/news/zap-feastreleasepattern,0,1331865.story?coll=zap-movies-headlines

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BOB SAGET HOSTS NEW GAMESHOW

http://www.zap2it.com/tv/news/zap-bobsagetnbcgameshow,0,800504.story?coll=zap-tv-headlines

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JIM BROADBENT STEALS BILLY CRYSTAL'S ROLE IN THE "HAIRSPRAY" MOVIE

http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=534414

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http://www.broadway.com/Gen/Buzz_Story.aspx?ci=534607

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BEST ENTERTAINMENT HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

Aniston, Vaughn Reportedly Either Engaged or Broken Up
(way to narrow it down)

http://www.zap2it.com/movies/news/zap-latestanistonvaughnengagementbuzz,0,6781984.story?coll=zap-movies-headlines

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And this just in: Talladega Nights sucked balls.

Three reasons Michael Bay is underrated (Part 1)

2006-08-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, the man gave us Pearl Harbor, a mediocre if not terrible attempt at epic historical filmmaking. Likewise, Bad Boys II is an overlong piece of glorified mess, but what a glorified mess. The Rock has its share of bummer moments, but you know that you were excited about that shit in middle school. And what if Armageddon has a cut every 1.5 seconds?

None of these really matter, neither does the upcoming soon-to-be-classic trash Transformers movie. No, what has made me turn around my opinion of Mr. Michael Bay lies below, during his music video heyday.

Three videos from one of my favorite albums. In descending order of awesome. Let the Loaf wash over you. Gape in awe at his glory. Learn the triumph of rock. Remember, rock 'n' roll dreams come through.

Meat Loaf--"Rock N Roll Dreams Come Through"

Random Thoughts on Reality TV--Rockstar: Supernova

2006-08-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

I didn't watch more than an episode of 2005's Rockstar: INXS, so I can't say for certain whether J.D. fit the profile of that band you vaguely remember from the 80's, more because you either thought their name was spelled "In Excess" or pronounced "inks." And I do know that both years of the show have garnered mediocre ratings (I hear Supernova fluctuates quietly around #40 on the Neilsen chart) so I don't expect people to really know what it is I rant about.

But I do know for a fact that Tommy Lee is the dirtiest motherfucker on television right now.

The new supergroup rock band Supernova consists of Gilby Clarke (formerly of Guns 'N Roses) on guitar, Jason Newsted from Metallica on bass and our very own Mr. 9-inch penis on drums, and they chill in the back of the oddly vampire lair-themed mockup of downtown L.A.'s Club Mayan (where I was once an extra in a music video) spouting very short, clipped, oft-unintelligible yays and nays about the eclectic group of young rock singers that sing/yell before them.

The group has its share of truly talented individuals who each have a unique gift they can bring to the show. However, I do not believe that any kind of Metallica/Motley Crue/GnR band would ever, EVER, have a female lead for the band. Just like the unbalanced battle of the sexes that apparently took place last season, this season is no different. The songs Supernova has given the group, while still retaining a good bit of hair metal, is a kind of rock that most companies wouldn't have the balls to give to a female.

This bodes poorly for Storm Large--yes, that's her real name--who is without question the frontrunner of the pack at this moment. This 6-foot rock goddess from Portland has shown her chops time and time again, absolutely killing songs left and right. (Killing in the good way.) Her version of Dramarama's "Anything, Anything" made me feel for the song more than I ever cared to in the past, as her described "singing like she was possessed by rock" reminds me of Hedwig a lot of the time. Last week her theatrics were toned down to make way for her soaring and bluesy rendition of David Bowie's "Changes," which did its job: it made me want to go out and buy the Bowie album, and by "buy," I mean "download."

It doesn't hurt, either, that she is absolutely gorgeous, both in a very natural sense and that gritty downtrodden rocker chic that I know this generation still can't get enough of. (It may seem more like a Gen-X preference, but that I believe is one of the lasting characterstics that made it over to our generation. If you haven't noticed, most girls my age, when asked who they are attracted to, will almost always say "a skinny emo boy with a lip ring" or some crap like that.)

I also appreciate a gnarly stage dive. She's the only one whose had the guts so far on the show.

Really, she should just get a mega-contract to go out with the band she's already had, The Balls, and they can be Storm the Balls! Avast! Storm the Balls!

But back to my point. I also somewhat object to a female front for the band, and not for any misogynist reason. The problem is, you just know that if Storm were made lead of Supernova, their tours would be literal orgies of Gilby/Jason/Storm/Tommy stature. Their lovemaking would actually make physical bubbles that would look like the sex frenzy at the end of the Futurama episode "Why Must I Be A Crustacean in Love." The spawn resulting from the orgy would be Satan, and the world would explode.

Which brings me back, in a sense, to Tommy Lee. He is the most inappropriate reality TV host of all time, and this includes the obscenity-ridden Gordon Ramsey from "Hell's Kitchen," who likes to call female chefs "cows." Mr. Lee has got sex on the mind, booty all the time. Mr. Long Dick Dong has turned much of the competition into a series of quick flirtations with the female contestants, and even the male. (His response to Ryan Star's lowdown piano version of "Losing My Religion," which is the best performance of the season, was "that performance is so gonna get you laid." By whom, Tommy? All the people watching at home who would like nothing better than to fuck a D-list celebrity on a low-rated reality show? I think Tommy has some homoeroticism he needs to tend to.)

Let's examine his reactions to Zayra, the worst singer on the show. This Puerto Rican nuthouse thinks putting on satin wings and missing every single note to Tommy Tutone's "867-5309" is perfectly acceptable as long as she looks good and puts on a show. This miserable mess is a beautiful, if tres peculiar, woman of model proportions, but this is still in fact a rock competition. Not necessarily a singing competition, because rock singing is a hell of a lot different from regular singing. (I don't want another fight about this topic, though, so I'll shut up about it.) Zayra has been put in the bottom three so often that it would seem like a good heads-up to Supernova to get that tramp out of the way, but as usual, Tommy's thinking with his dong. Last week, he offered to wrestle her in some mud after her performance, as if the hundreds of audience members and the few million of us at home just don't seem to notice how grotesque this man is.

(Sidenote: I know that it was publicized that Tommy Lee gave Pamela Anderson Hepatitus B, which, as is understandable, made her very dang mad. But now that she and Kid Rock have gotten married after a see-saw of broken engagements, I have to wonder if she's passed along ol' Hep B to her new spouse. You just know they don't use rubbers. But then you have to think that Kid Rock has obviously already obtained some pretty vicious bawitdabadabangadangdiggydiggydiggysaidtheboogiesaidupjumptheboogie VDs, so I guess I shouldn't worry.)

Just so you can get an understanding of how batshit catshit crazy Zayra is, because I think you really must know--here's a photo. I'll give you a minute. Let me know when you're back.

Okay, but how about the rest of the competition. The aforementioned Ryan Star--who is one extra "R" away from being a first season American Idol finalist whose original name was Tiffany Montgomery (why the fuck do I know this?)--gave an intensity that the show hadn't seen before, and proved that yelling effectively to notes doesn't have to be on key to work. (See, there's that theory again about rock singing vs. regular singing. That's a good example. Too bad you have to fucking download the performances from ITunes, and I'll be damned if I'm paying $0.99 for something on CBS.)

Canadian punk rocker Lukas Rossi has a marvelous Billy Idol growl to him, but as TVgasm has pointed out, he's a fucking hobbit who performs what seems to be an Oompa Loompa/Don Corleone mashup. He was the frontrunner for a while, and I dig his style, but something horrible happens on every reality show competition, and he'll probably be leaving soon. But if you've ever wondered what "Bittersweet Symphony" sounded like as a hardcore punk song, he's your guy.

Jill Goie, who looks like but isn't the oldest person on the show, can fucking rock wail in a way that makes me think of Four Non-Blondes ("and I said heeeeeeyayayaya, what's going on?!"), but she's been shafted time and time again for prettier girls. Just comprehend the scolding she got from Gilby Clarke after she kept on grinding him on the stage. Grinding on your guitarist during a rock song? For shame!

The most recent fatality on the show was doled out by "hatchetman" Tommy Lee to poor little Dana Andrews. It took me a few weeks to get it out of my head that she was, in fact, not the actor from the 1960s who was in shit like "Night of the Demon," which just happens to be a lyric in "Rocky Horror Picture Show" ("Dana Andrews said prunes/gave him the runes/and passing them used lots of skill"). Once I got over that, though, I noticed that this little Georgia peach was absolutely in the wrong competition. She has a very pop sensibility, and as contestants and judges tried to get her to grunge things up, she just seemed like she was playing a part.

She finally did the rock gods proud with her version of The Who's "Baba O'Riley" (while I am a mildly enthuasiastic fan of The Who, I still have no fucking idea why the song is called that) that seemed perfectly fine to me, but struck the judges as a play for votes. They said the song was about teenage rebellion, and she just couldn't represent that.

What should have happened is that instead of merely trying to up her stage antics (which always seemed forced) and getting a tattoo of a treble clef (how shocking!) is that CBS should have given fellow contestant Dilana (a South African growling queen) carte blanche to just turn Dana into this vicious little gutter punk. Just throw a couple tattoo sleeves on that little body and make her pierce herself where it hurts, cut bits of hair out in random order, and smear lipstick where it doesn't belong. It would have been splendid. Here's Dilana, if you were wondering.

In the end, the show matters very little. It got a roasting on Best Week Ever for its non-pedigree ways and well as the questionable intelligence of much of the "cast." It is, however, a good trade-off from America's Got Talent, which I stopped watching on Wednesday night once it became a voting competition, despite my man-crush for the Hoff.

And Tommy Lee is a filthy petrie dish of terror.